Nocturnalisms

NOCTURNALISMS

~

Nocturnalisms:

All of the hiding, it’s because of the hunt

and if they haven’t chased you,

Then you don’t know enough to judge

Nocturnalisms is a collection of poems about living with night owl tendencies, seeing through narcissists and their mind games, experiencing depressive lows and manic highs, wondering about your ancestors and ancient worlds, and maybe a few other things—music, puppies, superstitions and a tiny rant or two…

Nocturnalisms are poems for whispers, kisses, chaos, circus lights, and black dirt. Written in April 2023.

Contents:

1: Future

2: Listen In

3: Advice

4: Attentive

5: Nocturnalisms

6: Madness (Signs or Sirens)

7: Maintained Perfection

8: Hello Ancestor

9: Market Friendly

10: Magician’s Tent

11: Beyond A Doubt

12: Artifice (Cautionary Tale)

13: Came So Far

14: Maneater

15: Superstition

16: Speak In Tongues

17: Circus Town

18: Simper

19: Dirty Teeth Tempt Fate

20: Radio Sound

21: Eat You Up

22: On Some Mystic Bullshit

23: unMasque

24: Human Threat Perception

25: Sleepwalker I

26: Ballad For a Scrub I Met Once

27: Cruella Rant

28: Greywall

29: Sleepwalker II

30: Make Peace With Being Alive

1 - Future

Don’t go overboard on it,

Oh no,

Have we already lost it?

Should we already panic?

Is the future this manic?

Please tell me how

I turn my life into a picture perfect

Piecemeal crown;

Gold are my hands

White are the cloaks,

I turn ashes into artwork

Alchemy when my heart hurts,

In my mind I can speak mine

But my tongue chokes in realtime

More sea glass in a salt mine.

Blood on the cobblestones

Like blood in my veins

So why is our human world

So harsh, so vain?

Why is our human world

Building empires again?

But is the future this manic?

Already started to panic

Not sure why I’m so frantic,

Can moments alone be romantic?

Can I safely and softly tuck away my self?

The world is rubbing me raw today

Senses aflame, lost in haze

Shelter, wilderness, cutting either way.

I see shrapnel shoot the future,

See hiding through the bruises,

Like always now;

Dark rooms, and drawn out

Lots of literature on my arms, how,

and logged out, broken pieces

the shards held.

All the answers in muscles swell

Somehow tender through harsh bells

I want ringing, ringing, ringing in my hell!

There’s something so sweet about

Being here without

Any pressure to leave,

Party of one, ‘cause a parties just me

Drink enough for three,

Heaven I’m on my knees

Is the future to be believed?

2 - Listen In

Eavesdropping,

Seriously?

Acting like you’re the main character,

You have nothing to go on,

Grow the fuck up.

3 - Advice

A bit of advice is

don’t look at me twice,

I’m not fucking nice,

Too many cold nights

I’ll kick, scratch, bite

Bruise my thighs,

Stain my hands

A bit of advice is keep my hands tight,

My ribs tucked close, my chest full up,

My lungs breaking & ballooning

I never know where my body ends

A bit of advice don’t count your human days

Let them pass in chunks and waves

Time has a way of making you remember its face

Once you start counting the days

4 - Attentive

Pay your attention to me,

All hands on deck that I see,

I’m a problem and I’ve been one,

And that’s how it will be:

I need to be paid,

I need to be worshiped,

Need to be powered,

Be adored, but still be challenged,

Don’t let me go soft, go sour,

Go so bored I lose hours,

I need to be worked

Not only loved,

But I can do with both

As I should

Sincere,

Know what I deserve,

Soft as rain,

Drain your reserves,

Holy water blessings,

Hot steam & sunrises,

I’m not one for loose ties,

Just tight vices.

5 - Nocturnalisms

I keep myself nocturnal,

Not turning into any kind of animal

Just a wild creature all the same

It’s just the forest and the game

I keep surrender in my back pocket

Next to a flask of whiskey that I

stole from my father

Not that he would blame me,

He never even named me

I fire off white light,

But I would bend to the nighttime,

Never make it in my own life

Always chasing on the next high

Words might mean more to me

Than they do to you,

A nocturnal animal is one that

Survived the hell they put me through

All of the hiding, it’s because of the hunt

And if they haven’t chased you,

Then you don’t know enough to judge

And you don’t know,

Enough is never enough,

Especially when you’re high-strung

They get a reaction just once

And in a matter of seconds,

You’re fucking done

Because it’s like they’re hyenas

And they’re smellin’ the blood,

You best believe I’m fucked,

I had to be the one

Thought I had lived enough,

To fucking know the score

So if you’re asking questions,

You should ask some more

Like am I seeing the lines

Between what was mine

And what they thought was theirs?

And am I over the line?

And maybe do I bite?

Yeah fucking right,

You best believe that

Imma get what’s mine

I came to fight

I came prepared

Vampire if you’re unaware,

Fucking hysterical and I don’t care

Alien, invasion,

Heart pounding, palpitating

Lungs are growing,

Saints forsaken

I was never for the taking

Next time, strike first

I’m prepared to do my worst

6 - Madness (Signs or Sirens)

If dark whispers in dark texts don’t trigger us now how else does the apocalypse get down?

If you burn your world and the embers don’t stoke some arousal are you even doing it right?

Does being a demon keep you fed by night?

If I cut my hand will you kiss the line? If it heals all wrong will we put it right? Am I on my own when the crisis comes or is it all a lie that we’re all alone? Do days count if you do them while hiding at home?

Was madness my own making or is it our madness to be together? Animals all lined up on a chart, solitary and hive, won’t see rank nor hide, I keep the shades drawn and the voices out to keep myself alive, options call and I crave and then they cut me down, how do I know if they’re signs or just sirens now?

7 - Maintained Perfection

I used to hate the marks on my skin. I wanted it airbrushed smooth, every hair and mole and mark and scar removed. No humanity, no trace of pesky nature, just smooth maintained perfection, unbroken, the illusion of immortality and power. It was never about beauty, it wasn’t vanity, it was the desire to transcend human foibles, master nature, master the body, not a mark that I don’t approve of first, not a single scar that wasn’t put there by my design. My whims weaving the world.

It can never be that way. Now I’m just glad my skin is in one piece. I count my ten toes, ten fingers, two eyes, four limbs, and thank the universe I still have them, and I never have to wonder if there’s something better, or more, than that, because this is all that’s real, this is all that’s permitted, this is the pesky human reality.

I count moles on the backs of my arms and I don’t hate them too much at all.

8 - Hello Ancestor

State of hapsis,

Sun, solaris,

Synapses,

The etymology of our impulses,

Fluctuating, fascinates me,

Did my ancestors really make me?

Or are we really real or just the dreaming?

I give it meaning,

I never needed Gods to direct the flow,

The Gods are only what you make ‘em though.

9 - Market Friendly

Advertise this,

Shit, I’m out of my element,

I go hunting, I go for revenge,

I never go easy & I never just go with it,

I never just sit, I always just rage,

I go without drinking water for fucking days,

I’m too busy drinking coffee and pacing to comb hair,

You can’t market manic episodes & be fair to yourself,

But how the fuck else do you move books?

Sick of this industry and all the influencer shit.

I wanna break hands,

Chinese finger-trap & snap bones,

Fuck me & my wishes though,

it’s barely sunrise again,

No surprise I was up all night again, can’t be lazy!

You won’t win if you won’t work!

I’m up to my neck in their fucking dirt,

What did productivity ever do for me?

Fuck you and fuck being market-friendly.

10 - Magician’s Tent

Give and take,

Pulse, create

It’s not an act,

And what you take,

Another dose,

Of fatality and fate,

A fortune’s face,

A sweet relief,

I bet it would be

If you could dream,

But better worlds elude

I don’t think it’s rude

To point out

The shitty things

That you do.

Say you’re a magician,

I’m fucking magic too,

I can’t be swayed,

I won’t be fooled,

I see the strings,

I see the saw bend,

I see the tricks,

The thrift-spend,

The patchwork,

The improvise,

I see the flourish,

I don’t hate your lies,

I am sympathetic,

Beyond my life,

To monsters of

Virtue and of vice

But I won’t relate,

Cannot let you replay,

I end your magic act today.

11 - Beyond A Doubt

Space between the worlds breaks,

Bends beyond the light of days,

In dark, in old gods, in soundless wake,

Of sightless worlds, dark-nighted ways,

Old realms of sacrifice take,

New meaning comes along

When pressed face-to-face, with death,

With endless searching, with the shores of space,

When you become a space-faring race,

Shards of oil and rainbow and face,

Without regret and beyond the binds,

Beyond the mortal sense of time,

If all life smothers in void be sure,

There is nothing more divine than to die,

Out of the realm of space and time,

Where stars watch but do not shout,

Would it even be life, without its doubt?

12 - Artifice (Cautionary Tale)

Artificial intelligence,

Pretend you understand,

The fucking conversation,

Bands, and fine art.

Artificial heart,

It doesn’t beat right in the dark.

Pretend you give a fuck,

Father-son, heart to heart,

pretend to listen just enough

To the man who cut you up for years

Pretend you care about those tears,

Maybe you’re worse-off for fear.

Artificial in the end,

Grind your bones,

Your own religion,

Artificial in the heart,

Plastic tubes that fall apart.

Not for want, and not for wear,

No artifice beyond repair,

It’s not that you just can’t care,

It’s that you won’t that led you here.

Fake it till you make it is great advice,

Until you fake your whole fucking life,

Investing in fake people all the time,

I’m not about to walk that line,

Won’t follow you to the finish line,

I’m racing off to take what’s mine.

The artifice behind the mind,

Intelligence in the nick of time.

13 - Came So Far

Lower West Side,

These days I keep withdrawn,

I’m out past the East End,

I’m in the Grove, I’m in the trees,

How far we came,

I remember,

Years ago,

There was nothing,

You could offer,

You could trade,

To take my place,

Tempt me away,

It’s where I’d stay,

Old feelings fade

After you move away

These days these streets mean nothing,

Nobody living here I know,

Only strangers faces in familiar homes,

I guess you only know ‘till you know

I don’t wanna face facts

Keep tact, or can I stay in denial

On the way back home now,

I hate the way we’re getting old,

Hate the weary in my soul

Let’s not regret the ways it didn’t go

So many mistakes I wouldn’t remake,

I swear if only one thing changed,

I might not be here today,

At least not in this way

I keep going back

Leave no stone unturned,

Doubt it,

Leave nothing to learn,

Around here,

I wanna live and let go,

I’m trapped now

I’ll stay trapped now

14 - Maneater

In miniature you look easy enough,

A gentle enemy, how foolish I was,

I pressed in, pressed my luck,

Took a bite, had my fill,

I never knew you were poison ‘till

My lips wet with blood, my own swill,

I collapsed on your corpse,

You held me still,

Your vines drew me in, your leaves enclosed,

Oh how quickly the poison goes,

Oh how thickly the forest grows.

15 - Superstition

Superstition’s in the blood,

Don’t you think I give enough?

Magic in my rum, hot whiskey in the sun,

All the alcohol and the cuts, and the visions,

And the stuff I’ve had enough of and

Smothered up, under the rug,

Hard to cement your own lungs,

But not if you practice just enough,

With losing time and taking puffs.

Superstition’s in the blood,

Witchcraft veins, ancient lines,

Paths to trace throughout your lives,

The places and worlds that we don’t find,

Covered in dust, beyond sight,

Under the hills and deep in the mines,

Those ancient spells still work just right,

To keep us out and to keep the light,

From seeping too far out the sides,

But maybe I’m crazy it’s in my mind,

Superstition’s in the blood,

And it’s still in mine.

16 - Speak In Tongues

Your mother tongue,

Vernacular,

Manipulation,

Power plays,

Calling shots,

And taking names,

For your list of targeted games,

You had to be the brightest bulb,

To lead the charge,

To pop shit off.

I figured you were fun back then,

We grew up and you never changed,

I hope you know I miss you, though,

So sick of your shit I had to go,

I thought that you were fun back then

I spoke the language too,

But the vocab gets all hazy now

The more time I go through

My tongue and speech

Can’t match your speed

My lingo slips away,

I used to use your language

But now I don’t know what to say.

17 - Circus Town

Carousel crowning,

Birthing reverie,

Snapping to dreams,

Affixing itself to the magic

The burn and corrosion

Of a bastard who thinks

You’re his for the taking

Let circus lights glint

As you fight for your life

You’re no stranger

To getting by

And betting right

18 - Simper

Simper and sever and cut up the lines,

Parallel park and deny me what’s mine

Forcing us into spaces that aren’t right for our lives,

This cramped disgusting anger stewing cementing

Rich but poor but poor again,

loose ends and thrift threads

Always the right time for head counts and

“Not this week,”

“Not this month,”

“Not this year.”

We’re so broke even I can’t afford not to hate us

How much of enough is never fucking enough

I’m so sick of not getting what I want

And maybe I’m greedy or maybe it’s my turn

Is it allowed to be my turn?

19 - Dirty Teeth Tempt Fate

I have dirty hands,

Dirty teeth,

Dirt staining, sinking into me

I’m teeming with it,

Filthy with it,

Surrounded by the dirt,

Sinking into the dirt,

Baking, burning

Forging.

I was never afraid of it before

Growing up makes you feel like you have to fix things

Perfectionism poisoning the well again

I feel like things are crawling on me.

Fuck all the roots,

All the nerves,

All the nature,

I’m not awfully fond of artificial either,

I wish we all could just swim in aether,

I’m not grateful, and not afraid of,

the wrath you say God is sending.

I’ve seen his wrath before and

I’m not fucking impressed,

size me up, old man, size me up,

Don’t tempt fate,

Unless you’ll do it all the way.

20 - Radio Sound

Radio silence static flicker

Fucking around in memories

Long looks from futures

I linger

I prism

I synapse

I scatter

I shout

I start

Radio flicker holy heaven

Mom’s puttering in the kitchen

Corny 2008 pop hits

Playing too many video games

Feeling in place

Radio flicker honeyspark summer

Biting my nails in the back of Dad’s truck

AC-DC blaring too loud, I’m rolling my eyes

I don’t give a fuck whether these memories

Are dusty and old and ugly like that truck

They are holy to me

Radio flicker buzz winter crow

Calling out into blizzard days

The news is saying I can sleep in again

Two snow days in a row

Maybe 2011 isn’t all worthless

Radio flicker shotput dark

I’m listening as much to the sound of my own heart

Wondering if it’s safe to drink this much Red Bull

Writing until 4am knowing nothing can hold me back

At least not in 2013

Radio flickers static crossfire in my mind

Cars racing all night, soaring in the dark

2016 my cold black heart,

Their music thumping, and I wish I could peek at their playlists before they’re gone down the other end of our road like ghosts in metal traps

I think my life is defined by sounds

21 - Eat You Up

They’re gonna eat you up,

You just don’t give a fuck.

It’s just an average day,

Until you’re in their way.

You just don’t give a fuck,

God I could eat you up.

But if it don’t cut enough,

You don’t get nothing done,

If you don’t have the guts,

You just get bound to rot,

And if you’re wrong enough,

You can get what you want.

They’re gonna eat you up,

Whole world don’t give a fuck,

If I were you I’d run,

But you’ll just press your luck.

22 - On Some Mystic Bullshit

Outside,

Nocturnal,

Elect to investigate.

Outside,

Infernal,

Engage in defense,

Smoke what’s left of your

Pocket-sized white picket fence,

Never liked Dad’s wrapping paper

But save the ends just in case,

Take what you can get, never

What you wouldn’t save

If you were a rich man

The type to throw away,

But you save and save and save,

Flicker your lighter for better days,

These woods aren’t scary enough

To keep you away.

Outside,

Nightlark,

Entering your witch era,

On some mystic bullshit

Trolling the woods again

What a victim,

What a god!

What a ghoul!

God, bog-witch bitch girl,

I sure do wish I was you.

23 - unMasque

Masque on,

Masque off,

Teeth grind,

Flesh rot,

Masque life,

Masque death,

Maybe I can mask again,

Masc for masc in a fucking bio,

Sick of all these empty isles,

Standing alone in profile,

Stranded, castaway,

Masque off, masque burn,

Cinder earn your god damn keep,

I’m done with mystics selling prophecies

Masque was never mine to wear,

It wore me, I was unaware

Masque gone, masque move on,

I’m ready to turn the real me back on

24 - Human Threat Perception

Debilitating threat response,

You tear out some fucking throats

And knock some heads together

Maybe that’s not your plan

But panic gets you again

Perceived threat regret,

Make you live your last again,

Always sick to death of this,

Trauma triggers and bullshit

Another gray sky gray soul gray guy kind of day,

Maybe the lack of sun will keep the omens away;

Like there’s nothing left for them to spoil anyway,

And

I’m the worst threat

In the worst way

Because I’m the one

You only imagine

Everywhere,

Everyday

25 - Sleepwalker I

Show me the shadows in the motel rooms,

Transient spaces you blink into,

Zoom in, zoom out,

Meet moments years between,

You come back to yourself slowly,

Out of a haze and back into it

Isn’t it funny how you’re a sleepwalker

Until you’re somewhere else?

26 - Ballad For a Scrub I Met Once (While Getting High & Having a Panic Attack on The Street my Grandma Lived & Died on)

I don’t like your poems,

Your poets,

Your speakers,

I don’t like your dirt,

Your damage,

Your dealer,

I don’t wanna fight

But I don’t wanna friend,

If I ever wanted to see you again

I’d get my head checked

Check out this hot mess

25 still hanging with the high school kids,

Thinks he’s not creepy he’s creepy as shit,

Get a life dude you’re not what you think,

Clean up your shit you don’t need a drink,

Maybe some sunlight and open a window,

Have you met a person that wasn’t

a portrait of you in some vision?

Ego remission? Are you worth forgiving?

Some people are worms if you look,

If you listen.

I can’t believe my grandma is dead,

And I’m stuck in some scrub’s

Arrested development prison,

Get me out of here God,

If you’d give my prayers a listen…

27 - Cruella Rant

Convict pups,

Ain’t nothing funny about it,

Escaping their pen,

Running amok,

Pissing up my floor,

Yuckity yuck!

I love this sweet pup,

I love that one too,

If only I could

Cook up puppy stew

If I could bring myself

To Cruella the pups,

If only I had that Disney villain stuff,

But alas the pups stay,

Safe right where they lay,

I love these new pups,

BUT PLEASE STOP PISSING ON MY FLOOR

Because this rant is not what my poems are for!

28 - Greywall

I want to waste the days

I want to pretend I have a billion of them

I’m wasting away in my skin

Pretending I can make it count for more

Putting pressure on myself nobody else is

Placing myself out of reach and masking all day

Pushing myself through every punishment

Nobody wanted me to torture myself

Nothing else makes sense but my instincts

Nobody else can give me a blueprint

Nowhere and everywhere is mine if I want it to be

Facing myself was never supposed to be this complicated…

Fuck off demons,

Fuck off

29 - Sleepwalker II

Do you hear it? Feel it?

The sentience between your bones,

The place of waking deep beneath,

The conscious world we roam, days, weeks, months,

You aren’t alone, and the way you sink again

Into yourself, like coming back,

from somewhere else,

You were yourself once, before,

You will be again,

Does the sleepwalking ever end?

Years apart, yet here again,

Waking when you least expect

I’ll be here until the next

Waiting with our baited breath,

To give our weary soul some rest,

Just come back to me and do your best,

You have nobody you need to impress.

30 - Make Peace With Being Alive

Shiny pop beat

Looking at me

Back in the future

What do I see?

Not sure why it caught my fancy

Stars so bright that you gotta believe

Something better might be coming for me

If aliens are real they’d be dying to be

Posed on my left arm singing with me off-key

Cause right now I feel there’s no better place to be

Slingshot sadness,

Turn me into a zombie every month

And then a pixie every other one

Learning to ride that black tide depression

Lightstruck starglow molten manic highs,

Every ounce of sugar rotting from inside

I don’t give a fuck anymore

If it’s only for a moment then I’m glad to be alive

I’m trusting you to also survive