Fallen Angels and Random Pitfalls: An Update

Once in a while things get very overwhelming and I tend to shut down and focus on the bare minimum tasks I feel are most important, and one of the things that falls by the wayside is this blog which very few of my readers actually keep up with - on the one hand, it means a lot of people don't actually read this information, but on the other, it means I get to post as many of my insane rantings and ravings as I like without being chased down with torches and pitchforks, and I'm okay with that.

That said, last time I posted a blog here it was NaNoWriMo, and I was very much looking forward to writing my sci-fi book The First Instinct. But since then plans have changed. I switched novels during NaNo to a paranormal romance called Sharp Hollows, but right now that's taken a backseat too. Mainly because NaNoWriMo was a total bust.

Also because I decided I should probably edit and release some other things before I start working on brand new full-length novels. For example, my short story Be Not Afraid!

Be Not Afraid was written, like, last November or December. It's a year old, and I'm kicking myself for not editing and releasing it sooner. I wrote two angel/demon themed short stories back to back, and this is one of them. You can find its Goodreads Page here. It's a very anime vibe coming from me, which I had fun with. It's got a giant spooky monster, a cool epic fight scene, and it feels very episodic/monster of the week, even though it's a standalone. At least for now.

Here's the cover:

I also added a page for it here on the blog. It will be up on Wattpad for free and maybe on this blog too, on it's official book/title page. I am looking to put out a couple more free stories in the coming weeks just because I have two or three I think would be really suited to it, and since right now I can't publish on certain retailers before the New Year (I've gotta get some new documents, rectify all my information on all my accounts, set up accounts with new distributors, etc) I might as well share things the only way I can.

Be Not Afraid, Digital Demon, and CerbIm: Blackout are the stories I'm thinking will be free, but for now keep an eye peeled for an update post where I share Be Not Afraid with official links and stuff.

I had a computer problem the other night and had to reset my PC and while I was doing so I decided I should upgrade to the new version of Scrivener because I was stuck on an outdated one. Scrivener 3 is amazing so far. I'm just hoping my payment actually goes through (it's still processing, and it should be fine, but these things make me nervous, lol) but so far I'm having fun exploring it! Even the thumbnail/taskbar icon is prettier.

In any news I'm spending Christmas morning editing this story and getting it ready, while I drink a little too much vodka, so I wanted to share the cover, aesthetic board, and some more news. I'm sure I've mentioned Be Not Afraid on this blog before, but it felt only proper to give it a real, focused introduction.

I hope your writing and reading goals are all successful and fun this holiday season! Much love, and Merry Xmas from me and mine. :)

 

I like you a lot, so I do what you want~

I've been listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey lately. I mean, I always listen to a lot of Lana Del Rey, but I've largely been ignoring the existence of Music To Watch Boys To so now I'm making up for it by watching it on repeat. To be clear, I think Lana Del Rey has really racist tendencies towards First Nations people and Mexicans, and needs a damn wake up call, but problematic tendencies aside, her music is fucking incredible.

Aside from that I've been working a bunch - but not as much as I could have, because it was Christmas, and then New Years, and a lot of crazy stuff happened, and it didn't leave much time for writing. . .

Mostly, I've been taking selfies. Wouldn't you, though, if you had these eyebrows?

Okay, I swear I'm not actually this vain (or am I?) but I'm trying to write more blog posts this year, and catalogue more memories, and photos count as memories. I'm actually kind of obsessed with taking photos of things, be they meals, people, objects, rooms, views, myself - whatever - that are in my life, because I have this fear that I'll get old and not remember anything about my life/youth and be sad and lonely, but that won't happen if I have photos of it all.

Except, it might still, because I could forget about the photos, too. Who knows? What I do know is that alzheimer's runs in my family, and my Grandmother can't remember what she said five minutes ago or what she had for breakfast, and it worries me. So.

More blog posts. And more selfies.

In other news, I'm getting ready to revise Things We Saw at Midnight and release the second edition. It's going to have a tighter copy-editing, obviously, but I'll also probably change/tighten a few scenes and maybe even add others in? I'm not sure how much I want to change, but not many people have read it, so I don't feel too bad toying around with it. Plus, the idea of an ever-changing book that each reader has different memories of does sound very Midnight City.

On the topic of books, I have a new rule where I'm only allowed to work on one at a time, until it's published - so no drafting one while editing two or editing more than one at a time. Which means that as is, I'm only focused on editing Sosas and putting that out. After that, it's Mirror, I Am, - which I'm co-writing with Winter Rose - and then Shadows, and it's sequels.

I really want to release at least four or five books this year, so I have to get on the fast track and really dedicate myself - but I am dealing with school on top of that.

Right now, though, the stress isn't bad. Kuma (in case you don't know, Kuma is my illustrious and creative bestie, and I'll be mentioning her a lot, so, you know, remember who she is!) is staying with me right now, and we're getting groceries later today before spending hours playing video games, watching movies, and drawing. My brother and his girlfriend are coming over sometime, too, but that won't be until this evening.

The key to not feeling guilty about this day of fun? I already got my work for the day done. I'll probably get another patch of editing in later, but for now I'm happy with my work today.

In working on my newest projects I've been rereading Rachel Aaron's 2K to 10K again and again. It's the best writing advice book I've ever read, but it focuses on thought-training and productivity strategy. It's really helpful, and has revolutionized the way I write and edit. This is how I've drafted manuscripts in eleven and fourteen days - drafting your entire novel in such a short time feels like fucking flying. Once you read this book, you won't go back. I'm not even getting paid to plug it - that's just how much I like it.

Which means I'll probably like her fiction books, too - right? I have another 100 book reading challenge this year, and this time I really want to finish it. I did in 2014, but in 2015 I only got 70 something. So, yeah, I'll be checking out some Rachel Aaron novels.

But the focus is mainly on writing this year. Winter came to my house on boxing day and stayed for two days, and we spent half that time brainstorming and outlining Mirror, I am, building up our mythology and characters. I have a Pinterest Board for my half of the book, and you should definitely check that out! In case you didn't know, I fucking love Pinterest, and I have boards for a lot of my projects, so you should follow me there!

But yeah, Mirror, I am is gonna be fun. Tansy and Arie each have very unique, distinct voices, yet their stories are both about loss and searching for answers and finding your power. There's a lot of magic in this book, but the focus is on the people using it and the hearts beating in their chests. It's very human. I'm excited to share it.

But I can't. Yet. So, here, have a quote instead:

So, yeah. There's a new tab for it at the top of the blog, and the page has Goodreads links so you can add it to your shelves and follow Winter!

And I'll leave you with this:

Bath & Body Works, Acoustic Guitar, and Misadventures in Exercise

So, my seasonal finally ended, and I'm back to being a full-time slug. At least, until the next semester of school starts. Of course, I'll still be working all day every day; I'll just be doing it at home, in my pajamas. I'm still editing SOSAS, and drafting The Indigo Horde (fun!) but I also have school work, and a new diet, and a new instrument and language to learn. So, yeah. I'm learning French at the moment, and I got an acoustic guitar for Christmas - which I asked for, and am over the moon to get - that I now have to learn.

As far as the new diet? I'm cutting out all junk food, all red meat, and adding thirty minutes of exercise a day. In the past I've only been exercising a couple times a week, and then I got my job and stopped altogether, because I figured that was exercise enough - and I was mostly right, since I lost like 8 pounds while working at that store. I started eating a lot as Christmas got closer, especially Chinese takeout and pizza, along with Christmas dinner and all the chocolate I got in my stocking. So, yeah. Not good. I also binged on soda while drinking (because as much as I love shots, I wasn't drinking an entire pint of vodka straight) along with vodka coolers and lemonades that I'm sure are calorie killers.

So, yeah, cutting alcohol out of the new diet, too. I'll probably drink again in the future, but most likely not until we're well into summer. I like to keep drinking a once-in-a-while kind of thing anyway, because I've had problems with self-medicating with it in the past. It's not a problem now, but I still try to stay mindful when it comes to casual drinking, as well.

So, yeah, that's what I have to look forward to over the next few weeks: a lot of work. I mean, it's fun work, but still.

Since my seasonal is over, I guess I can talk more openly about it now? I was working the Christmas rush at Bath and Body Works, and I honestly have no desire to ever step into a mall again. Shoppers are annoying. I'm sure I'm annoying to employees at stores too, though.

I basically went around un-boxing and shelving stuff, though I ended up working the floor and helping customers a lot, too, since I was out there so much. I don't really know what to say about it. It was fun. And exhausting. Really exhausting.

Half of that, was commute time, but the other half was just me. I'm not generally used to being around people all day, anymore, and it drained me. At the same time, the work was hard and I often didn't bring a lunch (I don't like carrying shit around, so that's on me) so I was constantly tired and hungry and in a mild state of anxiety. It only got really bad once, I think my second to last week - I had an anxiety attack and ended up leaving. I told my boss I had to go because I just didn't feel good, but I was honestly about to burst into tears. I have no idea why I freaked out like that, so I guess I was just overwhelmed that day. I think it was a valid learning experience, and I did gain some confidence just from being around people that often, but I'm glad it's over and I get a short break for a while.

Well, a break from going out every day. Not a break from working.

I've also done a lot of shopping lately. I bought myself one of those adult coloring books, and a few actual novels, along with a sketchbook. I grabbed a new hat and some candles. I think I'm going to buy some new incense the next time I go out, because those stick are cheap and I haven't had any in a while.

I also bought some video games. I got Saints Row 3 (we used to have it for xbox, and I missed it, so I grabbed one for the ps3 and I'm just as addicted as I was before) and Enslaved, Odyssey to the West. I would probably be playing those now, honestly, but my brother and his girlfriend are watching some mafia show on the big screen, and my cousin Amelia is passed out on my bed behind me (she had the bright idea to pull an all-nighter and then ditched me before it was even eleven o'clock!) and I really want to spend the next three hours just listening to 8tracks.

But I'm going to force myself to write more of the indigo horde while I do it, because priorities.

The Indigo Horde & You

I have a new book out that I'm serializing on Wattpad over the course of the next ten or eleven days. It's an urban fantasy called The Indigo Horde about a private detective, some monster hunters, and a very steamy romance. You can read it free here.

But enough of self-promotion. Because today what I actually want to talk about is art. And not the usual type of art I talk about. Nope: it ain't about writing today. I'm talking visual art.

Specifically? Sketching.

The year ends in like, twelve or so days and I still haven't finished filling up my sketchbook. I have so many empty pages, I'm thinking of lugging it around with me for the rest of the month and just sketching everything I see to fill it up. I hate letting empty pages go to waste, but as soon as the year ends, so does my work in this sketchbook. I'll have to put it on the shelf and grab a new one. Which I will hopefully use more.

Also not complete? My 2015 reading challenge. I wanted to read 100 books, and I've only finished 71 so far. Not bad at all, but still not my goal. That said, I'm proud of myself, because on top of reading 71 books this year, I wrote a few too.

1) Shadows
2) Souls of Salt & Seawater
3) Things We Saw At Midnight
4) Blood of Midnight

As far as 2015 goes, I'm happy. I think I grew a lot, learned a lot more about myself, and I like where I am, and who I am as a person. There are things I want to work on and accomplish, but overall, I'm proud of myself and all the growth I've gone through this year. I've changed a lot. I've also just become more myself in some ways. It has been a long year, to be clear. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak and a lot of joy. I traveled further than I've ever gone before, I got my first tattoo, I ended an eight-year friendship, I grew in confidence, got my first day job in years, and really began to make some headway with my mental illness. I am both terrified and horribly excited for next year.

And for Christmas. Because I finally finished my shopping. A lot of people got candles and books, a few got other things, but for the most part it was easy this year. And now that it's done I can relax without stressing.

Like tonight I watched Crimson Peak, finally, with my parents, and I didn't spend the entire time wondering what to buy my extended family for the holidays. And, y'know, I got to stare at Tom Hiddleston's but, which is always a plus.

So, yeah, things are good, and always looking up. I hope it's been a great year for you guys too, and I hope the last few days of it continue to be positive. I'll have more posts up before new years (I never shut up, do I?) along with more chapters of the Indigo Horde, but until then, I'll leave you with this gem:

Again. So fun.

I called in sick again today. My boss was not impressed. I have no idea what's been going around, because I know it's not just me (probably why she was so annoyed) but there are a few of us out sick. I don't know if it's a coincidence or if I caught it from one of them, but I'm not loving it. I've spent most of the day curled up writing, and I'm about to get back to that, because I have so much to fucking do, but I wanted to stop in and post my first December update!

It's almost Christmas . . . which is scary. Because I still have shopping today. And not enough cash to go around. I may go prematurely grey.

Or I may rip out all my hair before it gets to that.

Either way, back to work!

Jessica Jones is a Masterpiece and I'm Really Tired

It's 3:51 am and I'm sitting in my room listening to this and dreading work tomorrow. I have a 2 to 10:30 shift, but I'll be at the mall by 12 because of my shitty bus route. I hate living outside of the city - I feel like I'm always mentioning that, but I really do. It's a half an hour walk to the bus stop, and at the halfway mark there's this dead raccoon with it's innards spilling out that I have to cross the road to avoid, and I'm tired of all my music but haven't had time to download anything new, so it's also boring as hell.

I guess I can take advantage of being early tomorrow by doing some more Christmas shopping. I still need gifts for my brother and cousin, and the gifts I got for my parents and best friend are incomplete. I also might buy lunch. But maybe not. Because I always feel guilty spending money.

My dad paid for this new laptop, so I owe him about 600 dollars, and I should be saving my money for that, on top of gas money. I don't know. It's really hard being poor. I'm sure most of you already know that. And it's not like I'm destitute or anything. At all. But I make 10 bucks an hour and I'm only working seasonal and gas is expensive and I need so many things that now that I have money it's pulling me in different directions - I need to pay my dad back. I also need new clothes. I also need stuff like medication and hygienic products I haven't been able to afford for a long time now, and I'm also supposed to be saving up for my passport, and for a phone, and it's so hard to try to balance everything I need to do on this budget.

So that's where I'm at this week. I got some work done on SOSAS, and two short chapters drafted on A Darkness So Divine, and that was fun. I wish I could write more. I wish I wasn't near-dead every time I came home at night.

For now I'm fitting anything in anywhere I can. It's hard, and it's making me feel guilty that I can't make more time for it, but on top of work and my commute and generally being a human (eating/sleeping/fighting mental illness) it's harder than it should be. But I'm going to do this. Because I have to do this. Because I've wanted it since I was ten years old and I don't think I'll ever want anything more. I don't think I'll ever love anything more than I love words, and the way they twist together on the page until I'm lost and everything else that I'm worried about doesn't matter, because at least I have this escape.

When seasonal is over, and my last semester of school is over, I'll be able to devote the time to this that it deserves. Until then, I'll have to keep scrapping by writing whenever I can squeeze it in, for an hour here or thirty minutes there, between shifts of working and sleeping.

And trying not to slap customers in the face when they snap at me for shit that isn't under my control.

Ah, the joys of retail.

Anyway, when I'm not working, writing, or sleeping, I've been watching Jessica Jones. I just got Netflix, and I was so excited to get to start watching this show - it hasn't disappointed me. I'm only on episode 7 or 8, but it's amazing, and it's making me appreciate David Tenant even though I hated him in Dr. Who. To be fair, the only one I actually enjoyed was Christopher Eccleston. I mean, Matt Smith is really handsome and sweet, but I can take or leave his Dr. And I hate the current one almost as much as I did Tenant.

But he's brilliant as Kilgrave. I mean, this show scares me. It's been pretty disturbing at times, and I've even teared up at a couple of points (to be fair, everything makes me tear up these days- movie trailers, good songs, book endings . . . maybe I'm turning into a softy) but still, I'm addicted.

I also ran down to the book store on my break and bought a copy of Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. I'm sixty-eight pages in and loving it, and me and the clerk had a nice chat about the Darkling, which was fun. I'm always blown away when I meet a book lover I share favourite series with in person, because that never happens.

Also, hmm - Kilgrave and the Darkling. Can you tell I'm fascinated by amorality?

My obsession for dangerous sociopaths aside, my obsession with herbal tea just made me spend 10 dollars on a pack of 12 gourmet tea bags from David's Teas. I grabbed a 12-pack of Buddha's Blend - it's a mix of white and green tea, and it's fucking delicious - but still and hour of work for 12 tea bags. Ugh. I have a problem. My excuse for buying both the tea and the book is, basically, yolo. I'm gonna die someday, so I might as well take pleasure in the small things while I'm here.

Because on some level I know that no matter if I become a famous author, or a pilot, or a marketing guru, or end up homeless and forgotten, no matter what happens to me, if - when - I die some day, these small moments will be all that's left of me that really matter. Having fun with my friends, shopping for gifts for the people I love, taking the first bite of a takeout lunch I probably didn't need, buying a new book just because I crave the words in it that much - those small moments are more important than anything else. And I appreciate my end-goals and I want them more than anything, but I also need to be willing that life is long and short and awful and we don't always get what we want. If I get hit by a bus or die in an unexpected fire tomorrow without ever writing all the books I want, I need to know that I can be happy with the life I've lived. So I'm not trying to forget about my goals, or forget to live while I'm alive, but I'm also not going to forget that sometime it's okay to enjoy the moment and stop worrying about the future for a bit. I have a lot of guilt to work past when it comes to doing things for myself and my mental health and happiness, and I need to remember that it's okay to do things and invest in them just because I enjoy them.

I take comfort in the fact that I'm living with my parents until after I've been out of school for a year, so I have plenty of time to make money and save up, but I still get nervous thinking about the future. Like, what if writing doesn't pan out? What if you're stuck on the same daily grind of day-job, home, write, sleep, wake up, work, write, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat, for years? What if it's always this much of a struggle to live?

And I understand that that's my anxiety talking, but it's still hard to fight sometimes. So I also take comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, it's all life, it's all experience, and it's all valuable in the long run.

Even now, looking back, some of the memories I value the most from my life are from the times it was most difficult. Because even though I'm struggling, I'm also expanding.

So yeah. That's my mind lately. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and go to work. I'll finish up some Christmas shopping and come home and work some more, and I'll put all of this worrying out of my mind and do what I have to, but at least for tonight, I'm letting myself be anxious. I have to feel it to move past it, so that's what I'll do.