More, More, More

I feel like I start too many of my blogs with disclaimers, but here goes another: this isn't an *actual* blog post.

It's just that in 2014 I only posted eight blogs, and I want to post way more this year, because I hate the idea of this blog going back to the old, empty, sad husk it used to be. In 2015 I made well over a 100 posts and I want to continue in that vein.

This will be the eighth post I've made this year, meaning I've officially equaled out with my 2014 self, and after I write my next post, I'll be ahead. I can't believe I'm so petty I compete with myself, too, but here we are.

Since I have nothing of interest to say here, I'll leave you with this:

I made two quote posts for Dreamseeker for social media, and I haven't shared them here yet, which is crazy, since I love them so much:

Also, Shadows of Ourselves is free for the next two days! You can get it here.

This post is a cop-out

I don't have a real post to share with you guys tonight. It's 5 in the morning and I have to leave the house in a few hours to pick up Kuma, which means that once we get back I won't really have time to write again today, meaning I have to draft at least 3000 words in 2 hours after I finish posting this blog, if I want to stay on schedule with this short story, which is set in a hotel and has monsters and a hot rock star boy.

I just felt bad not posting here, since I want to be more active on this blog. I don't think many people read it, either because I post at odd times, I'm bad at tagging/sharing things, and because author blogs are everywhere and I'm hardly famous, or even have a halfway decent following - but that will probably change if I'm more active and persistent, so, here we are.

I also just like looking back at all my blog posts and feeling productive, knowing I have those memories no matter what, and also knowing that there's something for people to read while waiting for books or if they want information on the process a specific book went through during its writing.

My birthday is in a few days, on the 22nd, and since I'll probably spend the day right here at my desk, alone, working, and may not even notice the date other than a cursory "Ha, I'm old now" (I'm turning 21 so I'm lying to myself, but still) Kuma figured they'd come out and celebrate with me now, while we have the chance.

My 20th birthday was miserable - I spent most of it sitting in the same place/position I'm in now, except instead of blogging or writing, I cried over my finances, got high and watched broad city, called the bank and SOBBED over my finances, then ate some bad pizza and watched more Broad City. If that sounds like a miserable twentieth birthday, it was, both because I was going through so much financial stress and also because I was snowed in so I couldn't go anywhere and it honestly felt like winter would never be over, and isn't March supposed to be in the spring?

I had to call the bank lady and she noticed my account listed my birthday as that day, and kept asking me questions about my plans, which made me both depressed and embarrassed because I didn't have any, wasn't doing anything or hanging out with anybody, and only 3 people remembered it was my birthday anyway, so after lying through my teeth and hanging up the phone I sat there and cried for like 20 minutes, and then got stoned. This year I'm pretty sure I'm even worse-off financially than I was then and for some reason I'm unphased by it now?

Maybe I just don't have the energy, or maybe over the past year I've just stopped worrying about my money troubles as much. I think it's a bit of both. In full disclosure I've made like 14 dollars off of my books in the last 90 days, according to kdp, which is really mortifying to admit, but also not, because I know it isn't a reflection of the quality of my work.

My books are good. They're entertaining. I'm writing the same stuff popular authors like Laini Taylor and A.G. Howard are writing, with more diverse characters and some really pretty covers that I know for a fact stand up to the covers of traditionally published books and are, in some cases, even better looking than those. But I also know I have zero marketing budget, not to mention that I am the only person marketing my books, with no outside help, and I know that there are so many books being published right now it's hard to find a number to describe them all. Many people only read one book a year - that's a lot of competition.

If I had to choose one thing about my books I'd like to improve, it would be the formatting. I'm not even sure how it displays on other devices - I know it looks fine on mine, or as fine as I can make it, but who knows?

If I ever take off and start making real money I'm going to buy a Macbook so I can get Vellum and make them pretty, with chapter heading illustrations and stuff like that, which I can't do alone using Kingsoft Writer and Calibre, which are my formatting tools.

So yeah, that's that. Things are looking up (slightly) emotionally but looking down financially, and I want that to change.

I don't want to get rich off of my books. For the next few years I just want to earn enough to buy a new laptop, buy Grammerly, get some new headphones, and maybe a new desk. Just spending money that I can put back into my books and career, you know? Within ten years I do want to be living entirely off my books though, and considering how fast I can write them once I get down to it, I don't think that's so unrealistic.

So, we'll see. First I have to survive this birthday, and everything else will follow from there, right?

Anyway, I'm going to go and draft this short story, pick up my best friend, and then scream my way through another episode of Riverdale, which I will officially boycott if they don't give me AroAce Jughead and more Cheryl-centric episodes, because we all know Cheryl is the show's saving grace/

The Everlasting Weirdness of Self-Promo

I'm blogging two days in a row. Surprised? If not, you're probably new here...

I planned to do some promotional blogs for Dreamseeker this week, since, in case you didn't know, I just put out a new edition complete with a beautiful new cover:

Are you not in love with that?

Only when I sat down to write it, I remembered I hate self-promotion and decided to get out of my responsibilities by talking about how much I loathe them, instead.

I have an anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder, and it's always made it hard for me to socialize. As a kid people thought I was really bossy and assertive, but as I got older that reckless, impulsive behavior become more dangerous and problematic, turning self-destructive, and it only got harder and harder for me to make friends among my peers or communicate with people in general.

When I'm talking to people outside my closest friends and family, I'm usually playing a character. I wake up for the day and, if it's a normal day where I get to stay home and sit around in my underwear writing, doing photo-manipulation, and burning chicken nuggets, then I'm my regular nerdy self. I don't filter, and I manage to do that mostly by just keeping silent. But if I have to go out and be in public, I put on a character or a mask.* I know everyone does this to some extent, but with me it's gotten to the point where it's like I'm shrugging armor on and off for battle, and as much as I hate it I know it will probably always be that way. Letting people in and making personal connections is something I want, but at the same time it's probably the thing I spend the most time in life avoiding.

(*I'm not like some kind of emotionally manipulative mastermind or master actor out here pulling multiple personalities out of a hat every day for the performance of my life or anything, so that sounds bad, but I switch between different personas based on who I'm with or where I'm at; my go-to is the sassy, flamboyant, funny gay friend, even though I'm way more low-key and introspective than that, because it serves the double purpose of matching what most people perceive me as (a funny, unserious, fairly confident cis male who can always make you laugh) and because if I'm busy being the funny gay sidekick who just cracks jokes, the laughter keeps people at arms-distance, emotionally, and things can't get serious and painful and I won't get invested or hurt, so everybody wins.

Over the past few years another direction that's emerged is the friendly, approachable local indie author hipster, which is where I go when I'm talking to someone about books or when I'm talking to people who are a lot older than me. It's my best public face, essentially. Sometimes it's the place I speak from when I'm writing these blogs. But not this particular post, obviously, since I'm in my underwear at 2 am drinking coffee and listening to Last Dinosaurs, and can't be bothered.

Yet another is more quiet, slightly bitchy, independent loner persona that I take on when I'm, say, on a night out with friends or in a situation where I need to feel stronger and more confident than I actually am. I think this one is closest to my actual identity/personality, but it's also probably the most anti-social, as well, so that's not great.

Basically the gist of it is that I feel very inadequate in social situations, so it's easier for me to slip into a 'character' either to handle things differently or just to keep the people around me emotionally distant for me own well-being, and theirs, because I'm pretty sure I'm cursed. I don't know if this is a symptom of my bpd or just part of my personality, or both. I do know that most people switch moods/actions/thought patterns when they're in different situations and with different people, because it is human nature, but I also know it's worse for me because of my mental illness.)

Which means self-promotion is pretty much torture for me. If I'm able to accomplish something, it's immediately knocked down a peg in my mind, because I suck, so if I can do it, how cool is it, really?

Before I was writing, books were these magical things, and authors were rock stars. When I finished my book and kept finishing others, I was like "Wait, is this it?" People tell me how impressive it is that I write books and I shrug and and don't care because I honestly don't think anything I do is impressive.

Self-promo kind of only works if you can really sell your book and how awesome it is. I get through it sometimes mostly just because of the enthusiasm I have for my work - but even Shadows, the best book I have or may ever write, got fucked over on publicity because I was going through a poor mental health phase when I put it out. That's why I'm not publishing books until the whole series is done, anymore; I just can't cope with the feeling of stage fright when people are waiting for books or the reader's voice is in my ear.

The point of all this downer shit is that putting myself or my work out there is a daily challenge for me, which is why often this blog is inactive; if I'm not in a black well of depression, I'm usually just not motivated to talk about myself or my work, because outside of the obvious factors of nerdiness and pop culture being awesome, I don't know if or why anybody would even care. So.

Actually, that's a lie. The point of this is that I hate self-promo so much I'd rather publicly air-out all my personal demons and embarrassing secrets than do that. So this is me procrastinating in the form of over-sharing while also talking down about something I hate.

Being an indie author is 99% stress, and for me most of it comes from the promo. Also formatting, but we're not going to talk about formatting right now, because if I bring it up for too long I start screaming, tearing at my hair, and climbing buildings to swat at planes like King Kong himself.

I can't talk to bloggers because it's excruciating trying to push my own books, which are not famous or widely-read or even have that many reviews, either positive or negative, because I feel like I look like one of those people parked on the side of a dirt road in their minivan, selling 'fresh' seafood and oysters out of the trucks of their vehicles. Except, it's worse, because you can't even eat my books.

Note To Self: Invest in chocolate books.

I don't know what it is, since when I was a blogger myself I loved all free books and I also loved approaching publishers despite my anxiety, because I thought the arcs were worth the mortification of sending letters asking for them. I also know I have books on the Kindle app on my phone right now that are self-pubbed by unknown authors and have few if any reviews, and I'm still so excited to read them it hurts my brain.

And that's what it boils down to: even when things AREN'T mortifying and they're really just everyday, normal, no-big-deal communications with other people, my brain freaks out for no reason and starts blaring sirens at me, and I'm smart enough to call its bullshit but not smart enough to figure out how to override the system, and the panic causes me to lash out and act recklessly, without thinking. It's probably why I cope with unhealthy amounts of weed and caffeine.

Anyway the long and short of it is, Dreamseeker is out, I can't do it dirty by not promoting it enough, and since I can't let this series flop because I am literally poor and scared about things like not having enough money to pay my bills or eat, you will all have to watch me shoot myself in the foot trying to get word about this ebook out there. Sorry in advance.

I'll probably be posting a self-interview centered around the book sometime tonight (if James Franco can interview himself, so can I, bite me) and more posts about it and the writing process this week/month! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write a promotional short story :)

Why This Blog Died

This blog is mostly dead because I use Twitter more. If you want to keep up with me, I post multiple times a day on Twitter, whereas I post once or twice a month here, at the moment - and that's if I'm lucky. If I've written enough for my actual books for the month and my mental illness isn't battering at the doors to my mind and the stars align in the right formations and all that good stuff.

I do plan to blog more in the future. I don't know that it gets the word out or sells more books, but it's fun, it helps me collect my thoughts, and it makes me feel more...author-y? Authorial? There we go.

Right now I'm working on several standalone books and novellas, then I'll be finishing a novella trilogy before finishing up the Deadheart Duology, and after that I'll be setting out to finish the series I've already started. Obviously that's a lot on my plate, so it's understandable why I don't always have the time/energy to blog.

I'm honestly only doing it right now because I feel guilty at the state of this blog, and because I'm trying to procrastinate starting my wip.

In that vein, although I can't really say much other than that it's a novella called Ironheart, what I can tell you is that it's super fun and cute and that all of the chapters are named after different minerals and gems and types of metal. Mostly because I just got a book on all that stuff with glossy pages and cool pictures, and I love using neat chapter names and framing devices like that. It plays into the storyline, too, in the sense that my heroine does metal magik.

This is set in the world of my book Shadows of Ourselves (though the two stories aren't connected at all) and if you haven't yet, you should check that out!

Storm of Masks is Out!

Happy new year! I'm pretty psyched about the upcoming year. I have a lot of releases planned for 2017, and I can't even tell which project I'm most excited for. But I can say I'm super hyped that Storm of Masks is finally out.

When I decided to write more material for this book and release it, I had no idea how it would change the world/lore/characters, but revisiting it with a new eye and a general outline of where I wanted the sequel to go - SoM was originally written with it being a standalone in mind - I was able to see things with a new point of view and ended up writing a lot more new material than I'd expected.

That said, I'm not complaining. I can't wait to write book two, Riot of Souls. But first I'm working on the spin-off standalone, Inheritance of Corpses...

(yum, right?)

I'm drafting a light paranormal romance set in the Menagerie World, Downpour (the 3rd book in the Unbroken Anthology Series and the first full-length novel in the series, so far!) back to back with this, and they're the two funnest projects I've worked on in years!

Today I'll be buying cat food & litter and then coming home to work on finishing up the outlines on these and starting to draft Downpour, so nothing too exciting... I will be getting out a lot more this year, though, and posting a lot more on my Instagram

In lieu of something more interesting to talk about in this blog post I'll leave you all with this aesthetic board I made for Downpour!

Storm of Masks Cover Revamp & New Edition

I've been neglecting this blog again. I know, who's surprised?

It's hard motivating myself to work, so when I do I tend to spend my words on my manuscripts instead of the blog these days. I did post about this on Twitter & Instagram, though! I figured I should share it here while I was at it, since work is flying by.

I'm publishing a new edition of Storm of Masks really soon, with several additional scenes, a new chapter, and a newly added epilogue & prologue. The new edition will also contain my novella Dreamseeker as a free bonus!

So, why a new edition? Basically, I originally envisioned Storm of Masks as a standalone novel, but the characters weren't done with me - or each other - and the idea for the sequel kept spinning out of control in my head until I couldn't ignore it. Now that Storm of Masks is the first book in a duology, I thought it needed a few minor tweaks and prods in a right direction.

Since I'm a total cheater, I decided that while I'm at it I may as well add some new material and explore things I didn't have time to in the original edition. Those new elements will also come into play in book 2, Riot of Souls.

Jen herself and a few minor characters get a more of the spotlight in the edition, which I feel like they definitely deserve, and there's a bit more spook factor, which I feel like we all definitely deserve.

And, just because I'm me, I shoved a few more pop culture references and a tad more gay stuff in there. :) And, you know, way more ghosts...

I also felt that, since I know the world in and out now, and in a more concrete way than I did the first time around, I could tighten some of the world building and fantastical aspects and harness them better.

I think the finished product is something pretty special, and I'm really excited to share it.

I've had a tough go of things lately, and my mental health really took a hit for a while - to the point where I almost, almost, seriously considered quitting writing & publishing altogether. It turns out I had to walk away from my work for a while and allow myself to just exist so I could work through some leftover stress I'd been putting off dealing with. After a few days away from the keyboard, my brain fog started to clear. I'm in a better place now and the writing bug has taken back its home in my brain, so for the foreseeable future I might manage not to be a total mess for once? Yes, this is as shocking a development for me as it is for y'all.

Anyway, while I leave you to drool over this cover, which really suits the book better than the original, I'm gonna hop back on putting the final touches on the book!

Final release date to come!

Your Existential Dread Is Showing

I feel like I spend too much time poking at my own wounds, making them worse, instead of doing things I know I need to in order to improve. I waste hours, days, months, beating myself up for shit as opposed to actually working to do better. I don't really have a point with this, I'm not going anywhere special with it, it's just that it's hard to work as a writer when you aren't earning much income at all and people aren't really finding or reading your work and you're drowning in an ocean of mental illness.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there with problems, so I hate complaining and I usually just bottle all my shit up until it overflows and ruins my life, usually in the form of doing something really self-destructive or starting a fight with someone I care about.

Actually, a lot of my personal relationships and friendships have deteriorated over the past two years. That's probably my fault for continuously isolating myself and distancing myself from people. The thing is, it feels like I should constantly be working, so there isn't time for a social life, and at the same time I feel convinced these people are better off not knowing me so I withhold my presence and emotional involvement with them and end up burning bridges. It's probably definitely not healthy, but it is what it is.

Basically what it means is that I have very few friends left and I'm unhealthily obsessed with my work, namely the fact that I can't stop not doing it and procrastinating or going on like twenty hour work sessions where I lose track of time and nearly kill myself.

Earlier this year I got into a car crash, and the day after I was attacked by a dog. My anxiety has been getting worse and worse, and it only increased when I started to fear physical danger and have intrusive thoughts more and more often after these experiences. I stopped leaving the house much, or at all, going for weeks and weeks at a time without going farther than my own back yard. I've spent days on end in bed, staring at a wall or drifting in and out of sleep. I'm basically a depressed collection of aches and pains, depressive tendencies, and pop culture trivia, blaming myself for every problem in the world while tweeting obsessively about American Horror Story. And I beat myself up for that too.

It's crazy to me, because so many people in this community are open to talking about their mental illness and how it affects their work, and I really only talk about mine when I'm mocking myself and turning the situation into a joke.

If I do let out a cry for help or let on how bad things are, I either delete it hours later or it just goes ignored, and instead of trying to fix the issues I stew in them, alone. I feel like it's not healthy that I haven't acknowledged how much I'm struggling, but the fact is there's a lot of pressure on me from every person and direction in my life, and I've already let so many people down that the thought of disappointing them even more by focusing on how much I'm struggling instead of trying to advance my career actually makes me wanna bury my head in the sand. Yeah.

A large part of it is that I have no routine and no healthy habits. I exist primarily on a diet of frozen foods, pot, and black coffee (fairly sure I have stomach ulcers or something but am I cutting down on coffee? Nahhhhh) and I have a totally irregular sleep cycle. It's normal for me to spend five hours online, pass out and sleep for like twelve hours, then wake up and spend the entire day on the internet again.

To put things in perspective, I've got six series on the go right now as well as countless standalone titles and things I haven't announced yet, I'm dealing with anxiety, depression, paranoia and self-destructive tendencies largely alone with no support system, I'm poor as hell and my career isn't where I feel it should be, and I compensate for the insane amount of responsibility I'm carrying on my shoulders...how? By bottling up all my emotions, blocking people out, and refusing to deal with anything or acknowledge the hand I've been dealt in life. Of course.

Has anyone found out why this generation is so unhealthy yet? I'd really like to know what's in the water that we're all anxious depressive fuckheads like this, but as of yet I have like zero solid leads. Is it internet porn? Copious drug use? Doomsday fears? Radioactive tap water? Cell signals rotting our brains?

I. Don't. Know.

What I do know is that I need to work on blaming myself less. There's this line from episode 3 or 4 of the Shannara Chronicles that I've been thinking about for days now, where someone tells one of the main characters something alone the lines of, "All of this isn't happening because of you. It's happening to you. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be."

So every day I've been trying to remind myself that all of this-all the pain and trauma and bullshit-is happening to me, and it isn't my fault.

I didn't ask to be born. I don't know why I was or why any of us are here. I don't know what comes when we die or if there even is anything after we die. And that's not a personal failing. It's an abjectly horrifying fact that we all, in some way, have to deal with. And I have not been dealing. I've been sweeping my problems under the rug and hoping they go away. It isn't working.

I don't know how many times I can do the same thing and expect different results. So this is me doing something entirely new and actually talking about the fact that I've got problems and issues and that most days I end up crying before six in the evening, and hoping that looking my demons in their glowing red and yellow eyes makes it a little easier to carry them on my shoulders all day.

I'm gonna drink some water and try to do physical activities and interact with other human beings for once. I'm gonna not keep convincing myself that I'm literally the devil and some unseen force who governs all our fates is condemning my soul or whatever, like some cosmic elf on the shelf shaking its head and smacking its gum at me from beyond the veil. I'm going to stop purposely looking for marks against myself to write on my karmic scoreboard and just let myself float.

At the end of the day we're all sad, confused, bitter little children running around on this rock crying out for whoever left us here. I'd like to think that I'm hardly responsible or even capable of being responsible for every bad thing that happens in the world, so I better start acting like it.