A Day in The Life

All I've done today is stress out, wash dishes, play FortNite, stress out some more, and do a brief blurb for a new book I'm going to start working on. Or I guess I already started working on it. The problem is I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumor, I can't afford an MRI, and I have to make an appointment at a free clinic tomorrow so I can get a referral, which might take months, and in the meantime my head feels inflamed, I've been getting worse and worse cluster headaches for weeks now, and I'm constantly terrified or frustrated about it all. I hope I can actually get into the clinic I have my eye on tomorrow because I don't have a family doctor who can refer me.

I'd ideally like to pay the almost $800 bucks to get a quick MRI done but instead I'll be on a waiting list for like eight weeks which is another whole nightmare because I don't know if I can even survive that long. I keep telling myself a lot of brain tumors (most) I think, are benign, but I have a lot of death anxiety and it isn't helping.

I also have anxiety about the clinic in general, like they won't believe me or will try to give me the runaround, but I'm also reminding myself not to buy into the idea of the worst-case scenario. I'll remember to wear a mask, I'll write a list about my symptoms beforehand, and I'll tell them about previous head-trauma I have in the same area of my skull that could be affecting my current situation. I can do that. It's a simple collection of tasks. But my mind likes to break it all up, make it seem more daunting than it is, and convinces me the entire world is against me, and that it's all coming to an end at every moment.

I tried to distract myself a little this a afternoon by playing video games; I spent a couple bucks I shouldn't have on the Yellowjacket pack on FortNite because I have very little self-control and I know it's a limited time pack before the next bundle replaces it. I got the pink-hooded one from last season, I think it's called Iiris? And Yellowjacket is a better skin, but I wasn't going to buy her until I saw her new all-black style option. It felt like more of a skin I'd wear as a main and I couldn't help it. I do think they'll put out a few more style options for her anyway, especially since she seems to be so popular, so it might be worth it in the long-run. To me she looks weirdly like Selena Gomez, but I might just be imaging things.

I'm going to go and wrestle myself up some dinner, because I have no idea what kind of food we have here. I put out chicken earlier but I probably won't make that until tomorrow, so I might need to make new plans. I've gotta make more healthy choices because my body is like, begging me for some vegetables. I can't keep eating rice, salty noodles, and junk food, that's for sure.

I can hopefully get some work done today on this new project that I truly think is going to do well. I hope. Because I want the money. And the reviews. It's more fun writing when people actually have something to say about it. :)


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