The Everlasting Weirdness of Self-Promo
I'm blogging two days in a row. Surprised? If not, you're probably new here...
I planned to do some promotional blogs for Dreamseeker this week, since, in case you didn't know, I just put out a new edition complete with a beautiful new cover:
Are you not in love with that?
Only when I sat down to write it, I remembered I hate self-promotion and decided to get out of my responsibilities by talking about how much I loathe them, instead.
I have an anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder, and it's always made it hard for me to socialize. As a kid people thought I was really bossy and assertive, but as I got older that reckless, impulsive behavior become more dangerous and problematic, turning self-destructive, and it only got harder and harder for me to make friends among my peers or communicate with people in general.
When I'm talking to people outside my closest friends and family, I'm usually playing a character. I wake up for the day and, if it's a normal day where I get to stay home and sit around in my underwear writing, doing photo-manipulation, and burning chicken nuggets, then I'm my regular nerdy self. I don't filter, and I manage to do that mostly by just keeping silent. But if I have to go out and be in public, I put on a character or a mask.* I know everyone does this to some extent, but with me it's gotten to the point where it's like I'm shrugging armor on and off for battle, and as much as I hate it I know it will probably always be that way. Letting people in and making personal connections is something I want, but at the same time it's probably the thing I spend the most time in life avoiding.
(*I'm not like some kind of emotionally manipulative mastermind or master actor out here pulling multiple personalities out of a hat every day for the performance of my life or anything, so that sounds bad, but I switch between different personas based on who I'm with or where I'm at; my go-to is the sassy, flamboyant, funny gay friend, even though I'm way more low-key and introspective than that, because it serves the double purpose of matching what most people perceive me as (a funny, unserious, fairly confident cis male who can always make you laugh) and because if I'm busy being the funny gay sidekick who just cracks jokes, the laughter keeps people at arms-distance, emotionally, and things can't get serious and painful and I won't get invested or hurt, so everybody wins.
Over the past few years another direction that's emerged is the friendly, approachable local indie author hipster, which is where I go when I'm talking to someone about books or when I'm talking to people who are a lot older than me. It's my best public face, essentially. Sometimes it's the place I speak from when I'm writing these blogs. But not this particular post, obviously, since I'm in my underwear at 2 am drinking coffee and listening to Last Dinosaurs, and can't be bothered.
Yet another is more quiet, slightly bitchy, independent loner persona that I take on when I'm, say, on a night out with friends or in a situation where I need to feel stronger and more confident than I actually am. I think this one is closest to my actual identity/personality, but it's also probably the most anti-social, as well, so that's not great.
Basically the gist of it is that I feel very inadequate in social situations, so it's easier for me to slip into a 'character' either to handle things differently or just to keep the people around me emotionally distant for me own well-being, and theirs, because I'm pretty sure I'm cursed. I don't know if this is a symptom of my bpd or just part of my personality, or both. I do know that most people switch moods/actions/thought patterns when they're in different situations and with different people, because it is human nature, but I also know it's worse for me because of my mental illness.)
Which means self-promotion is pretty much torture for me. If I'm able to accomplish something, it's immediately knocked down a peg in my mind, because I suck, so if I can do it, how cool is it, really?
Before I was writing, books were these magical things, and authors were rock stars. When I finished my book and kept finishing others, I was like "Wait, is this it?" People tell me how impressive it is that I write books and I shrug and and don't care because I honestly don't think anything I do is impressive.
Self-promo kind of only works if you can really sell your book and how awesome it is. I get through it sometimes mostly just because of the enthusiasm I have for my work - but even Shadows, the best book I have or may ever write, got fucked over on publicity because I was going through a poor mental health phase when I put it out. That's why I'm not publishing books until the whole series is done, anymore; I just can't cope with the feeling of stage fright when people are waiting for books or the reader's voice is in my ear.
The point of all this downer shit is that putting myself or my work out there is a daily challenge for me, which is why often this blog is inactive; if I'm not in a black well of depression, I'm usually just not motivated to talk about myself or my work, because outside of the obvious factors of nerdiness and pop culture being awesome, I don't know if or why anybody would even care. So.
Actually, that's a lie. The point of this is that I hate self-promo so much I'd rather publicly air-out all my personal demons and embarrassing secrets than do that. So this is me procrastinating in the form of over-sharing while also talking down about something I hate.
Being an indie author is 99% stress, and for me most of it comes from the promo. Also formatting, but we're not going to talk about formatting right now, because if I bring it up for too long I start screaming, tearing at my hair, and climbing buildings to swat at planes like King Kong himself.
I can't talk to bloggers because it's excruciating trying to push my own books, which are not famous or widely-read or even have that many reviews, either positive or negative, because I feel like I look like one of those people parked on the side of a dirt road in their minivan, selling 'fresh' seafood and oysters out of the trucks of their vehicles. Except, it's worse, because you can't even eat my books.
Note To Self: Invest in chocolate books.
I don't know what it is, since when I was a blogger myself I loved all free books and I also loved approaching publishers despite my anxiety, because I thought the arcs were worth the mortification of sending letters asking for them. I also know I have books on the Kindle app on my phone right now that are self-pubbed by unknown authors and have few if any reviews, and I'm still so excited to read them it hurts my brain.
And that's what it boils down to: even when things AREN'T mortifying and they're really just everyday, normal, no-big-deal communications with other people, my brain freaks out for no reason and starts blaring sirens at me, and I'm smart enough to call its bullshit but not smart enough to figure out how to override the system, and the panic causes me to lash out and act recklessly, without thinking. It's probably why I cope with unhealthy amounts of weed and caffeine.
Anyway the long and short of it is, Dreamseeker is out, I can't do it dirty by not promoting it enough, and since I can't let this series flop because I am literally poor and scared about things like not having enough money to pay my bills or eat, you will all have to watch me shoot myself in the foot trying to get word about this ebook out there. Sorry in advance.
I'll probably be posting a self-interview centered around the book sometime tonight (if James Franco can interview himself, so can I, bite me) and more posts about it and the writing process this week/month! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write a promotional short story :)
I planned to do some promotional blogs for Dreamseeker this week, since, in case you didn't know, I just put out a new edition complete with a beautiful new cover:
Are you not in love with that?
Only when I sat down to write it, I remembered I hate self-promotion and decided to get out of my responsibilities by talking about how much I loathe them, instead.
I have an anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder, and it's always made it hard for me to socialize. As a kid people thought I was really bossy and assertive, but as I got older that reckless, impulsive behavior become more dangerous and problematic, turning self-destructive, and it only got harder and harder for me to make friends among my peers or communicate with people in general.
When I'm talking to people outside my closest friends and family, I'm usually playing a character. I wake up for the day and, if it's a normal day where I get to stay home and sit around in my underwear writing, doing photo-manipulation, and burning chicken nuggets, then I'm my regular nerdy self. I don't filter, and I manage to do that mostly by just keeping silent. But if I have to go out and be in public, I put on a character or a mask.* I know everyone does this to some extent, but with me it's gotten to the point where it's like I'm shrugging armor on and off for battle, and as much as I hate it I know it will probably always be that way. Letting people in and making personal connections is something I want, but at the same time it's probably the thing I spend the most time in life avoiding.
(*I'm not like some kind of emotionally manipulative mastermind or master actor out here pulling multiple personalities out of a hat every day for the performance of my life or anything, so that sounds bad, but I switch between different personas based on who I'm with or where I'm at; my go-to is the sassy, flamboyant, funny gay friend, even though I'm way more low-key and introspective than that, because it serves the double purpose of matching what most people perceive me as (a funny, unserious, fairly confident cis male who can always make you laugh) and because if I'm busy being the funny gay sidekick who just cracks jokes, the laughter keeps people at arms-distance, emotionally, and things can't get serious and painful and I won't get invested or hurt, so everybody wins.
Over the past few years another direction that's emerged is the friendly, approachable local indie author hipster, which is where I go when I'm talking to someone about books or when I'm talking to people who are a lot older than me. It's my best public face, essentially. Sometimes it's the place I speak from when I'm writing these blogs. But not this particular post, obviously, since I'm in my underwear at 2 am drinking coffee and listening to Last Dinosaurs, and can't be bothered.
Yet another is more quiet, slightly bitchy, independent loner persona that I take on when I'm, say, on a night out with friends or in a situation where I need to feel stronger and more confident than I actually am. I think this one is closest to my actual identity/personality, but it's also probably the most anti-social, as well, so that's not great.
Basically the gist of it is that I feel very inadequate in social situations, so it's easier for me to slip into a 'character' either to handle things differently or just to keep the people around me emotionally distant for me own well-being, and theirs, because I'm pretty sure I'm cursed. I don't know if this is a symptom of my bpd or just part of my personality, or both. I do know that most people switch moods/actions/thought patterns when they're in different situations and with different people, because it is human nature, but I also know it's worse for me because of my mental illness.)
Which means self-promotion is pretty much torture for me. If I'm able to accomplish something, it's immediately knocked down a peg in my mind, because I suck, so if I can do it, how cool is it, really?
Before I was writing, books were these magical things, and authors were rock stars. When I finished my book and kept finishing others, I was like "Wait, is this it?" People tell me how impressive it is that I write books and I shrug and and don't care because I honestly don't think anything I do is impressive.
Self-promo kind of only works if you can really sell your book and how awesome it is. I get through it sometimes mostly just because of the enthusiasm I have for my work - but even Shadows, the best book I have or may ever write, got fucked over on publicity because I was going through a poor mental health phase when I put it out. That's why I'm not publishing books until the whole series is done, anymore; I just can't cope with the feeling of stage fright when people are waiting for books or the reader's voice is in my ear.
The point of all this downer shit is that putting myself or my work out there is a daily challenge for me, which is why often this blog is inactive; if I'm not in a black well of depression, I'm usually just not motivated to talk about myself or my work, because outside of the obvious factors of nerdiness and pop culture being awesome, I don't know if or why anybody would even care. So.
Actually, that's a lie. The point of this is that I hate self-promo so much I'd rather publicly air-out all my personal demons and embarrassing secrets than do that. So this is me procrastinating in the form of over-sharing while also talking down about something I hate.
Being an indie author is 99% stress, and for me most of it comes from the promo. Also formatting, but we're not going to talk about formatting right now, because if I bring it up for too long I start screaming, tearing at my hair, and climbing buildings to swat at planes like King Kong himself.
I can't talk to bloggers because it's excruciating trying to push my own books, which are not famous or widely-read or even have that many reviews, either positive or negative, because I feel like I look like one of those people parked on the side of a dirt road in their minivan, selling 'fresh' seafood and oysters out of the trucks of their vehicles. Except, it's worse, because you can't even eat my books.
Note To Self: Invest in chocolate books.
I don't know what it is, since when I was a blogger myself I loved all free books and I also loved approaching publishers despite my anxiety, because I thought the arcs were worth the mortification of sending letters asking for them. I also know I have books on the Kindle app on my phone right now that are self-pubbed by unknown authors and have few if any reviews, and I'm still so excited to read them it hurts my brain.
And that's what it boils down to: even when things AREN'T mortifying and they're really just everyday, normal, no-big-deal communications with other people, my brain freaks out for no reason and starts blaring sirens at me, and I'm smart enough to call its bullshit but not smart enough to figure out how to override the system, and the panic causes me to lash out and act recklessly, without thinking. It's probably why I cope with unhealthy amounts of weed and caffeine.
Anyway the long and short of it is, Dreamseeker is out, I can't do it dirty by not promoting it enough, and since I can't let this series flop because I am literally poor and scared about things like not having enough money to pay my bills or eat, you will all have to watch me shoot myself in the foot trying to get word about this ebook out there. Sorry in advance.
I'll probably be posting a self-interview centered around the book sometime tonight (if James Franco can interview himself, so can I, bite me) and more posts about it and the writing process this week/month! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write a promotional short story :)
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