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Under his Touch Quotes

These are for Wattpad; a quote for every chapter.

Blue-Eyed Surprise

Lucky you! I just put out a hot new gay erotic romance short that you can read for free on Wattpad here. Under His Touch is short and sweet and sexy, and it features a very cute, protective hunk with a pair of frosty blues.

Clearly this is under my adult pen name, Cosmo Knox, meaning there's going to be explicit sex in it, so read at your own risk!

You know you wanna ;)

Aside from getting back into the writing groove, I've been watching a bunch of Strange Empire on Netflix.

I've also been producing a bunch of music. I've been using Soundation & Looplabs, & it's nothing fancy - just digital instrumental stuff, like background music in video games, but if you want to you should check it out on my Youtube page.

I'll have a finished version of Forsake This Violent World up on Wattpad and Kindle soon, and then I'll be working on putting out two novellas on the same day :) One of them is Beacon, and the other is a surprise, but I will say it's also young adult...

Forsake This Violent World Teaser

Chapter one of my new story Forsake This Violent World is up on Wattpad! The novella should be out sometime this month, but I'm still working on it. In that vein I thought I'd share a snippet!

:)

FTVW is basically a paranormal Kill Bill. It's also influenced by stuff like Coraline and Crimson Peak (freaky mansions anybody?) and good music I've been listening to like Astrid S, HANA, and the new Lorde. It's mostly about killing an evil crystal goddess, but it's got plenty of snark, sexy bits, and themes of grief, strength, overcoming self-hate, et-cet...

I think this is one of my favorite covers I've ever made, and maybe one of my strongest pieces of writing yet?

I may be biased, but I really love this main character, Ruby. She's a darker hero with a lot of emotional baggage and anger, and she's a lot more in-your-face about it than my other characters. She's fairly dramatic, but then, her life has been pretty dramatic.

You can read the first chapter here.

I Don't Know Anymore

I don't know anything anymore, so I'm going to stop trying to figure things out and just float. I'm a mentally ill basket case so overthinking things is kind of my one and only skill, but I'll just have to work around that.

Y'all probably have no idea what I'm taking about, which is cool, because neither do I half the time. But lately I've been really stressed out. I've relapsed with self-harm, I've been basically having an emotional breakdown a day. I don't think I'm alone in that regard because everybody has been stressing the fuck out for...a long time, honestly.

Still, I'm at a point in my life where I never thought I'd be. I don't really recognize myself, know who I am or who I want to be, or where I'm going.

So, I guess...I'm in my early twenties?

I don't know. I didn't anticipate being this person. I can't say I hate myself, I understand certain reasons why I am the way I am, why it's so hard for me to connect with people or let anybody in, why I'm such an easier target for addiction and destructive behaviors, but understanding doesn't necessarily absolve me or make me feel any better, you know?

At the end of the day, all of the questions we ask ourselves - Am I a good person? Do I have a soul? Is there a God? Am I wasting my life? - are all in our heads, and they'll stay that way, like they always have, until we die. So it doesn't really matter.

But then again, knowing it doesn't matter also doesn't make me feel better. Or make me any less guilty for existing.

I read in this Grimes interview recently where she said something like, she's sorry she can't do anything more useful to society than sing or produce, and I can relate to that. I've never really felt useful/necessary. I never didn't feel useful or necessary growing up, but I hadn't fallen into a void of depression, apathy, and emotional trauma at that point, either, so I don't know.

This post isn't meant to sound as angsty and whiny as it does, but I find it really fucking crazy that there are people who wake up and go through their day and don't have to contend with the constant urge to end their own lives and/or do fucked up shit, that people get through a day without having an intrusive thought or purposely chasing down their own darkest memories even though they know it isn't a good idea.

I don't know what it is to not be in the middle of a crisis, because everything is a crisis for me. The fact that I exist, in this universe, in a physical human form, is a crisis. I am not equipped to deal with this shit.

I'm also not equipped to kill myself.

I mean, yeah, I want to on a daily basis (awkward lmao) but I'm not about to rush out and do it. I don't know what stops me, if it's just fear of physical pain or a natural survival drive, but something does. I'm not going to act like I don't self-harm, because I feel like hiding it does more harm than good and, honestly, I'd rather be open about the fact that if you want to even try and recover, you're going to fucking relapse a few times. I relapse. At least I'm trying to do better for myself. Which is all any of us are in a position to do, honestly.

All I'm saying is that a lot of people tell me I seem like I have things figured out, from an outside perspective. But I don't.

I'm stoned every day, I have literally one friend, who I rarely see, and 99% of my time is spent in one room, in the dark, writing or beating myself up for not writing.

I'm 21, I still live at home, I'm borderline and ocd as fuck, I'm not happy with my career, and I have zero close personal relationships.

But I'm still here. I'm counting that as a win even though I don't particularly like myself or my life, because I'm alive and I'm fighting and I'm pretty sure I'm going to look my demons in the eye and kick their asses, any day now.

I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe I'm going to wake up one day a month or a year or five years from now and magically be happy. But I do know that if I do wake up a year or five years from now, it's going to be the same way I do now - fighting. I know that I've been through some of my darkest moments and woken up the next morning even though ever fiber of my being was screaming that I wouldn't, or that I couldn't.

I want to be a better person, I'm fighting to be a better person, and I'm serving paranormal romance escapism realness along the way. That's all I know how to do, so I'll make it work.

The truth is I'm not writing this post for anybody else. I'm writing it for myself, to let myself know it's okay to keep moving.