Lose Your Head

*Title from Lose Your Head by London Grammar

I haven't been blogging in forever. Nobody really reads this blog, but that should make it more fun for me, not less: frankly I'm here for me, doing this for me. It keeps me on-focus and keeps me feeling like I have some momentum behind me. It helps me orient myself and remember what my goals are. Honestly, I know it's all about vlogging on Youtube/Twitch these days, but I'm never going to stop writing/blogging.

It may be retro, but whatever, retro used to be cool. I used to love reading Amanda Hocking's blog back in the day. Writers write, so it makes more sense for us to blog than vlog. I do love a lot of authortube, though, don't get me wrong. Liselle Sambury and Katie Wisemer and Kate Cavanaugh, Alexa Donne, stuff like that. They're great.

I just also love blogging. Even though I don't read any other blogs any more. But somebody needs to become a blogger icon and bring it back. I miss the vibes, I'm waiting for my blogger messiah. In the meantime I'm gonna keep writing.

I've been trying and failing to focus on this project...

I wrote my book Things We Sat At Midnight wayyyy back in 2014 or 2015. I don't remember which. I'm 99% sure it was 2015, but I've been sure and still been wrong before. What I DO remember is I wrote it in one day and I was stoned as fuck. I edited it and put it out that same day, too. Back then I was so obsessed with speed and proving I could churn things out quickly and have a pipeline of content like a traditional publishing house did. I was eighteen and I felt like I had so much to prove.

Now, looking back at it at 27, I think any self-publisher trying to keep up with, let alone compete with traditional publishers is wasting their time and their potential. It doesn't need to be proven anyway: most trad-pub authors put out one book a year while many self-pubbed authors are out here putting out like four books a year.

I just want to keep writing. That's my idea of success: words on a page.

I used to be able to leap into another world, now I have trouble getting outside of my own head and engaging with stories. I'm fighting to reconnect with that side of my creativity, my love of reading and writing that was all-encompassing and felt so natural. I miss it a lot.

It's harder to escape the world now. I was so idealistic when I started writing, and now I feel guilty for engaging in fantasy while other people are being bombed, or killed, or violated. I miss my old self, I miss my old friends, I miss the world of 2011, 2012, 2013, when I felt nature was alive, the future was bright and hopeful, and I was young and full of promise, on the brink of my dreams.

Now every moment of joy or escapism feels fought-for and hard-won. And feels laced with guilt, shame.

I am slowly editing and rewriting Things We Saw At Midnight, feeling nostalgic for older, simpler times and vibes. I'm particularly working hard on the story Just Another Ordinary Monday, which is being re-named Worldspeak and heavily rewritten/expanded. It's been a hell of a job so far.

The story needs a lot more editing and improvement than I thought it would, but it's okay. I'm having fun despite the challenge. But I'm coming out of some writer's block and thinking things through. Rereading. Editing. Taking stock. I forgot how much I love/need/want/require outlines. And I do. Require outlines.

Discovery writing is fun, but so unreliable.

From Just Another Ordinary Monday Morning >to> Worldspeak, this story is going from short story to novella, which means a lot is getting expanded, several characters are getting more to do, and the stuff that was there needs significant re-writing too, so lots is changing, and it's been intimidating, but I think I'm slowly getting a grasp on it. So here's to finishing this story as soon as possible so I can share it with somebody, anybody!

Loki Season 2 Premiere Best Moments (Spoilers Obviously)

Loki season 2 is finally here! Well, the first episode. And it was spectacular. Best Moments:

• "I need a Loki Who Remains" from Mobius - this line will launch a thousand fanfics, mark my words
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• Did you kick each other through time doors simultaneously?
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• Mobius writing 'Skin?' was hilarious
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• and it coming back with plot relevance in the following scene was a great idea!
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• The wholesome dumbass working at McDonald's in the end. No thoughts head empty, would you like to try our new McNuggets?!
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• The split-timeline convo between OB/Mobius/Loki and the way it played out.
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• Hunter calling out the TVA for their atrocities and how they weren't as justified as they all thought. She's fully ready for the masquerade to come down. Gotta be hard to admit you did a bunch of fascist genocidal stuff for no reason, I understand why some of them are in full denial tbh.
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• OB literally writing the book on that.
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• Tom Hiddleston's being gloriously sexy in every frame he's in...

All in all there's so much potential for this season! I can't wait to see how it unfolds. I wish we got a tiny bit more Sylvie in this season premiere but you know what? I love a Loki/Mobius bromance episode. The show works best when they're playing a pair of buddy cops/agents.

Also Control by Remedy Studios is my favorite video game ever and the TVA always gives me FBC vibes. I love the retro-futurism of it all too. You guys watching Loki season 2, or are you lame?

Bella Dog

 The other day I posted some pics of our new puppies Henry & Luna, but back in October we lost our old dog Bella. She had an impacted/infected womb and it was going to rupture, she was so old and weak we were all afraid surgery would kill her anyway, and made the choice to put her down because her womb rupturing was inevitable and would be a very painful death. Instead she went to sleep very peacefully with us holding her, petting her, telling her how much we loved her.

We made sure Bella had a very good final day where we spoiled her with lots of love and treats. The truth is though that was every day, she was my best friend and we did everything together. I miss her every day, but I was looking through some of the pictures I took on her final day and seeing that even on that day she was happy and there was love and contentment in her eyes is everything to me.

I figured I would share a few photos I took that day of us together and her final walk. I look like a mess because I was having a full-on nervous breakdown on one of the worst days of my life, but that's to be expected. I have a lot more but these ones are the ones I wanted to share today:

I'll never stop loving or missing Bella, but I know our other dogs and relatives on the other side are watching out for each other and waiting for us to come home, and in the meantime I hold on to every happy and painful memory, and the ones like in these photos, that have a touch of both.

New Puppies! Meet Henry & Luna

 My parents and cousin decided it was a perfectly sane idea to surprise me with puppies the other day, so now we have two new little angels in our family! Meet Luna and her brother Henry!

Henry is playful and a little dumb, Luna is feisty and hyper. So far as names go I've been calling him Honeydog and her Lily-Luna. They're adorable and I would die for them. That said I cannot wait until they're a little bigger because they keep pissing on my floor.

I also might not survive this NaNoWriMo. I've written like almost 40k this month but none of it was on my NaNo novel. Well, 1k was, but that's a pittance. Right now this superhero romance is serving me better anyway.

How To Write Your Book in 8 Easy Steps

 How To Write Your Book in 8 Easy Steps (My Personal Method):

1) Download fifteen different new fonts. Try out every one of them. Don't forget to fool around with the color, too!

2) Design five different book covers. None of them looks like the one you're imagining in your head.

3) Drink five cups of coffee and watch Werewolf By Night on Disney+. You wish you had a werewolf boyfriend. You can't prove werewolves exist. Back to the drawing board.

4) Break the first two chapters in half and give them all new titles and ending hooks. Add a few extra lines of dialogue. Change the font color again.

5) Write a blurb for the story even though it's not fully finished.

6) Edit the last chapter you wrote and try to figure out who knows what and why they aren't saying it.

7) Actually manage to write 500 words. Wait, why is your coffee mug empty? The dog is crying, too, does the dog need to pee? Why do I agree to babysit people's dogs again?

8) Repeat all of the above in a manic state over the course of several days until the project is finished. Spend three hours in the bath brainstorming and when you get out you're so wrinkled your family doesn't recognize you and thinks there's a very old burglar in the house. Congrats, you're a writer!

Oh My Rapture by Gemma White Review: The Voice Poetry Needs

But I felt safe there painting orange teapots

outlining women in Texta with the mysterious green eyes

Some days I could even feel that my soul was still alive

Such a crappy small town 

FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD. Seriously though, I've read a lot of poetry today and a lot of it was really bad. This broke the mold and gave me a shot of something fresh; a unique, strong voice, a genuine personality and identity, a distinct artistic sensibility. This is an actual person and an actual artist with opinions and a personality who is not trying to be like everybody else or to be an airbrushed version of themselves, and that is so fucking refreshing these days.

The poems in this collection, and Gemma White's voice in general, were so enjoyable and refreshing for the same reason Ethel Cain's music and lyrics are: she provides a reality, a look at something true, not a glamourized ideal.

There is a genuineness and an honesty and a refusal to polish the truth or airbrush out every microscopic flaw here that feels just so bold and down to earth, so grounded, but also so manic and so insecure and uncertain. Yet also strong, risky, beautiful.

To be clear I don't have bipolar but I definitely have some kind of mood disorder and mental instability has and always will be a part of my life. I'm lucky because my manic episodes are not dangerous or half as embarrassing as other people experience: I've heard from people whose manic episodes lead them to truly endanger themselves, people who love their manic episodes and people who hate them. I usually enjoy mine, they tend to last anywhere from 2 to 3 days and I feel energized, slightly strung-out, but in a sharp, crystalline way. I feel like I'm in sync with myself and the universe and I burn up with creative energy and do a ton of random artsy stuff and make a mess, but when I come out of it the worst that's happened is I'm sleep-deprived, a little emotional, and the house is messy.

But for others obviously manic episodes, mood and personality disorders, etc, are more serious or more powerful. It takes a lot of character to develop this level of self-awareness of your mode of functioning and experiencing the universe, where you can feel both the shame and the joy, appreciate what sets you apart and your unique perspective, grasp that you have experiences others don't and you're allowed to revel in moments of joy and adrenaline, but also acknowledge that it's a weakness in many ways and can bring shame, danger, etc.

The musings on bipolar experiences here were incredible. But also White's refusal to mope or throw herself a pity party. And her jab at poets who do constantly throw themselves pity parties. Her willingness to poke fun at herself, celebrate herself, acknowledge shame and regret in the past while also knowing her worth and having a true sense of love and purpose for art and a knowledge that it's her purpose. These poems really, really resonated with me.

There is something

Sacred and healing

That happens when I write

When I paint

When I create songs

Maybe I am closer to God

Maybe the bad things can't find me here

Hi hello my head is bald. Gemma White has me by the scalp!

Is everything equally sacred and profane?

Her musings on topics most poets find taboo like sex, masturbation, bodily functions, etc, are so matter-of-fact but not vulgar or showing off, she's not being a douche about it, like "Look how cool I am! I talk about things other poets won't!" ironically, when she talks about stuff like masturbation, it's not masturbatory, she's not patting herself on the back here for breaking the mold, you can tell she just really doesn't care to censor herself and doesn't give a fuck. These are her poems, this is what it is, take it or leave it.

Oh my mystery, oh my darkness

oh my rapture, oh my music

I was absolutely enchanted by this collection. I cannot believe this writer isn't going absolutely breakout viral. I was actually blown away both by her obviously good taste but also by her skill and execution.

I would absolutely recommend giving this a chance for anybody who likes poetry or is curious about it. This is a modern voice, this is a poet with a fucking brain, some opinions, and some god damn taste. This is what we need right now.

Huge thanks to NetGalley for the chance to read this lovely art.

I don't want to be a good poet

I want to be a naughty one!

Exits by Stephen C. Pollock Poetry Collection Review

Absolutely beautiful. During the first poem I was worried I wouldn't like this, that maybe the author was the type of poet who just writes poems to hear the sound of his own voice, but then by the end of the poem when it took what I felt was a sympathetic turn towards the spider I figured there might be something here, and boy am I glad I stuck with it.

My favorite poems in the collection are: Leaves (for Shinayo Matsumoto) (which was a beautiful memorial poem), Zombie Fires, War Crimes (which disturbed me greatly), Ash (simple yet beautiful), Spine of Dorian Gray, and Oak.

The photos and art accompanying the poems was special too but truly the voice and sensibility on display here and the lens through which Pollock chooses his subjects, what values, fears, and musings seem worth writing about to him, is the true specialty. There is something immensely relatable and nostalgic, maybe comforting, about his voice even when I think the subject matter is disturbing or ugly, there's a sensibility and vocabulary choice there I find really understandable, relatable, and immediately familiar.

Glad I picked this up. Thanks to NetGalley.

A Throwback Quote

But for some reason it's not happening. The idea of writing just sounds so gross right now. I sit down to work and feel put-off and annoyed by it. I feel anxious and sort of depressed, which may be because I have anxiety and depression and am not on my medication right now, but may also not.

I don't know. I just need to have more confidence in myself. I need to sit down and just write and put everything out of my head, but I'm struggling with it.

-me, 2015

I was looking at my old old old blog from 2015 when I was back in high school and my pen name was still Oliver Urban. I cannot believe how much things change and how much they stay the same. I was struggling so much back then.

I'm not taking Prozac anymore, but depression and the cycles of it will always play a role in your writing if you have it. But I'm so happy to be in a creative bright spot now, where I am writing every day and having fun with it, writing what I want, how I want, not to prove anything to anybody, but because it lights up my soul, I enjoy it, it helps me feel healthier and I like manifesting and creating reality, although I think that might be an ego thing.

Either way I wanted to share this neat little tidbit because I thought it was funny and ironic. I'm doing so much better now but I definitely still feel this way sometimes. Right now it's all smooth sailing though.

I hope you all feel inspired with whatever you're creating! Also, remember back when I used to do author interviews? I might go into that again. I hate that I don't do it anymore and I figure it could be a fun time. I think it helps indie authors feel legit and have fun and it's part of the whole author dream people have, so it's always nice knowing I'm helping them have a chance to experience that and develop further confidence and an audience.

We'll see!

Shiny Outlines

 I outlined a new story last night, but I did it entirely on paper, which is curious for me. I am such a digital writer. I need a laptop or a computer or something, or I cannot get a novel done. A journal entry or a short story is fine to write on paper, and I like taking copious amounts of notes in journals and notebooks and a sketchbook or two, but I never have the urge to like write a novel entirely by hand. Who am I, Zoe Marriott? No, I am not, and that's probably a good thing because I could never pull off being a British person anyways.

The point is I was surprised how fun it was. I feel like this story is very pink/purple and so I used a bright pink pen and I outlined the entire first story out of a duology. I have vague ideas about what the sequel could be, but I'm not sure what the theme is so a lot of it is cloudy.

I may be saying too much, but it's either an engagement or a birthday party. But the first story is more of a seduction/trap so I'm worrying about that first.

I'm drafting it tonight but it's not as ambient because it was raining last night and I kept the window open for a bit and it was very nice. But I can write without the sound of rain. As long as I have a computer to do it on, seriously, I could not be a writer pre-80s or 90s and even then computers were so rough and ugly. I love modern tech. If I'm time traveling I'm brining my phone and tablet with me and if the locals think I'm a fabulous magician with amazing eyebrows and light-up paper, so be it. It's an amazing and totally awesome burden I'll just have to accept with grace and humility, because that's how powerful I am.

I'm even powerful enough to drink this cold coffee instead of reheating it. That's definitely not because I'm too lazy to walk to the kitchen. And now I'll go continue writing books people will hopefully read instead of ridiculous rambly blogs they definitely won't!

PS, the entire album Who I Am by Tasha Angela is amazing. Spotify kept recommending it so I checked it out and Who I Am, Uphill Battle, and The One are fantastic. I didn't love Chloe's new album BUT Cheatback is one of the best songs I've heard in years and she should definitely go country, 100% I think I like her pop music better when she's working as a team with Halle though, for sure.

I also am slowly making my way through Andrew Bird's discography and the song Sifters made me cry like a bitch the other day.

Also when I finish Rescue and share the book playlist it's gonna knock your guys's socks off, mark my words.

PSS, my new Amanda Hocking books (they're actually the old 2010 self-published editions with the turquoise covers) got here, but it's just the first two and I'm still waiting on Ascend. Once all three are reunited I'm gonna post some pics. Torn is a little worn but Switched is high quality as fuck, and the covers look so pretty in person!

A little sneak-peek...

Here's a neat little peek at what I'm currently writing. It's paranormal romance/urban fantasy with a really cool cast of characters and a lot of fun elements and a beautiful cover and a protagonist named Minerva/Mindy who I really love. Mindy is a down-to-earth meta, sassy kind of girl, but not mean sassy, very good-natured sassy. It's fun.

Quote:

“I’m sorry,” I said simply, fumbling for words. It was all I could come up with.

“So am I,” he whispered.

He stepped closer, his gaze deepening. “I never meant to hurt you, Min. You know how much you mean to me.”

Butterflies rose in my stomach, comforting old friends that reminded me of the excitement of falling for him the first time. Not much had changed, truth be told. I was as much his as I’d ever been.

“You know I’ll always love you, no matter what happens,” I assured him, gravitating toward him. The inches between us were rapidly shrinking. “Right?”

His eyelids shuttered as the folds of our clothes brushed, tantalizingly close. “I know,” he stuttered. “I know, Min.”

The sound of footsteps drew our attention. Court was coming through the dark dining room, Capri following right behind her. She flipped on the overhead lights, flooding the dining room with light, and by the time they reached the lobby Hugh had fled out the front door, up to his room. He’d retreated again, and I probably wouldn’t see him for the rest of the night. I sighed in defeat. At least it felt like we’d made some progress.

This is a scene between Mindy and her ex Hugh. A little sliver of it at least. I'm currently at 7k words and I think it will be two or three more chapters. At least. I'm calling it Rescue. Or Crossroads. But probably Rescue. The motel it's set at is named the Crossroads Motel, though.

I'll also write a chapter of Lovely Omens today once I'm done this, but I do have to finish this first or I'll break my really good stride. I love when inspiration strikes.

Literally nobody is reading these blogs because I'm not cross-posting about them on other social media. I'm kind of enjoying writing in a vacuum. I'll just start sharing these blogs later this month once I'm ready to focus energy on that kind of stuff. It doesn't ultimately matter, just the writing matters. The fact is I just like documenting it for my own sake and memories.

But this novella is neat af, and future me will be grateful I shared this. Also, not to future self: Scott probably deserves his own spin-off.

I Am A Total Liar (Here's Why) + NaNoWriMo!

 I wrote a blog post the other day where I totally just lied. I THINK I said my NaNoWriMo project this year was probably gonna be a dark contemporary. Or at least I said I was working on one. And it was gonna be my NaNo novel. That book about wildfires/grief is still in the works, but I'm not working on it this month. I'm gonna write a good old paranormal romance for NaNoWriMo instead.

It's called Lovely Omens and it's about witches and that's all I'm gonna say. It also has lots of cute animals. But that's it.

I think some of the ideas and vibes and stuff I'm putting into this book are ideas I've had in some form since 2013, so it's been a decade of wanting to write a witchy romance just like this. I have written witchy romance before, Shadows of Ourselves, anyone? And I will do it again. But this one is unique as fuck, if I do say so myself.

So. That's my NaNo vibe.

The playlist is mostly Smashing Pumpkins, Blur, The Pixies, My Bloody Valentine, etc. The more of this classic stuff I find the more Spotify wants to rec it to me. I like Blur and I've loved every Pixies song I've heard over the years, but both Smashing Pumpkins and My Bloody Valentine are 'classic' or semi-classic bands I've never listened to. I missed those pivotal phases. So I'm going through it now, and loving it. I think Smashing Pumpkin's will be Ophelia's favorite band.

I'm also putting a little Joy Division in there. And the new Melanie Martinez album is iconic, of course. But I'm gonna continue prepping and drinking and getting ready to write! Once midnight comes I gotta get in at least the first few chapters. I know exactly what scenes I want to open the novel with but I don't know fully how to pull it off.

I hope people like this romance. The guy, Gage (his original name was Gunnar, but I think Gage fits him MUCH, MUCH BETTER) is so cute and tragic but so nice, he has a bit of a mysterious broody punk vibe, but he's mostly a good, normal man, not a crazy villain type. Maybe my next love interest will be villainous.

Anyway I ordered something the other day I cannot wait for. It's shipping in two packages and Canada Post says the main one with two books in it will be here April 5th. It's Switched, Torn, and Ascend by Amanda Hocking; the Trylle trilogy. I already have them, because Amanda Hocking is one of my favorite authors ever, and I've read them a billion times already. I have all three troll trilogies, I have two copies of Switched and a paperback arc of Crystal Kingdom. I got Tidal for free back when it came out for doing free publicity for it.

I've always loved Amanda's books, is my point. She's how I learned about self-publishing and I read her books and blog a thousand times throughout middle school and high school.

So it's exciting to me that I can finally own the original self-published paperbacks of the trylle trilogy, the ones with the turquoise/teal covers. I love them so much. It's one of my favorite covers. And I've seen them in pics and videos but never in person. Believe it when they get here I will take a bajillion pictures of them and post them everywhere.

After this the main thing I need to complete my Hocking collection is:

-The original Hollowland paperback edition with the red heart (I don't care about this one but it would be a nice thing to have one day.)

-The Hollows paperback editions with the old designs/Phatpuppy art designs. (I find these fugly but I still want them for nostalgia's sake.)

-The special edition omnibus of the Trylle that only had 100 copies made. (I really, really want this one enough to go feral and bite someone for it.)

I also still have to get Bestow The Darkness (an actual masterpiece) and Virtue/Tristitia in paperback, too. Then I'd have a complete collection and would feel like a total boss.

I'm so looking forward to seeing the difference between the self-pubbed and traditionally published versions of the Trylle trilogy, though. I know in these earlier editions Forening didn't have a name, so I'm curious what other little details were added later. I'm sure either way they're still good, though I'm also equally sure the trad-pubbed ones are probably better.

Anyway, I should get back to outlining my book. Because I haven't finished that, yet.

Also! Before I go, if you don't know, I often (not always, but often) use Katytastic's outline template/structure. It's three acts, each in nine parts, and it has never failed to create a very fun novel for me. You can use it for any genre and it never feels like a template because it's just basic story structure stuff. Like I said, I don't always use it, but I do like it a lot, I used it for Shadows of Ourselves, if I remember correctly, and I'm using it for this book too. I highly recommend it if pacing or plot isn't your strong suit.

Noodles, Red Bull, & Camp Nano Prep

 I was supposed to reformat Digital Demon and do some research/studying last night (according to me, myself, and I) but I cancelled my own plans and spent the night writing instead. I semi-outlined my Camp NaNoWriMo project, which looks like it's going to be a dark contemporary about grief, trauma, and forest fires/wildfires. And then there's also the short story/novella project I wrote half of last night that I cannot even begin to describe.

Or I guess I can describe it by saying it's Zelda: Twilight Princess vibes with a dash of Jim Henson type goodness thrown in? And maybe a sort of multiverse twist, which isn't so much of a twist because multiverses and many-worlds stuff is popular in the mainstream right now. Or maybe not, depending on how Marvel's multiverse movies are getting responded to. But that's not people hating the multiverse; it seems like the multiverse stuff in Dr. Strange was most of what people liked about it, aside from Wanda stans being Wanda stans. The truth is people just want it executed in a certain way.

All I know is I'm 6k words in and this story is cray-cray. I have a title for the Camp Nano novel but I'm not sharing it, and I only have a working title for the fantasy novella right now. But I have to go keep writing that.

I'm drinking Red Bull and listening to Crumbs by Rebecca Black, and I will probably spend the entire night on this. I'm 100% okay with that, though. It has an evil talking sword and lizard people! Did I mention the lizard people?!

Yeah, I'm #TeamReptoid all the way. Abduct me, aliens!

At some point tonight when this Red Bull has fueled a couple thousand words and I have scrounged up some beef Mr. Noodles I will post another blog, because for some reason I'm back on my blogging kick. Literally nobody uses or reads Blogger anymore as far as I know, except maybe for porn, but then, humans will use anything for porn, so I guess that's not new.

And maybe, MAYBE, if things go well, I will be able to post a quote from one of these WIPS later.

In The Trees, The Air, Everywhere But Here

 I'm still committed to bringing this blog back to life. Today at some point I want to edit and reformat some of my book pages with updated information and stuff, but for right now I figured a new post would be much better than nothing. Being an author is weird; I really don't like doing admin stuff but if I don't I feel weirdly restless and frustrated, so, there's gotta be a balance to be struck there.

I've been watching The Orville and while I can understand why season one got some harsh reviews (some of the jokes go on too long or feel too pointless, some of the worldbuilding details are too unspecified and unexplored) but for the most part I love it. The episodes with Liam Neeson (just a cameo) and Charlize Theron (carried her entire episode) were fantastic. Pria was an amazing character, it looks from TV Tropes like the fans wanted her to return but she never did, I figured throughout the entire episode it felt almost like a backdoor pilot for a spinoff she could carry.

I would love to work on a space union crew exploring the galaxy, having adventures, sure (who wouldn't, right, it feels redundant to even say so) BUT I know I would have bad luck and would be stuck wearing a color I don't like. Like, the green jackets on the Orville look amazing. And that one general in a purple jacket? Stunning. But the red and blue look a little patchy and cheap to me. And I'd never wear the yellow ones, I'd mutiny if I had to.

I made a playlist the other day for Atrocity, the sequel to Divinity, and I'm excited to start working on that. I do have a couple other projects I'm going to finish first, including a round of edits on Divinity. I don't know when the new edition will be out, since I've only edited half of chapter one, but it's already so much cleaner and more professional than it was.

I don't think the book was bad before by any means, but it's amazing I figured it was publishable with so many clunky sentences and fragments and weird phrasings. I am having a lot of fun giving it more professional shine. My writing and tastes have levelled up since I published this book back in 2017, but then again the entire world has changed so drastically since then that kind of figures. A plague and a war and a bunch of other stuff happened. Is happening. That's the crazy thing; it feels like it's in the past but we're all still living it, it's just become the daily reality so we barely second-guess it. It's hard to fathom totally.

This morning I made a list of author things I have to do today. Most of them revolve around Digital Demon (which is still available on Wattpad here!) and formatting the ebook for it. I have to spruce up my personal template and watch a couple of tutorials on ebook formatting.

I see such a big difference in quality between my formatting and the stuff in other ebooks so obviously the goal is to bridge that gap. Figure out how to add illustrations/images for my chapter breaks so I can include exclusive art, figure out how to space and format the margins better so it doesn't look as compacted or jarring on-screen, that sort of thing. They're fine details I'm sure a lot of readers don't pay much attention to, but they add up quickly.

My dream is to afford Vellum, but that's very expensive software, at least when you're broke, which I am. It sure looks intuitive and fun, though. Intuitive software suits me best, anything that looks ugly or too complex for no reason is instantly off-putting, but if something is designed with a very nice intuitive layout and I can learn it by using it instead of watching a billion tutorials, then we're rolling. Vellum seems like one of those programs. Design and user experience need to be focused on as much as function when you're trying to create a tool for mass-use.

Anyway, that's what I'm focusing on today; making Digital Demon more available in more forms to more people. And I figure part of that is singing its praises, so I might have another post about it later, because I want more people to read it, because it took a long time and I think it's good.

I put off editing that story for so long but I like the way it turned out a lot, so maybe that's a sign I should stop listening to my writer's block so much and just trust my own voice, right?

I watched Kiki's Delivery Service for the 30th time today and I cried again, multiple times. It just gets me like that. It's a quiet movie but so relatable. Kiki losing the ability to understand Gigi leaves me sobbing every time.

When Kiki says to Osono "I'm still a witch in training, so if I can't do magic I've lost everything!" it hits so hard because I've totally been there, as have most people: when you rest your entire identity and personhood and purpose of existence on one thing, and then it's taken from you? That rocks you to your core and can truly be such a hollowing and shocking experience you really feel like all is lost, all hope has fled.

For me that was placing my entire identity and personhood on being an artist, an author, and then when I got writer's block and stopped writing for years it basically gave me a nervous breakdown. I had no clue who I was or what worth I had without writing and being successful at it, and I felt like I'd failed utterly on every level. So I had to relearn who I was and develop my sense of identity and worth in other ways. But writing again definitely still feels like flying again, especially when I get into the all-encompassing flow state where you're flying by the seat of your pants, or I guess by how fast you can type, and you know nothing can ever slow you down or touch you. That fire. That's magic.

I'm gonna go try to write something and cook up some magic, but then once I get my daily words in, it's time for formatting and watching tutorials and the likes.

Oh, and Digital Demon is good and you should read it. It only has like 26 reads as of this writing compared to Shadows of Ourselves which has 80 thousand, so obviously that's a pretty big discrepancy. Of course Shadows is a much longer and much better book than Digital Demon, but I still want Demon to have its moment! So please check that out here.

Or keep an eye on this space for free epub/pdf downloads to appear later!

Life, Signs, Reasons, Snow & Fresh Starts

 I somehow didn't post for an entire year. It was probably for a million reasons. I had big plans, but most of them fell through. I didn't have anything to talk about, or so much I wanted to talk about I got anxious and psyched myself out of it. I had a billion dumb thoughts that I posted to Instagram stories instead of blogging about. People and animals died. Life lost its meaning for a while, and I lost the threads.

Lately I've been reminiscing about how much I used to blog. I really loved it. It didn't matter how many or how few people read it; a blog post could get two views and I was still getting joy out of it. I still love reading old blog posts from years ago.

I am writing. In little bursts here and there. And I did publish a novella a while back, called Digital Demon. Which you can read on Wattpad, right here!

The basic premise is that a demon comes out of a guy's computer and tries to eat him.

It took me two years to get around to editing that story; I wrote it in November or December 2020. I cannot believe it took me so long to stop procrastinating and obsessing over it and just force myself to edit it. But editing it took it from like 6k to around 12k words or higher. I don't remember the final wordcount, but it went from short story to novella and got a couple new scenes that got me really excited about the story again. In the end it only took a few days to edit it, I just wish it hadn't taken two years to get around to those two days, but such is clinical depression and lots of grief from lots of death.

Basically I have a lot going on right now writing-wise and I don't want to talk about any of it in great detail and jinx myself. But what I can talk about is that I'm downloading Final Fantasy 7 Remake to replay it, but it's making my internet slow as hell.

And I can tell you that I'm watching Troy: Fall of A City. It's been pretty corny so far but the main actor playing Paris/Alexander is hot, so I'll keep watching. The sets are nice too. The costumes feel weird, like they should have had some of the actors/characters switch wardrobes honestly. And I don't know if the actress playing Helen of Troy is serving what she needs to, she seems kind of alien. Either way I'm gonna continue with it.

But first I'm gonna grab some snacks and figure out what project I want to work on next. I'm gonna watch some Community and do some sketching while I do that, though.