Spoiled & Sick

Well, I called in sick to work. I probably shouldn't have, but I felt like absolute trash. I have no idea what is is - some kind of stomach bug mixed with the common cold? I know I'm stuffy and I have cold sweats and my guts were twisted in knots earlier. I feel a bit better now, thanks to herbal tea and lots of sleep, but I'm not totally better. I have to go to work tomorrow no matter what, so I hope I'm better by then because if not, I'll be working another eight hour shift sick as a dog. . .

In other news to be mad about, I got spoiled for Jessica Jones. As in three deaths that I didn't know about and the overall ending of the season spoiled. Gah.

I really love it, so I'll keep watching, but I'm angry it happened. I've been avoiding the tumblr tag since I heard the news of the show to avoid any spoilers, 'cause the show sounded so interesting, only to get spoiled now. Not fun.

But what is fun is 8tracks. Which I'm obsessed with. Right now I'm listening to a random paranormal romance playlist, but I've been listening to it while drafting/editing SOSAS too, and I've found so many good mixes for fantasy writing it blows my mind.

Because I have been writing - even though it doesn't seem like it. Souls of Salt & Seawater should still be out Dec 15th (originally planned for Dec 5th, but life happened, so it's gonna be ten days later. And as far as ADSD goes, I'm still drafting, and having fun with it, exploring Lilac's present reality a year after the dark times where I left her at the end of How I Broke Us. I think I might want to have the sequel to Shadows (tentatively titled Whispers) drafted before I publish the first book, just so the wait on the sequel is shorter on your guys. I would rather have a bunch of stuff finished instead of making you guys wait the entire development stage of a project, you know?

And I don't know if I like talking about stuff before it's done, anyway. I think after SOSAS, ADSD, and Shadows are all done and out, I won't be talking about projects until they're ready to be released, because it leaves less room for waiting and disappointment when things like release dates change.

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure this all out: how long I want to take the indie route before trying traditional, how I want to market myself, which books I want to write, essentially, what do I want my artistic career to look like? It's important to me to put out a professional product.

A lot of self-pubbed books have a bunch of editing mistakes and bad covers and end up reading like a stream of consciousness. When I put out the Lilac short stories I made plenty of mistakes - hell, just the other day my mom pointed out an error in her ebook of Welcome to Midnight that I'd missed in copy edits (to be fair, I wrote that book in 2 and a half days as a surprise project) and now have to go back and give another read-through. I'm not better than all other indie authors, by far. But I do want to put out the best product I can. As cocky as it sounds, I know I'm a good writer. It's one of the few things I'm confident about - and I put out Welcome to Midnight to give readers a glimpse at the darker, more serious side of my work. It's not all going to be sunshine and rainbows and pop culture, even though it might be some of that, sometimes.

So I'm eager to put stuff out and show you guys what I can do. But I'm also aware of my limitations and flaws, and I want to be careful. I'm a fast writer, but it's not fast writing that's the problem - it's fast editing. I've rushed the final part of the process in the past, and it was a mistake. I want to take my time and do right by these projects, so I hope it's worth the wait for you guys, and I'm sorry if I feel like a ghost sometimes.

At least I'm a ghost that's nice to look at. Well, not today - today I have bed hair and black bags under my eyes. Whatever. I'm still the prettiest damn ghost you know.

Jessica Jones is a Masterpiece and I'm Really Tired

It's 3:51 am and I'm sitting in my room listening to this and dreading work tomorrow. I have a 2 to 10:30 shift, but I'll be at the mall by 12 because of my shitty bus route. I hate living outside of the city - I feel like I'm always mentioning that, but I really do. It's a half an hour walk to the bus stop, and at the halfway mark there's this dead raccoon with it's innards spilling out that I have to cross the road to avoid, and I'm tired of all my music but haven't had time to download anything new, so it's also boring as hell.

I guess I can take advantage of being early tomorrow by doing some more Christmas shopping. I still need gifts for my brother and cousin, and the gifts I got for my parents and best friend are incomplete. I also might buy lunch. But maybe not. Because I always feel guilty spending money.

My dad paid for this new laptop, so I owe him about 600 dollars, and I should be saving my money for that, on top of gas money. I don't know. It's really hard being poor. I'm sure most of you already know that. And it's not like I'm destitute or anything. At all. But I make 10 bucks an hour and I'm only working seasonal and gas is expensive and I need so many things that now that I have money it's pulling me in different directions - I need to pay my dad back. I also need new clothes. I also need stuff like medication and hygienic products I haven't been able to afford for a long time now, and I'm also supposed to be saving up for my passport, and for a phone, and it's so hard to try to balance everything I need to do on this budget.

So that's where I'm at this week. I got some work done on SOSAS, and two short chapters drafted on A Darkness So Divine, and that was fun. I wish I could write more. I wish I wasn't near-dead every time I came home at night.

For now I'm fitting anything in anywhere I can. It's hard, and it's making me feel guilty that I can't make more time for it, but on top of work and my commute and generally being a human (eating/sleeping/fighting mental illness) it's harder than it should be. But I'm going to do this. Because I have to do this. Because I've wanted it since I was ten years old and I don't think I'll ever want anything more. I don't think I'll ever love anything more than I love words, and the way they twist together on the page until I'm lost and everything else that I'm worried about doesn't matter, because at least I have this escape.

When seasonal is over, and my last semester of school is over, I'll be able to devote the time to this that it deserves. Until then, I'll have to keep scrapping by writing whenever I can squeeze it in, for an hour here or thirty minutes there, between shifts of working and sleeping.

And trying not to slap customers in the face when they snap at me for shit that isn't under my control.

Ah, the joys of retail.

Anyway, when I'm not working, writing, or sleeping, I've been watching Jessica Jones. I just got Netflix, and I was so excited to get to start watching this show - it hasn't disappointed me. I'm only on episode 7 or 8, but it's amazing, and it's making me appreciate David Tenant even though I hated him in Dr. Who. To be fair, the only one I actually enjoyed was Christopher Eccleston. I mean, Matt Smith is really handsome and sweet, but I can take or leave his Dr. And I hate the current one almost as much as I did Tenant.

But he's brilliant as Kilgrave. I mean, this show scares me. It's been pretty disturbing at times, and I've even teared up at a couple of points (to be fair, everything makes me tear up these days- movie trailers, good songs, book endings . . . maybe I'm turning into a softy) but still, I'm addicted.

I also ran down to the book store on my break and bought a copy of Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. I'm sixty-eight pages in and loving it, and me and the clerk had a nice chat about the Darkling, which was fun. I'm always blown away when I meet a book lover I share favourite series with in person, because that never happens.

Also, hmm - Kilgrave and the Darkling. Can you tell I'm fascinated by amorality?

My obsession for dangerous sociopaths aside, my obsession with herbal tea just made me spend 10 dollars on a pack of 12 gourmet tea bags from David's Teas. I grabbed a 12-pack of Buddha's Blend - it's a mix of white and green tea, and it's fucking delicious - but still and hour of work for 12 tea bags. Ugh. I have a problem. My excuse for buying both the tea and the book is, basically, yolo. I'm gonna die someday, so I might as well take pleasure in the small things while I'm here.

Because on some level I know that no matter if I become a famous author, or a pilot, or a marketing guru, or end up homeless and forgotten, no matter what happens to me, if - when - I die some day, these small moments will be all that's left of me that really matter. Having fun with my friends, shopping for gifts for the people I love, taking the first bite of a takeout lunch I probably didn't need, buying a new book just because I crave the words in it that much - those small moments are more important than anything else. And I appreciate my end-goals and I want them more than anything, but I also need to be willing that life is long and short and awful and we don't always get what we want. If I get hit by a bus or die in an unexpected fire tomorrow without ever writing all the books I want, I need to know that I can be happy with the life I've lived. So I'm not trying to forget about my goals, or forget to live while I'm alive, but I'm also not going to forget that sometime it's okay to enjoy the moment and stop worrying about the future for a bit. I have a lot of guilt to work past when it comes to doing things for myself and my mental health and happiness, and I need to remember that it's okay to do things and invest in them just because I enjoy them.

I take comfort in the fact that I'm living with my parents until after I've been out of school for a year, so I have plenty of time to make money and save up, but I still get nervous thinking about the future. Like, what if writing doesn't pan out? What if you're stuck on the same daily grind of day-job, home, write, sleep, wake up, work, write, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat, for years? What if it's always this much of a struggle to live?

And I understand that that's my anxiety talking, but it's still hard to fight sometimes. So I also take comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, it's all life, it's all experience, and it's all valuable in the long run.

Even now, looking back, some of the memories I value the most from my life are from the times it was most difficult. Because even though I'm struggling, I'm also expanding.

So yeah. That's my mind lately. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and go to work. I'll finish up some Christmas shopping and come home and work some more, and I'll put all of this worrying out of my mind and do what I have to, but at least for tonight, I'm letting myself be anxious. I have to feel it to move past it, so that's what I'll do.

You Had a Thing No One Could Ever Be Sure Of

Title from the song Weight of Love by The Black Keys.

So. It's Black Friday. I worked from 9 to 5:30 today, then scrambled over to Best Buy and got a new laptop. Then I ran home and did the dishes, threw some chicken strips in the oven, and bolted to open this computer as fast as humanly possible.

I think I've met my one true love. No, but seriously - this laptop if my new golden child.

Anyway, I'm dead tired, but I'm taking a night off editing SOSAS, so I told myself I had to write a blog post instead, so here I am.

The last few weeks have been crazy.

Since I started working this job, I've lost ten pounds. My feet are covered in blisters, and my hands are constantly cut from the cardboard sleeves in the boxes at work, and by the time I'm off ever night I'm dead-tired from spending 8 hours on my feet, interacting with people, lugging out boxes and shelving stuff. It's tiring work, and anxiety doesn't make it easier. It's awful coming home after an eight and a half hour shift to realize you still have to write for two hours, on top of doing stuff around the house (aka picking up after four cats) and cooking dinner, if it's my turn to cook that night. I'm stretched pretty thin. There have been nights where I haven't written anything at all, because I come home and just pass out until it's time to get up and go back to work again. Did I mention I'm glad I'm only working seasonal?

I go back to school in January, and that will make work harder, too, but it's only for one semester, and then I'm free! I still totally failed Nano this month (actual life took over my life) but this job pays better than royalties right now, and I need this money so I can buy stuff that makes my job doable - like a laptop with a functional keyboard - and stuff that I desperately need; a phone, new clothing, gas, food - you know, the annoying shit we all need to live. But I'm hoping that now that I have this laptop and can write in bed, I'll put more work hours in.

Goodbye, external keyboard. Hello, productivity!

Work aside, I've actually gotten in a lot of reading lately while waiting for the bus or my ride home from work, and I just finished Carry On by Rainbow Rowell (my new favorite book! Review here) and Ruin and Rising, by Leigh Bardugo (review here).  What I really want now is the new Amanda Hocking, which doesn't come out until after new year's, so maybe a Kanin re-read is in order. . .

I've been listening to a lot of PVRIS and Tor Miller. I am obsessively watching Scream Queens. And you. Always. At night, when you think you're alone, I see you, staring into the dark, wondering . . .

Or maybe not.

And that's all I have to mention. As soon as I have a day off I'll have a blog about work and a blog about all this epic pop culture that I've been taking in lately, but right now I'm too tired to delve into much of it, outside of listing shit off.

Now I'm going to pass out, and wake up, and work another eight hour shift. Wish me luck. (I really, really, really need it.)

I should blog more

... but I work a day job and then come home and write/edit and then pass out. I have school assignments to finish on top of all that, among a million other things, so blogging is pretty low on my list right now. I'm currently editing SOSAS for a tentative Dec 15th release, and soon I'll start drafting ADSD. For now just know I'm not dead, and I'm hard at work.

5 Facts About Shadows

I finish the draft of Shadows today. In honour of that, here are five facts about this book! Oh, and don't forget to check out the Charmers tab at the top of the blog for more info!


1) It's dark. As in, lot's of angst, lots of danger. Drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, emotional traumas. On top of that? A whole heap of monsters, some twisted romance, and a lot of action. I write a lot of dark stuff, and I got to show a bit of that in Things We Saw at Midnight recently, but I'm looking forward to seeing how readers react to a full length novel as opposed to a collection of shorts.

2) It's diverse. I really love diverse books. I don't love diverse books where the minority characters are treated as accessories or written as stereotypes, and I don't like books where the diversity feels preachy - I wanted to write a book that had trans and nonbinary characters, characters of colour, queer people, and characters with disabilities, without making them into caricatures. These characters' identities are just part of who they are, a normal part of their daily lives - as they should be.

3) It's hot. Remember when I mentioned twisted romance? Well, Shadows has heaps. Sky and Hunter are hot, full of hormones and angst, and oh yeah, stuck close together until they break the powerful magikal bond brewing between them. Sparks will fly - and so will clothes . . .

4) The book is in the New Adult genre. Sky is nineteen, and Hunter is twenty. The novel and series are set around adult themes, and are definitely not for the younger reader.

5) It's set in the city where I grew up. Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada - it's a hot damn mess of the grit and the glamour. Gleaming white spas down the hill from ugly ass dive bars, seedy strip clubs situated around the corner from top 40 radio stations. It's the largest city in the province, and it's a hectic mix of light and dark, hot and cold - the perfect reflection of the characters and story of Shadows. You can read more about it here: Saint John.

So, yeah, those are some things about this book that you should know. I honestly can't wait to share this with you guys. Aside from that, I also have the final quote I'll be sharing from the draft - as I finish it today, and then I'm letting it rest for a few weeks before edits start.

That doesn't mean I won't be working, though - I'm also doing nanowrimo this month! Feel free to add me!

Video games are killing me.

Cause of death: gameplay footage from Rise of the Tomb Raider and Uncharted 4.

I'm a long-time fan of both these franchises. TR is one of the first games I ever played (TR3, to be specific) and I love archaeology, history, treasure hunting, and adventure. Action movies are my bread and butter, and these games have that vibe to them.

I mean, look at this:

I just - ugh! And damn, if I don't have a crush on Nathan Drake. That's one pixelated man that could marry this, if he wanted to.

And THIS:

I CAN'T. IT'S KILLING ME. PERFECTION. TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD. 

Now I'm gonna go scream some more.

Shadows update and Quote~

I'm still working on ten day book. Why? Halloween got really crazy - and then things stayed crazy. So ten day book has turned into, what? 14 or 15 day book? Still a pretty fast drafting time. Life has finally calmed down again, and I'm back on regular work schedules, so it's coming along fast, but these distractions, coupled with a few added chapter, have drawn out the process. Having fun though! Here's today's quote: