What Am I Doing?

What am I doing? It's four am and I've suddenly become interested in True Blood again (I rewatched the first two seasons and saw the third for the first time this summer) and now I'm finally sitting down to devour the fourth season BECAUSE IT'S A PROBLEM OKAY? I honestly couldn't stop now if I wanted to. And boy, do I want to - because this show is keeping me away from my damn homework.

I have six assignments to do today, so once my parents leave for work I'm going to be spending hours sitting here finishing those up and then be able to hand them in tomorrow. I have to go back to school this week, and I don't know which one I'll even be going to or what I'm gonna be taking, so naturally it's fucking me up and I'm trying not to think about it.

Which hasn't been working out well for me so far, clearly. I need to finish them, but I keep procrastinating because, you know, that's who I am.

I also want to get in a workout today, which is going to be fucking painful, I already know. I did a nice one the other day, but now I'm sore all over. Fun, right? I know people say it's good to exercise, but I kind of feel like I died a bit.

What I need is to be able to focus on writing and publishing and building a career for myself, but I also desperately need this diploma, and to be healthy, and to, you know, face life. Which has been hard, since I'm also trying to balance the whole mental illness thing, and I'm not taking medication anymore because of the side effects. The upside is that I'm not going to randomly have a stroke or develop type two diabetes - the downside is, hey, I have to deal with all of this shit on my own now!

I don't like to talk too much about my mental illness, because I feel like sometimes in the past I've overshared and it hasn't been productive or healthy for me, but the basics of it is I have anxiety and depression, and minor paranoia.

I'm managing it, to be clear, but it's hard. And sometimes I do fail. And I know that that will happen; illness isn't easy, and sometimes it wins. But I like to win. And I do not like to feel helpless, which is how I do.

Right now I'm taking it day by day, focusing on self-improvement and trying to be kind to myself, and to be fair I think it's gotten a lot easier as I grow stronger and learn to take care of myself, but there are still days when I can't fight off invasive thoughts or work my way around it, and I go into a depressive episode or a state of mania and things get bad.

The reason I'm even bringing it up now is because I haven't really blogged since the beginning of the month, which makes me feel bad, because I like to keep this page updated and I honestly love blogging. But I went into a depressive episode that lasted a few days, and at the end of it I just knew I had to make some serious life changes and extract myself from certain situations that weren't healthy for me at this point.

So I did that, and it's been getting better, and things are getting back on track. I'm letting myself unwind with True Blood right now, but later today things pick up again.

The best thing I can do is pick myself up and do my best. So. Homework. Exercise. Healthy eating habits. Those are things I'm going to embrace today. And be productive.

School is going to be hectic, but Souls of Salt and Seawater will be out by the end of February or the beginning of March. I turn twenty on March twenty-second, so I want to be well-into edits on Shadows by the that time.

Something Meatless

So. The vegetarian thing is still going. I'm losing bits of my sanity every time someone in the house cooks meat, but I haven't cracked yet.

I woke up at twelve am and it's four in the morning now, so I should start working for a while, because I have a bunch of homework to do today as well, and I want to get my daily editing out of the way.

But first I have to go make something to eat. Something meatless. Ugh.

Into The Storm

My goals for today are this:

1. Finish an assignment.
2. Finish a round of edits.
3. Finish reading Storm by Amanda Sun.

Here's the thing: I love the Paper God's trilogy. I love Amanda Sun's writing. I do not love doing things that aren't writing or browsing the internet. I have such a lack of motivation lately it's not even funny: and it's not that I'm not excited about my goals or I don't wanna accomplish things. It's just that my bed is super comfy and it's a lot more fun to sit under the covers and get stoned and browse the web and listen to pop music than it is to sit down and actually get some work done.

But I love this series and characters, and I need to be ready to read Heir to the Sky, so I'm going to just sit down today and read this damn book. If I don't finish it, that's fine, but I only have a third of the book left, so it doesn't feel like too much.

So those are my goals today, and if I don't accomplish them, then fine, but I really want to. The thing is, even when I do work lately, it's school work, since that has to take priority since I really, really would like to graduate this year.

I guess I'll be staying on my grind for the a while to come. . .

Drinking My Hot Chocolate & Minding My Own Damn Business

🌙🌙🌙

Shadowhunters doesn't premier until the twelfth, and that is killing me. I keep seeing these fantastic edits and screen shots and promo pics on Tumblr, and I have no idea how other fans are getting these/where they're finding them, but they're just making me more anxious to watch. And then when I do get to watch, I'll only get the one episode, and then I'll be waiting another week.

This show might kill me. Hell, waiting the last few days for it might kill me. Rereading the books would certainly kill me, so I won't even go near those. (God knows if I crack open City of Bones one more time, that paperback is gonna snap in half or something.)

So I'll keep drinking my hot chocolate and minding my own damn business. Kuma is going home later today, so until then we're sitting around on the internet. Once she leaves, I'll probably stay up and get work done. I haven't done much while she's been here, aside from finishing up the new edition of Midnight City. I also have school work to do - like, 13 assignments - in the next eight or nine days. I have a schedule worked out so it will only take me four days, as long as I don't fuck around and waste my time, so I'l going to start those tonight too.

It's nice to be getting back to work, even though it has been a fun few days. Last night I had an old friend who I haven't talked to since September come out for an hour or so and we all just sat around laughing our asses off and having a good time. Kuma's been here for about five days, and both she and Winter were here for three or four days before that.

Things have been hectic. But at least my seasonal at Bath and Body Works is over - not that I didn't like it, because it was cool for the most part. But it was a lot of anxiety-inducing situations and long days that were hard to cope with, though I knew that before I even went in for my interview.

The point is, there's less on my plate not. Which is good.

I always tend to bite off more than I can chew or give myself a really challenging work load, but I can't help myself. If something is too easy, it's excruciating. If it's too much of a challenge, it's still going to be hard, but at least it's more entertaining.

It's also really, really fucking satisfying to check something off of your list. Like yesterday, pressing publish on the new edition of Things We Saw at Midnight was such a relief - I've been wanting to sit down and tackle that for a month and a half now, and it's finally done.

Now it's just onto the next one.

Bath & Body Works, Acoustic Guitar, and Misadventures in Exercise

So, my seasonal finally ended, and I'm back to being a full-time slug. At least, until the next semester of school starts. Of course, I'll still be working all day every day; I'll just be doing it at home, in my pajamas. I'm still editing SOSAS, and drafting The Indigo Horde (fun!) but I also have school work, and a new diet, and a new instrument and language to learn. So, yeah. I'm learning French at the moment, and I got an acoustic guitar for Christmas - which I asked for, and am over the moon to get - that I now have to learn.

As far as the new diet? I'm cutting out all junk food, all red meat, and adding thirty minutes of exercise a day. In the past I've only been exercising a couple times a week, and then I got my job and stopped altogether, because I figured that was exercise enough - and I was mostly right, since I lost like 8 pounds while working at that store. I started eating a lot as Christmas got closer, especially Chinese takeout and pizza, along with Christmas dinner and all the chocolate I got in my stocking. So, yeah. Not good. I also binged on soda while drinking (because as much as I love shots, I wasn't drinking an entire pint of vodka straight) along with vodka coolers and lemonades that I'm sure are calorie killers.

So, yeah, cutting alcohol out of the new diet, too. I'll probably drink again in the future, but most likely not until we're well into summer. I like to keep drinking a once-in-a-while kind of thing anyway, because I've had problems with self-medicating with it in the past. It's not a problem now, but I still try to stay mindful when it comes to casual drinking, as well.

So, yeah, that's what I have to look forward to over the next few weeks: a lot of work. I mean, it's fun work, but still.

Since my seasonal is over, I guess I can talk more openly about it now? I was working the Christmas rush at Bath and Body Works, and I honestly have no desire to ever step into a mall again. Shoppers are annoying. I'm sure I'm annoying to employees at stores too, though.

I basically went around un-boxing and shelving stuff, though I ended up working the floor and helping customers a lot, too, since I was out there so much. I don't really know what to say about it. It was fun. And exhausting. Really exhausting.

Half of that, was commute time, but the other half was just me. I'm not generally used to being around people all day, anymore, and it drained me. At the same time, the work was hard and I often didn't bring a lunch (I don't like carrying shit around, so that's on me) so I was constantly tired and hungry and in a mild state of anxiety. It only got really bad once, I think my second to last week - I had an anxiety attack and ended up leaving. I told my boss I had to go because I just didn't feel good, but I was honestly about to burst into tears. I have no idea why I freaked out like that, so I guess I was just overwhelmed that day. I think it was a valid learning experience, and I did gain some confidence just from being around people that often, but I'm glad it's over and I get a short break for a while.

Well, a break from going out every day. Not a break from working.

I've also done a lot of shopping lately. I bought myself one of those adult coloring books, and a few actual novels, along with a sketchbook. I grabbed a new hat and some candles. I think I'm going to buy some new incense the next time I go out, because those stick are cheap and I haven't had any in a while.

I also bought some video games. I got Saints Row 3 (we used to have it for xbox, and I missed it, so I grabbed one for the ps3 and I'm just as addicted as I was before) and Enslaved, Odyssey to the West. I would probably be playing those now, honestly, but my brother and his girlfriend are watching some mafia show on the big screen, and my cousin Amelia is passed out on my bed behind me (she had the bright idea to pull an all-nighter and then ditched me before it was even eleven o'clock!) and I really want to spend the next three hours just listening to 8tracks.

But I'm going to force myself to write more of the indigo horde while I do it, because priorities.

You Had a Thing No One Could Ever Be Sure Of

Title from the song Weight of Love by The Black Keys.

So. It's Black Friday. I worked from 9 to 5:30 today, then scrambled over to Best Buy and got a new laptop. Then I ran home and did the dishes, threw some chicken strips in the oven, and bolted to open this computer as fast as humanly possible.

I think I've met my one true love. No, but seriously - this laptop if my new golden child.

Anyway, I'm dead tired, but I'm taking a night off editing SOSAS, so I told myself I had to write a blog post instead, so here I am.

The last few weeks have been crazy.

Since I started working this job, I've lost ten pounds. My feet are covered in blisters, and my hands are constantly cut from the cardboard sleeves in the boxes at work, and by the time I'm off ever night I'm dead-tired from spending 8 hours on my feet, interacting with people, lugging out boxes and shelving stuff. It's tiring work, and anxiety doesn't make it easier. It's awful coming home after an eight and a half hour shift to realize you still have to write for two hours, on top of doing stuff around the house (aka picking up after four cats) and cooking dinner, if it's my turn to cook that night. I'm stretched pretty thin. There have been nights where I haven't written anything at all, because I come home and just pass out until it's time to get up and go back to work again. Did I mention I'm glad I'm only working seasonal?

I go back to school in January, and that will make work harder, too, but it's only for one semester, and then I'm free! I still totally failed Nano this month (actual life took over my life) but this job pays better than royalties right now, and I need this money so I can buy stuff that makes my job doable - like a laptop with a functional keyboard - and stuff that I desperately need; a phone, new clothing, gas, food - you know, the annoying shit we all need to live. But I'm hoping that now that I have this laptop and can write in bed, I'll put more work hours in.

Goodbye, external keyboard. Hello, productivity!

Work aside, I've actually gotten in a lot of reading lately while waiting for the bus or my ride home from work, and I just finished Carry On by Rainbow Rowell (my new favorite book! Review here) and Ruin and Rising, by Leigh Bardugo (review here).  What I really want now is the new Amanda Hocking, which doesn't come out until after new year's, so maybe a Kanin re-read is in order. . .

I've been listening to a lot of PVRIS and Tor Miller. I am obsessively watching Scream Queens. And you. Always. At night, when you think you're alone, I see you, staring into the dark, wondering . . .

Or maybe not.

And that's all I have to mention. As soon as I have a day off I'll have a blog about work and a blog about all this epic pop culture that I've been taking in lately, but right now I'm too tired to delve into much of it, outside of listing shit off.

Now I'm going to pass out, and wake up, and work another eight hour shift. Wish me luck. (I really, really, really need it.)

The First Day of School: A Summary

So yesterday was my first day of school. I have to admit, I've been anxious about this for weeks. The end of summer was getting closer and I had no idea if I would be back in school daily or on the same program I'd been on last year, which was one where I basically home-schooled myself. I had to meet with the principal yesterday to figure out what would be happening.

I think a lot of people are surprised to find out I'm still in high school, and that always surprises me. It shouldn't, honestly, because I'm too old to still be in high school, so the assumption makes sense - but I'm not used to people taking me seriously enough to not immediately assume I'm an adult imposter. So why am I in high school? I failed two grades, among other things. I don't know how I failed grade one, so don't ask - I don't even know how it was possible, but it happened. In grade six I started skipping school a bunch, and had to repeat the year. I kept skipping after that, but it didn't get me in academic trouble until high school.

Anyway, I'm supposed to graduate this year. And I'm hoping I'll have all of my credits by the end of the first semester, so I won't even have to do this for the entire year - just half. But in order to accomplish that I needed to get on packages - the aforementioned home-schooling program - so I could work at my own pace and earn as many credits as possible.

The day started at 4:30am. I woke up in the dark, sweating, with my heart racing. I'd had another one of those serial killer dreams. I seem to be fixated on this idea this week, and I keep dreaming about it. It's because I watch too much Scream the tv show and eating cold pizza before I go to sleep, but it's giving me thrilling dreams and fantastic ideas, so I'm not complaining. Except for the whole awake at 4am part.

I was nervous as soon as I woke up. If I didn't get packages then I'd be spending the entire year in stuffy public school classrooms, the ones with the pastel painted cement block walls and desks with plastic 'wood finish' veneer. I was also nervous because if I did have to do that, it would be my last time ever being in high school - and if I get packages then that last time has already past. And that makes me sort of sad.

Public school raised me as much as my parents did. The reading corner in Ms. Genge's first grade class, trips to the library down the hall in her third grade class later on. I can remember my first crush - which, surprisingly enough, was on a girl - in Ms. Hachey's fourth grade home room. I remember pumpkin carving in the gym of my first middle school in grade 6, both times around, remember getting sent to the office for snapping at teachers, remember the first time someone told me I was their friend and I really believed them. I can remember ignoring our teacher lecturing us in social studies in the sixth grade so we could talk about Twilight and New Moon, and I can remember how after the longest detention of my life the same teacher who'd given it to me told me she thought I had what it took to be successful.

I remember my home room teacher in the second attempt at sixth grade, Mrs. Holden, lending me books and talking about my interests with me after class while I helped stack chairs - not because she had to, but because she was genuinely interested in talking with her students. I remember a teacher in the seventh grade giving me ten dollars to buy a cd at a school event, and I remember the first teacher who ever snapped at another student for using a gay slur, because one of his classmates could be gay. One of the first people who ever really made me believe I was talented and clever was my ninth grade English teacher, and I can still remember the vice principal of my high school keeping bins of snack bars and pastries and instant ramen just inside the door of his office so kids could grab a snack. I can remember spending music class holed up in the book room across the hall or the empty auditorium upstairs, pretending to learn guitar while we spent the entire hour talking, becoming friends.

This school system has been my home for 13 years now, and it will be that and a half by the end of this semester. It's a lot to say goodbye to, no matter how it ended.

I ended up sandwiched in the principal's office with him and a girl I've been friends with since the second grade, and we both ended up getting packages. So that's it, I sat in a high school classroom for the last time the first semester of the eleventh grade, and now I'm never gonna sit in one again.

I'll never eat lunch in the cafeteria again - or, more realistically, trudge uptown through snow for off-campus takeout - and I'll never spend break between each class gossiping in the chaos of a crowded hallway, or skip a class to go for coffee or hide out in the basement hallway near the pool, where everything smells like chlorine.

I'm strangely sad about it. And I'm excited, too, because now I can focus on work and graduating and writing. It's just odd to leave such a big chunk of my life behind. It helped me become who I was and learn a lot about the world, and it's sort of melancholy to watch it all slip away, even if I'm elated at the thought of a new chapter starting. And a new chapter is starting. Because I'm free by the end of this year. I can move wherever I want. I can do whatever I want. I can pursue my career without having to sacrifice time to school or other commitments that are forced on me. I'm, y'know, an adult.

And hey, the rest of the day was pretty good, too: I spent a lot of it sitting in the grass at the public park smoking with friends, but I also spent some time at an old playground called Rainbow Park that I love, and I got to hang out with some people I haven't seen in months because of life getting in the way.

So yeah, I don't know. It was wild, and nostalgic, and I'm a bit torn up about the fact that it's the last first day of my high school years. I'm a bit sad that it's my last first day with the friends I've been with since elementary school.

I'm set to spent an entire semester sitting around in my pajamas, mainlining coffees, writing, and squeezing in episodes of America's Next Top Model in-between bouts of obsessive school work. So I have a lot to do, and I'm gonna go get started, but I just needed to observe this strange sequence called time for a minute.

I would go along with someone like you

Title of this post courtesy of the song 'Young folks' by Peter Bjorn and John!

So obviously I promised to post here often just after new years and I never did!

A lot is going on lately and I just wanted to post  quick update with a few things that have happened recently!

First of all, I switched schools. I now go to a learning centre here in my city where I only have four classes a day from Monday to Thursday, and only two classes a day on Fridays. I get out of school earlier but get home at the same time due to bus schedules, and the driving really exhausts me. Technically I still go to my old school, but I attend classes at the centre. I'm doing it to improve my grades and hopefully upgrade into higher grade levels so I can start earning credits sooner!  I miss my friends so I'm hoping I can be back at my public school as soon as possible.

Secondly, I've been working hard on reading more and since January I've read something 33 books! That's almost a book every day and a half! When I reach fifty I plan on taking a short break to work more on my writing, because I want to finish another book soon. I also want to edit the one I finished, to be honest. I think it needs some major rewrites and plot doctoring though.

So things have been crazy and hectic and I haven't had much time to blog or much to blog about. My days go like this:

Wake up > Shower > Drive > School > Drive > 40 minute wait at another school > Drive > Home > Try to do something productive before passing out.

The new school is a lot more taxing right now because I don't know anyone and they don't seem like my kind of people, really. My anxiety acts up a lot there and I'm very exhausted by the time I get home, so I try to simply wind down and get in a good mood and by then it's time to sleep. I'm not fond of that schedule, and I really miss my old school. And my friends. And the city, because this new school is across a causeway and I have no time to go into the city. It's miserable.

I'm going to talk to the principal sometime next week to ask about online courses and upgrading to some 11 and 12 classes. My goal is to have at least one credit by the end of this term and be working on the rest, so I can get back to my old school as soon as pronto!