February Slipped Away

What an asshole of a month. A month of mystery. And fog. And snow. And reading Crescent City and playing video games and sleeping a lot. And editing a lot.

And now, March.

I'm turning thirty. Is anyone ever ready for that? I'm kind of vibing with it, though.

Meanwhile I wanted to blog so much more during February. I wanted to read more, write more, and DO more than I did. So with the one last day we have left, I'm doing as much as I can. Which means I'm going to post what I want, make what I want, and cram as much creative productivity into the last day as I can.

Because even though I have time to do this all in March and I'm not rushing any of it, I still wanted to have more more in February, you know?

And if you don't, I don't know how you don't. The shortest month really outdid itself this year. Here and gone in a blink!

Anyways, I've got music to make, and a sketchbook spread to do, and some books to edit, and some self-pub admin tasks to finish with, and it's all so overwhelming, but probably only because I put it all off until the last minute.

No Reason I Shouldn't

 Shockingly, not many people read this blog. I know, I know, a blogger blog for an indie author that hasn't regularly published since 2020/2021 isn't a huge hit. Shocker, right?

So I think sometimes I shouldn't even bother publishing here, but then I think, there's no reason I shouldn't, either.

Frankly I do it for myself as much as anyone else; it keeps my head clear and me focused on my goals, rather than ambiguously shuffling around trying to remember what I was doing. Like, right now, I'm working on things I can't announce, but I am working on things.

Like, launching new pen names, new books, republishing old books with cool new editions. Writing sequels. But it's hard, hard work. And I'm also psyching myself out.

I used to blog so much, and had so much fun.

I think that's worth trying again.

I noticed last year I only posted four times. Probably because it flew by, but also because it felt like I had so much happening. Now I kind of wish I had slowed down and made more of that time and documented it more. Ah well, I can at least start now.

So, this month I released an album.

It's called The Chaos Precise and it's only up on Bandlab right now. You can check it out here.

Here's the cover:

 

 

 

The tracklist is eleven songs. There was another song called Twisted Delicate that came just before and led into the track 'somewhere in the middle' but it kept getting copyrighted and made private. I submitted an appeal and they restored it only to flag it and remove it again. I'm at my wits end. I'll still publish that track elsewhere because I did remove all the copyrighted samples from it only for them to still mess around.

Anyway it's got a little pop, a little rock/grunge and a little weird digital stuff. I never know how to make something one genre, or make the genres sound interesting, but it is what it is. I love this record.

For now, that is. I'll probably decide I hate it in a few weeks and then make a new one.

I have a weird love/hate relationship with all my music, but it's the best I can make it and at a certain point you just have to release shit.

I'm gonna get back to my writing projects, but at least I feel like I've contributed something to this blog for this year.

Oh My Rapture by Gemma White Review: The Voice Poetry Needs

But I felt safe there painting orange teapots

outlining women in Texta with the mysterious green eyes

Some days I could even feel that my soul was still alive

Such a crappy small town 

FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD. Seriously though, I've read a lot of poetry today and a lot of it was really bad. This broke the mold and gave me a shot of something fresh; a unique, strong voice, a genuine personality and identity, a distinct artistic sensibility. This is an actual person and an actual artist with opinions and a personality who is not trying to be like everybody else or to be an airbrushed version of themselves, and that is so fucking refreshing these days.

The poems in this collection, and Gemma White's voice in general, were so enjoyable and refreshing for the same reason Ethel Cain's music and lyrics are: she provides a reality, a look at something true, not a glamourized ideal.

There is a genuineness and an honesty and a refusal to polish the truth or airbrush out every microscopic flaw here that feels just so bold and down to earth, so grounded, but also so manic and so insecure and uncertain. Yet also strong, risky, beautiful.

To be clear I don't have bipolar but I definitely have some kind of mood disorder and mental instability has and always will be a part of my life. I'm lucky because my manic episodes are not dangerous or half as embarrassing as other people experience: I've heard from people whose manic episodes lead them to truly endanger themselves, people who love their manic episodes and people who hate them. I usually enjoy mine, they tend to last anywhere from 2 to 3 days and I feel energized, slightly strung-out, but in a sharp, crystalline way. I feel like I'm in sync with myself and the universe and I burn up with creative energy and do a ton of random artsy stuff and make a mess, but when I come out of it the worst that's happened is I'm sleep-deprived, a little emotional, and the house is messy.

But for others obviously manic episodes, mood and personality disorders, etc, are more serious or more powerful. It takes a lot of character to develop this level of self-awareness of your mode of functioning and experiencing the universe, where you can feel both the shame and the joy, appreciate what sets you apart and your unique perspective, grasp that you have experiences others don't and you're allowed to revel in moments of joy and adrenaline, but also acknowledge that it's a weakness in many ways and can bring shame, danger, etc.

The musings on bipolar experiences here were incredible. But also White's refusal to mope or throw herself a pity party. And her jab at poets who do constantly throw themselves pity parties. Her willingness to poke fun at herself, celebrate herself, acknowledge shame and regret in the past while also knowing her worth and having a true sense of love and purpose for art and a knowledge that it's her purpose. These poems really, really resonated with me.

There is something

Sacred and healing

That happens when I write

When I paint

When I create songs

Maybe I am closer to God

Maybe the bad things can't find me here

Hi hello my head is bald. Gemma White has me by the scalp!

Is everything equally sacred and profane?

Her musings on topics most poets find taboo like sex, masturbation, bodily functions, etc, are so matter-of-fact but not vulgar or showing off, she's not being a douche about it, like "Look how cool I am! I talk about things other poets won't!" ironically, when she talks about stuff like masturbation, it's not masturbatory, she's not patting herself on the back here for breaking the mold, you can tell she just really doesn't care to censor herself and doesn't give a fuck. These are her poems, this is what it is, take it or leave it.

Oh my mystery, oh my darkness

oh my rapture, oh my music

I was absolutely enchanted by this collection. I cannot believe this writer isn't going absolutely breakout viral. I was actually blown away both by her obviously good taste but also by her skill and execution.

I would absolutely recommend giving this a chance for anybody who likes poetry or is curious about it. This is a modern voice, this is a poet with a fucking brain, some opinions, and some god damn taste. This is what we need right now.

Huge thanks to NetGalley for the chance to read this lovely art.

I don't want to be a good poet

I want to be a naughty one!

Obligatory What?

OBLIGATORY INSTAGRAM PLUG, THAT'S WHAT, BITCHES. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW ME:

It's mostly selfies nobody asked for and pictures of the nature around my home, but there's some art and books thrown in there for good measure. Check it out! (If you dare.)

Write Novels Like Songs

It's nineteen days until I turn twenty, and that is freaking me out, so instead of writing about that, I'm going to write about the way songwriters inspire me.

I write novels, but I look to people like Lorde and Grimes for writing inspiration. The way other people work and weave words in fascinating to me. Carly Rae Jepsen scrapping albums and starting over with new concepts -something Grimes has done too- or Lorde creating each album as a quick snapshot of her life.

Drug-binge work sessions and caffeine-fueled bursts of word working, the places where people write and the things they surround themselves with, and why. I love hearing about that stuff. I love hearing people talk about their process.

So here's a quote about writing from from Grimes/Ella that I really like:

I often do my best work when I can be completely absorbed by it. It was the same thing in high school with math. It’s always been about losing myself and losing track of time. I remember meditating on a math problem for over four hours, and only snapping out of it when I had to go to the bathroom. Those were the times when I could really feel the progress. It’s always a good sign to realize that six hours just disappeared. To see how time dissolves can be a powerful experience, and it’s one I miss. Because it’s one thing to talk about stuff and it’s another to actually commit to doing it; to solve a math problem or make music. Not being too self-aware in the process is also really important. - Grimes

Improvement

A few days ago I found one of the first digital art pieces I ever did, bad anatomy, half-assed background and all. So I decided to redraw it.

In middle school I went through a big, big vocaloid phase, and I still like a lot of the character designs, so I do still draw miku from time to time, though I don't listen to the music anymore.

Anyway, I thought I would share this here. I really still need to improve in the colouring department (I forgot to shade her best because I'm an idiot) but I'm happy with my drawing improvement, so far - not that I want to stop improving, just that I'm on the right track in that direction, so I think I'll focus on my painting style for the time being.

Instrumental Obligations and Lacking Magic

This past Christmas, I received a guitar. To be clear, I mentioned wanting a guitar once, about seven or eight months before the holiday, as a throwaway thing that I never - never - expected to get. But I did. And I have to learn it.

Why? Because it was expensive and my parents were happy they were able to get me something I asked for, and I feel guilty ever day that passes without me learning it.

Back in tenth grade I started to learn as part of a music course I hadn't even passed the pre-req course to get into, and was only in because they had no other place for me that block, but in the end I lost what little I picked up and spent most of the time in the course fooling around. I was never a good student, but it was still one of my favourite classes. I used to have dreams of being able to plop down on the sidewalk uptown and play and be able to earn some quick cash, or being able to romance some musician guy through my sheer instrumental bad-assery.

Now I will settle for learning the chords to a couple of pop songs to placate my parents and make myself feel like this gift was not a total loss on me.

This isn't even the first time I've failed to learn an instrument - the one I'm honestly in love with, and always has been, is the piano - but I failed to learn to play keyboard in ninth grade, as well.

Okay, I didn't entirely fail - I learned a bit of Seven Devils, by Florence and the Machine, but it quickly fell apart and now I have no idea what I'm looking at when I sit down at a keyboard.

The thing is, I'm not sure I have the passion in me to develop another love like that. My love for things I used to enjoy - reading books, walking, partying, socializing, art (both digital and traditional) has all been slowly but steadily fading away over the past year, and it's been a struggle to get back into it.

I had a really bright (challenging, but bright) spot for a while, back when I was working and earning money and I felt productive, but my seasonal was coming to an end and they decided not to keep me on after it did, and after I stopped working I went into a downward spiral.

I'm hoping once I'm in school every day it will get better, and being out and getting things done everyday will be beneficial, but at the same time, I'm skeptical. I'm always skeptical when someone says something might offer some form of happiness of fulfillment these days. Because I know how it feels, have been through it time and time again, to start to feel yourself resemble a fully formed human being again only to have that happiness and stability and sense of identity start to slip away from you again.

But, at the same time, if I don't try, there's just the guilt. So I've been doing it, very, very slowly, with other things. I went for a walk a few evenings ago, even though it was snowing, because I knew I needed to get out or I would lose my mind. I've been working my way through a few books, trying to gain momentum in my reading life again. I recently finished The King's Games and Language Lessons, by Amanda Hocking and Jay Bell, respectively, and I actually fell in love with the Magicians, by Lev Grossman, although it may have made my depressive state a bit worse, if I'm being honest. It's a bleak book.

Soon I need to get back into language practice and try picking up this guitar for the first time.

I don't know, I suppose it feels like my life has stalled and nothing is happening, every day is the same, and I'm very isolated. A lot of old friendships simply dwindled into nothing once I left school, and it just feels like the magic has drained out of everything.

But at the same time, I know that it is up to me to seek out happiness. Nothing might change if I go for it, but if I don't there's not even that tiny chance.

So I'm trying to perk up. And in the meantime I'm trying to pick up on my workload and get more things out there. I've been looking at different marketing tactics and options to get my books out there, and, I don't know, it all seems really difficult and . . . well, ineffective.

Like, I had a LibraryThing Giveaway where I sent out twenty copies of Frenzy in exchange for reviews, and got zero reviews. I made the book free on Kindle for several days, and scours of people downloaded it, but it only got one new rating. It was a five-star rating, which was very nice, but it was still one rating, and no reviews. With Souls of Salt & Seawater, I figured things would be different - why? The book was born of reader demand. I had 200 followers on Tumblr, when I wrote a single one-off scene in response to a prompt on my dash, and almost overnight my blog grew to over 900 followers and I had dozens of people demanding I write a full story, or put a book out. And I love mermaids, so I did. And I sent out free copies, and ran a free promotion on Kindle, and again, easily over a hundred downloads, and zero ratings, zero reviews.

To be absolutely honest, I don't even need my books to sell well. I would be perfectly happy finding another source of income. But I do want my books to be read. I could care less about the money, as long as they foster discussion. As long as there's feedback.

All writers crave feedback. But there isn't any, and it's hard to gain any, because not only am I an indie author, I'm an unknown indie author. Not many people have taken a chance on my work, since they have no idea who I am, and nobody is going to take a chance on it until someone else does, so me and my work are both trapped in this eternal waiting phase.

To be honest, I'm trapped in waiting phases in most aspects/areas of my life, so I'm used to it, and I don't really expect anything else at this point, but it would be nice if things could start happening. 'Cause at this point, even if they were bad things, they would still be better than this insufferable monotony that's taken over my existence.

So, that's where I've been at, lately, and that's partially why I haven't been posting here - because there's really nothing to post about. And not a lot of people read this blog.

As soon as that changes, I will probably be posting a lot more than I do now, which is already quite a bit, considering that most of my posts get few to no views. 

I like you a lot, so I do what you want~

I've been listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey lately. I mean, I always listen to a lot of Lana Del Rey, but I've largely been ignoring the existence of Music To Watch Boys To so now I'm making up for it by watching it on repeat. To be clear, I think Lana Del Rey has really racist tendencies towards First Nations people and Mexicans, and needs a damn wake up call, but problematic tendencies aside, her music is fucking incredible.

Aside from that I've been working a bunch - but not as much as I could have, because it was Christmas, and then New Years, and a lot of crazy stuff happened, and it didn't leave much time for writing. . .

Mostly, I've been taking selfies. Wouldn't you, though, if you had these eyebrows?

Okay, I swear I'm not actually this vain (or am I?) but I'm trying to write more blog posts this year, and catalogue more memories, and photos count as memories. I'm actually kind of obsessed with taking photos of things, be they meals, people, objects, rooms, views, myself - whatever - that are in my life, because I have this fear that I'll get old and not remember anything about my life/youth and be sad and lonely, but that won't happen if I have photos of it all.

Except, it might still, because I could forget about the photos, too. Who knows? What I do know is that alzheimer's runs in my family, and my Grandmother can't remember what she said five minutes ago or what she had for breakfast, and it worries me. So.

More blog posts. And more selfies.

In other news, I'm getting ready to revise Things We Saw at Midnight and release the second edition. It's going to have a tighter copy-editing, obviously, but I'll also probably change/tighten a few scenes and maybe even add others in? I'm not sure how much I want to change, but not many people have read it, so I don't feel too bad toying around with it. Plus, the idea of an ever-changing book that each reader has different memories of does sound very Midnight City.

On the topic of books, I have a new rule where I'm only allowed to work on one at a time, until it's published - so no drafting one while editing two or editing more than one at a time. Which means that as is, I'm only focused on editing Sosas and putting that out. After that, it's Mirror, I Am, - which I'm co-writing with Winter Rose - and then Shadows, and it's sequels.

I really want to release at least four or five books this year, so I have to get on the fast track and really dedicate myself - but I am dealing with school on top of that.

Right now, though, the stress isn't bad. Kuma (in case you don't know, Kuma is my illustrious and creative bestie, and I'll be mentioning her a lot, so, you know, remember who she is!) is staying with me right now, and we're getting groceries later today before spending hours playing video games, watching movies, and drawing. My brother and his girlfriend are coming over sometime, too, but that won't be until this evening.

The key to not feeling guilty about this day of fun? I already got my work for the day done. I'll probably get another patch of editing in later, but for now I'm happy with my work today.

In working on my newest projects I've been rereading Rachel Aaron's 2K to 10K again and again. It's the best writing advice book I've ever read, but it focuses on thought-training and productivity strategy. It's really helpful, and has revolutionized the way I write and edit. This is how I've drafted manuscripts in eleven and fourteen days - drafting your entire novel in such a short time feels like fucking flying. Once you read this book, you won't go back. I'm not even getting paid to plug it - that's just how much I like it.

Which means I'll probably like her fiction books, too - right? I have another 100 book reading challenge this year, and this time I really want to finish it. I did in 2014, but in 2015 I only got 70 something. So, yeah, I'll be checking out some Rachel Aaron novels.

But the focus is mainly on writing this year. Winter came to my house on boxing day and stayed for two days, and we spent half that time brainstorming and outlining Mirror, I am, building up our mythology and characters. I have a Pinterest Board for my half of the book, and you should definitely check that out! In case you didn't know, I fucking love Pinterest, and I have boards for a lot of my projects, so you should follow me there!

But yeah, Mirror, I am is gonna be fun. Tansy and Arie each have very unique, distinct voices, yet their stories are both about loss and searching for answers and finding your power. There's a lot of magic in this book, but the focus is on the people using it and the hearts beating in their chests. It's very human. I'm excited to share it.

But I can't. Yet. So, here, have a quote instead:

So, yeah. There's a new tab for it at the top of the blog, and the page has Goodreads links so you can add it to your shelves and follow Winter!

And I'll leave you with this:

Co-Writing a Novel and Other Wild Happenings

Remember my cousin Amelia? The one I went on vacation with this summer? The one I have a matching tattoo with? Well, her new pen name is Winter Rose, and she's making her literary debut in a book we're co-writing together, Mirror, I Am.

There's a new page for Mirror, I Am at the top of the blog. I'd say it's paranormal, but it's more contemporary with paranormal aspects. I mean, it's got full-on magic, a race of psychics called Talents, our main characters are a girl who can astral project and a girl who can track people using their personal possessions. But the main plots are about human things, and relationships between people. It's all about the characters, their families, their grief.

Definitely check out the book page here on the blog, as well as the Goodreads page! For now, here's a glimpse at our main characters:

Mine:

And Winter's:

God, it feels good to be a full-time artist again!

The Indigo Horde & You

I have a new book out that I'm serializing on Wattpad over the course of the next ten or eleven days. It's an urban fantasy called The Indigo Horde about a private detective, some monster hunters, and a very steamy romance. You can read it free here.

But enough of self-promotion. Because today what I actually want to talk about is art. And not the usual type of art I talk about. Nope: it ain't about writing today. I'm talking visual art.

Specifically? Sketching.

The year ends in like, twelve or so days and I still haven't finished filling up my sketchbook. I have so many empty pages, I'm thinking of lugging it around with me for the rest of the month and just sketching everything I see to fill it up. I hate letting empty pages go to waste, but as soon as the year ends, so does my work in this sketchbook. I'll have to put it on the shelf and grab a new one. Which I will hopefully use more.

Also not complete? My 2015 reading challenge. I wanted to read 100 books, and I've only finished 71 so far. Not bad at all, but still not my goal. That said, I'm proud of myself, because on top of reading 71 books this year, I wrote a few too.

1) Shadows
2) Souls of Salt & Seawater
3) Things We Saw At Midnight
4) Blood of Midnight

As far as 2015 goes, I'm happy. I think I grew a lot, learned a lot more about myself, and I like where I am, and who I am as a person. There are things I want to work on and accomplish, but overall, I'm proud of myself and all the growth I've gone through this year. I've changed a lot. I've also just become more myself in some ways. It has been a long year, to be clear. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak and a lot of joy. I traveled further than I've ever gone before, I got my first tattoo, I ended an eight-year friendship, I grew in confidence, got my first day job in years, and really began to make some headway with my mental illness. I am both terrified and horribly excited for next year.

And for Christmas. Because I finally finished my shopping. A lot of people got candles and books, a few got other things, but for the most part it was easy this year. And now that it's done I can relax without stressing.

Like tonight I watched Crimson Peak, finally, with my parents, and I didn't spend the entire time wondering what to buy my extended family for the holidays. And, y'know, I got to stare at Tom Hiddleston's but, which is always a plus.

So, yeah, things are good, and always looking up. I hope it's been a great year for you guys too, and I hope the last few days of it continue to be positive. I'll have more posts up before new years (I never shut up, do I?) along with more chapters of the Indigo Horde, but until then, I'll leave you with this gem:

Filler. It's All Filler.

This post is total filler, because I want to blog more, and I never have time to talk about the stuff I love anymore, so I'm doing that here. I keep telling myself to update this site more, because it's good marketing, and it's a nice connection to my readers, and it's nice to read posts from the past and remember things.

But I'm also a lazy, lazy nerd with not a lot of time on my hands. And in that limited time, I would rather do nerdy stuff than talk about doing nerdy stuff. But here's to talking:

I'm reading Six of Crows, and it's amazing, and I am blown away by Leigh Bardugo's worldbuilding. I'm binge-watching a bunch of stuff on Netflix; Devil is a Part-Timer, How To Get Away With Murder -- and I just finished Jessica Jones, which was amazing, spoilers or not. I can't wait for Luke Cage. (Is his show going to be self-titled too? I don't know. Who cares? More Luke!) And I'm also trying to fill out my sketchbook before the year ends. I really, really need to get some damn sketch work done. Pronto.

Aside from all this? Playing a bit of Tomb Raider here and there. Maintaining my caffeine addiction. Trying to deal with my crippling mental illness. The usual.

But no, really. I think I may need to go back on Prozac, which I really don't want to do, because side effects, and expensive medication, and gah. But my health is more important, and I'm better on my meds than off them, increased risk of type 2 diabetes or no. Because if something doesn't change I will implode, and it can't be my life that changes. I need this job, I need this school work, and I need to be writing - it's not the things I have to do, it's me, being too weak to handle the stress. And I know I have an illness and it's not my fault it undermines my quality of life, 'cause that's what illness does. It still sucks.

But I would rather be tired than tired, paranoid, anxious, and depressed. So. Them's the breaks.

What I would mainly like is a good night of sleep, clear skin, and a driver's license. Until then, however, I am stuck taking public transport to work. Which means I have to go get ready for my shift right now because the walk to the bus stop is forty-five minutes! Lucky me, right?

Have a good one, guys!

Meet the Characters of the Ten Day Book!

So, meet the characters of ten day book, Shadows:

Sky - the main & POV character of the series. Sky is a pretty, gender nonconforming gay guy, and he's very, very sarcastic. He's a talented artist, and has some strange abilities, to top it all off. . . He's also scrapy as hell and a little bit (re: a whole lot) stubborn.

Hunter - Sky's love interest; a mysterious guy with a dangerous past and some powerful energies. He's open about his emotions and doesn't waste words, and he likes to tease the people he loves. Hunter is a skilled warrior and a lover of factoids.

The lyrics are from the song Crystalised, but the xx, and I highly recommend it. It fits their relationship well. The monster is a Charmer Hound . . . a beast made of shadows and magik.

I can't wait to share this book with you guys. I'm having a lot of fun writing, and while it's definitely rough around the edges, I think it's got a certain sort of charm that, with some polishing, readers will really enjoy.

Pinterest, Podcasts & Pocky. Oh, We Also Got a New Government!

Canada has a new, Liberal Government! In case you aren't Canadian, let me explain how good it feels to be free of Stephen Harper to you: I feel like I live in Narnia and the White Witch has finally been banished. I feel like Beatrix Kiddo standing over Bill's dead body. And hey - Justin Trudeau isn't too hard on the eyes, either. . .

Okay, enough. Less politics, more pop culture! I'm working on SOSAS & Shadows today (finishing up SOSAS and starting to draft Shadows) so I'll keep this short. You need to watch Scream Queens. I'm watching it. I'm in love with it. I'm also re-watching MTV's Scream (which you'll remember once gave me nightmares) with my parents, and I'm gonna start iZombie sometime soon. I've heard good things about it.

There was talk of Podcasts on Goodreads, and I plugged Sarah Enni's podcast First Draft, which is fantastic. I honestly need more people to listen to this, because it's incredible. Back when I didn't have home internet during the winter I would download episodes of this at the public library and listen to it all day while I was home, so I felt less isolated.

http://firstdraftwithsarahenni.tumblr.com/tagged/podcast

Each episode is an interview with a YA or middle grade author, and they're some cool talks about writing, creating art, and even growing up and embracing yourself. Some of them get surprisingly deep (and funny!) so check them out!

I'm listening to the new Selena Gomez album. Especially the newest single:

And that's about it. I still have 5000 words to write tonight, and a bunch of dishes to do, so that's all for today, but I'll have another post up sometime this week!