Things You Can't Calculate (Like The Future)

It would be pointless not to admit that I'm not where I expected to be in my life, at this point. I'm about to turn twenty, so I should probably be excited and happy - especially since I'm starting to publish and follow my career goals - but I'm poor, ridden with mental illness, my living situation is less than ideal, my academic life is a mess, and my personal relationships are all in shambles.

And there is no easy fix. It doesn't matter how hard I work, or how much I do, because - and this is something a lot of us refuse to believe - it is possible to do your best, to give something your all, and fail.

And that's okay. It's okay to fail and learn a lesson from it. It's okay to do your best and make the choices you think are right and still end up in an unhappy place.

I think sometimes when people see me mentioning these things, it can come off as complaining or giving up - and to be clear, I would never give up - but in reality I thinks it's just important to be honest about our struggles and the way we've either failed ourselves or been failed by the world, and, because of my situation, there are a lot of times where I can't talk about the ways I've been failed by the world, or it puts my current situation in jeopardy as well. I can talk about how I've failed myself, though.

I can talk about how fucked around in school, or how I haven't been kind enough to myself, or how it's taken me so long to learn certain lessons. I can talk about the fact that I put my trust in the wrong people.

I can talk about the fact that I failed, and continue to fail, to be able to predict the future.

I can't. None of us can.

What can we do? We can keep giving it our best, even when it doesn't seem to be working. We can have faith that just because we can't see to the end of the road doesn't mean it's not where we're meant to go.

There are some things in life you honestly, honestly, can not calculate. If you asked my fifteen year old self about his five year plan, current me is sure as hell not living up to any of it. If you ask current me about my five year plan, I would tell you I've stopped trying to make long-distance plans.

That's a side effect of being poor, but it's also a side effect of being disillusioned. I can't choose my future. I can plan and hope, but I can't guarantee the outcome. Honestly? I don't want to anymore.

At the end of the day, life takes us where it takes us. And of course, our choices influence where we go - our mindsets and our investments and our decisions now shape ourselves and our futures - but they aren't the only things that shape ourselves or our futures. They're just part of the overall equation.

And I'm going to stop beating myself up for not being able to control the world. I'm going to stop beating myself up for not being able to game a system that's always been stacked against me - one that's stacked against all of us.

I'm going to accept that there are some things you can't calculate and I'm going to be kind to myself, because god knows the world isn't, too often.