Fate, Strange Fate

I love PARADES. and Having Itchy Nails Tires me...

And having hangnails is annoying. And having to clip my nails every three or four days is super annoying. And not being able to release new stories yet is the most annoying. But what can you do? Nothing's really done yet to the degree I want to announce or share it.

I'm writing though. Lots! And it's all pretty cool stuff.

I'm also listening a lot to the new Anne Hathaway album. I genuinely cannot believe how good it is. She's a great singer but also the production and songwriting is immaculate. Burial, Dark Cradle, and Blue Flame are incredible. My favourite is Holy Spirit 2 though; what a damn song!

I haven't seen the movie Mother Mary yet but the album is immaculate.

Here's hoping Anne Hathaway continues releasing music though because she's fucking incredible at it! Easily eating these main pop girlies up.

Anyway I'm going back to drafting and I'm going to be listening to this album on repeat as I do it.

All I can say is this story is like Control (the best video game ever made) and Loki, an impeccable show, and maybe like Men In Black and X-Files and SCPFoundation. And it's gonna be great. It already is great, but it's only half done, so imagine how much greater it WILL be!

Red Bulls & Moth's Wings

 It's honestly wild how fast this year is moving. I turned thirty a few days ago. I wanted to have this novella out already but I'm taking my sweet time with it because it's launching a new pen name and returning to publishing after a long time away and that's obviously been nerve-wracking.

I'm sure my own expectations for myself are much higher than other people's, to be fair. I have to remember it's not supposed to be the Best Book Ever Written. It's supposed to be silly, fun, and kinda sexy. And weird.

And hey! It is all those things!

I'm in the final stages of working on it so it will be announced and released soon but right now it's too soon to say anything other than it's the first in a series (duh) and it's supernatural (duh) and gay (duh).

February Slipped Away

What an asshole of a month. A month of mystery. And fog. And snow. And reading Crescent City and playing video games and sleeping a lot. And editing a lot.

And now, March.

I'm turning thirty. Is anyone ever ready for that? I'm kind of vibing with it, though.

Meanwhile I wanted to blog so much more during February. I wanted to read more, write more, and DO more than I did. So with the one last day we have left, I'm doing as much as I can. Which means I'm going to post what I want, make what I want, and cram as much creative productivity into the last day as I can.

Because even though I have time to do this all in March and I'm not rushing any of it, I still wanted to have more more in February, you know?

And if you don't, I don't know how you don't. The shortest month really outdid itself this year. Here and gone in a blink!

Anyways, I've got music to make, and a sketchbook spread to do, and some books to edit, and some self-pub admin tasks to finish with, and it's all so overwhelming, but probably only because I put it all off until the last minute.

Supermassive Black Hole of Video Games and Editing

 Editing never ends. Neither does my thirst for new games to play, either, so that's nice that they have each other. Twinsies.

For me personally I have hype aversion about weird things sometimes, so I never paid attention to all the Witcher 3 obsessive hype. I knew I didn't wanna go play 1 and 2 but I was curious. So I bought the complete edition the other day.

I think I bit the bullet because I trust CDProjektRed now after playing so much Cyberpunk 2077.

Also because Geralt is daddy.

Anyway being Daddy of Rivia doesn't pay as much as I thought. It probably still pays better than writing, though. Should I become a monster slayer?

If other people can get paid to be ghost hunters for bad reality tv, why not me? I can jump at fake noises too! I'm not too dignified.

No Reason I Shouldn't

 Shockingly, not many people read this blog. I know, I know, a blogger blog for an indie author that hasn't regularly published since 2020/2021 isn't a huge hit. Shocker, right?

So I think sometimes I shouldn't even bother publishing here, but then I think, there's no reason I shouldn't, either.

Frankly I do it for myself as much as anyone else; it keeps my head clear and me focused on my goals, rather than ambiguously shuffling around trying to remember what I was doing. Like, right now, I'm working on things I can't announce, but I am working on things.

Like, launching new pen names, new books, republishing old books with cool new editions. Writing sequels. But it's hard, hard work. And I'm also psyching myself out.

I used to blog so much, and had so much fun.

I think that's worth trying again.

I noticed last year I only posted four times. Probably because it flew by, but also because it felt like I had so much happening. Now I kind of wish I had slowed down and made more of that time and documented it more. Ah well, I can at least start now.

So, this month I released an album.

It's called The Chaos Precise and it's only up on Bandlab right now. You can check it out here.

Here's the cover:

 

 

 

The tracklist is eleven songs. There was another song called Twisted Delicate that came just before and led into the track 'somewhere in the middle' but it kept getting copyrighted and made private. I submitted an appeal and they restored it only to flag it and remove it again. I'm at my wits end. I'll still publish that track elsewhere because I did remove all the copyrighted samples from it only for them to still mess around.

Anyway it's got a little pop, a little rock/grunge and a little weird digital stuff. I never know how to make something one genre, or make the genres sound interesting, but it is what it is. I love this record.

For now, that is. I'll probably decide I hate it in a few weeks and then make a new one.

I have a weird love/hate relationship with all my music, but it's the best I can make it and at a certain point you just have to release shit.

I'm gonna get back to my writing projects, but at least I feel like I've contributed something to this blog for this year.

It Begins Again and Again and Again

 I am still writing things. I'm always writing things. Right now I'm actually editing things, which is mostly the same but also incredibly specifically different.

The main thing I wanted to update anybody/everybody on was that when I start publishing these things I'm sometimes writing and sometimes editing, when I'm not snacking and making music and existing in a state of panic over...everything...it's going to be under new pen names.

I recently published and then unpublished a new edition of Faces in Weeds.

That's because I actually had to redesign the cover, add a subtitle to the story, and write two new pieces of bonus fiction so it could be 'transformative' enough that when I publish it under Amazon under my new pen name, it won't get de-listed or get my account banned for rank manipulation. It has to be demonstrably different from previous versions enough to count as a different product, so that's what I'm doing.

Ultimately this is also what I have to do with all my previous works: new covers, titles/subtitles, editing/expanded content, and new bonus content and exclusive extra chapters, that sort of thing. It's the only way to ensure I can actually publish them.

This basically has to happen because Amazon won't let me reclaim my old KDP account, which I can no longer access, or merge it with my new KDP account.

Since most book business is done on Amazon and I need money to live that's where I have to publish, and to do that, I have to make sure not to violate their rules, and using the same pen name on two different accounts is also a bannable offense according to their terms. It would help if their customer service was at all helpful or even sufficiently trained to understand how KDP and its features/systems/rules even work, but they aren't, which seems insanely unprofessional, but it is what it is. They can't help, apparently. Beyond them.

So we come to me having to launch new pen names to republish all Apollo Blake and Cosmo Knox titles.

I was kind of ready to retire the Apollo Blake pen name anyway, so that's fine, but Cosmo Knox was a fantastic pen name I never wanted to let go of, and now I do, and that sucks. Anyway things are in the works, projects are coming along, just slowly as I try to balance and actually enjoy life and not burn out.

The new Tomb Raider games look incredible, the Stranger Things finale was okay, and the new Cassandra Clare collection Better in Black is a lot of fun so far, making me nostalgic as hell.

I also recently read Sunrise on The Reaping and was emotionally devastated. Now I'm rereading Catching Fire. I was actually already reading it, but put it down when they rewatched Haymitch's games so I could go read his book. Pretty cool way to do it, I think.

I also put out a new album called The Chaos Precise, I'm gonna post more about it soon but I haven't done YouTube and SoundCloud uploads yet so.

Yes, Google Play Books, I Am Who I Say I Am

In case you all had missed it, a few days ago I published a new edition of Faces in Weeds on Kobo and Barnes and Noble, Apple Books, and a few others like Smashwords. I hope you'll check it out, it's got a pretty new cover and a fresh round of copy edits with maybe a hundred or so new words added. Just thought I'd tidy it up and get back to publishing for the first time in a long time, and of course, the world couldn't let that happen without a snag, so of course my new Google Play Books Publishing Partner account got suspended almost as soon as I published it, because they don't believe I own the copyright or that I am, indeed, who I say I am.

So let's clear this up: I'm Kyle Brittain, but I go by Kai Bishop publicly. I write and publish under the author names Apollo Blake and Cosmo Knox. I own everything I write and publish, I don't publish things I didn't write and don't own, and I certainly have never made any secret that these are my pen names.

My identity has never been a secret, because I'm not, despite many rumors circulating, a superhero. I don't work for the Daily Planet--but if I did I'd publish under Apollo Blake or Cosmo Knox, because those are my pen names.

Google's helpful email said they needed to see proof I am who I say I am which could include links to my official author website, so let's hope this post I made special just for them is helpful enough.

Here's the new cover for Faces in Weeds by the way:

As always keep an eye out on this space because it's where I'll post news and updates about new releases, even if I'm sometimes a few days late. (And being accused of being an imposter. How glamorous and scandalous for me.)

A Reminder For You (Writing Pep Talk)

So I've been hard at work on a few titles I'm going to launch on Kobo, including Leo & Declan 1 and 2 (Under His Touch, Under His Watch) and the drafting process was being difficult last night, so I opened my notes app and wrote this. I think it's gonna be something I need to return to again and again, so I'll share it here for you all too:

I am worried about so many things I cannot control but what I can control is writing my book and editing my short stories so that's what I'm going to focus on.

It's not up to me to be perfect or control the universe or every reaction to my books.

All I can do is write them, then publish them, then market them, to the degree that I want to. That's all. The rest of it is out of my hands. And I can't force it. But I can work with it, move with it, evolve with it, and take it all as it comes.

That's what I can do. So that's what I'll do.

I'll write my gay erotica romance stories and urban fantasies and sci-fi stuff even when it feels silly or stupid or it isn't as groundbreaking or intelligent or literary as everyone else's book. I'll do what I want, have fun, and hope someone wants to read what I wrote, but I can only write what I want to write, and if nobody else is along for the ride, I guess that's that.

The point of this is just to say all of that outside stuff is noise. And noise can be tuned out. All I can control is that I can write my book, even if it means learning again, for the millionth time, how to adapt and pivot. I can do that much, and probably so can you.

Isn't It Weird How I Only Blog At Night???

Last night I managed to finish editing (line editing but not copy editing, but the difference is splitting hairs to me anyway) Under His Touch. The new edition clocks in at just around 14k. I am always surprised how worth it the effort is to revise and fix up old stories. I'm always surprised by things past me missed, or what new skills I've developed. Of course I had to polish this one up anyway because I want to write the sequel now, but that doesn't mean it didn't need it.

And now I'm taking the night to outline stuff for the sequel, mostly making up my character sheet and locations sheet. I might make a timeline, but that's so time-consuming. But so worth it. But since these are simple stories that have no flashbacks and don't require too much focusing on dates, I'm not going to go too hard into that.

I DID make a huge decision regarding the sequel though, or two, to be specific, which is that:

1) There's not going to be a time-jump of three years. I don't know why I thought I'd do that. I want to see their relationship develop. Skipping two or three years is skipping the most interesting stuff, watching them adjust going from friends to a couple especially as Declan navigates his sexuality and coming out. Instead I'm going to give it a time-jump of like five or six hours. So it opens with them waking up the morning after and picks up right where we left off.

2) I think they're going to stay in Rockton, so I'm staying away from the vacation idea. I might have them go on a vacation for a future story as a special episode or something, but for the sequel I think they should stay in Rockton, especially since I want to develop the town and setting a little.

So I've got to completely scrap that first chapter I put up on Wattpad, but I'll post it on this blog or something as an extra scrap, like an easter egg or bonus content or whatever.

I have also slowly yet steadily making plans to release my next few musical projects. I want to put out my next album soon but I have one demo for it and nothing else but like half a page of notes. I do have track titles and a concept for the sound, imagery, etc...

BUT. In the meantime I'll probably release more digital/instrumental music like my last song Rejuvenate. I was going for a Final Fantasy/video game score with that, so I might continue in that vein or create some ambient music of some kind.

I've been reading CHARM by Tracy Wolff and so far I'm mixed on this entire series. I loved the first three books, but book four dragged a lot for me, and this book is a mix of hilarious fluff, filler content, and random new developments like a shadow world/alternate dimension and it's turned into portal fantasy. On the one hand I appreciate the balls to go from dark academia paranormal boarding school, to straight up save-the-world urban fantasy, to full Isekai, all without giving a damn what anybody else thinks, but it's kind of a set-up book for the next one and I'm just eager to get to THAT.

Because I'm mainly here at this point for Jaxon and Flint and whatever scraps of them I can get. And I WANT that spin-off book. I want my gay dragon vampire story. I do. And I deserve that.

In the meantime I know there's a lawsuit going on with Tracy Wolff and her editor, and I'd be pissed if I were her. It sounds like Tracy Wolff wanted to write a series that was nostalgic for Twilight and The Vampire Diaries, and her editor fed her a concept and ideas another author had created and written. It's sad because clearly Wolff actually created her characters, world, and wrote her own story, but knowing large parts of it she thought were her collaborator's ideas turning out to be plagiarized has to sting. I don't think she's the guilty party here and I don't think it should stop her from writing more books - I honestly expect to see them settle out of court or something with a caveat that the OG author is credited as a partial creator in future printings, but we'll see what a judge thinks.

I do have a soft-spot for this series because it reminds me of the vibe I was going for with the Lilac Xia-Jones stories when I started them. Another series I have to continue and have lots of plans for. But need to make new covers for...

So I have lots of work to do. But that's not new.

I have a really good cheeseburger waiting for me, but I'm not going to eat it until I've written at least 3k words. So that's how you know I'll get my writing for the day done today, instead of flaking out. :)

Anything That It Takes To Keep My Head Screwed On Straight

Title from Silence by Emmy Meli.

It's been slow-going trying to come out of my fog and embrace the new year. That doesn't mean it hasn't had its upsides, because it definitely has. The weather is getting fresher and warmer daily, the sun is showing his face more and more every day, and there's always something to do, which might be overwhelming, but still, at least there's always something to do, right?

For me, it means working on the new edition of Under His Touch. It's been a lot more of a project than I thought it would be, mostly because I was never planning to create a sequel but also because I've been in the mood to write, to draft, and now I have to hold myself down and engage the editing brain. I know I can do it.

I enjoy it. I know that too. I always have fun with editing, when it's developmental edits. But this, alas, is line edits. So it's a slow, tedious brand of work that is almost like writing, but much more agitating. And I'm not good at being agitated.

So I'm doing my best. But I'm also trying to read more: it's actually insane that this is the same brain that read an entire book a day in high school. I try now, but it takes me two to four days to get through books I'd read in one before.

Is it my brain aging? Is it from smoking too much weed? Is it just my natural pace slowing down? Or is it that I'm out of practice? I think it's a little bit of all these things, to be honest, but I'm doing my best. My reading goal for the year is only 80 books, which is 20 less than usual, but even with giving myself that break I've got six books behind somehow. I'm determined to catch up!

But first, I want to write. Like a lot. I don't know how I always put it off until it drives me insane, but then when I do it it's such a relief it makes up for it.

So, first, editing. Then do what I actually want to do.

Do You Ever Know If It Ends? Ever?

If you had been living under a rock and not checking the news at all today, Liam Payne is dead. It's unexpected, and odd, and off, and tragic, and I don't know why it feels so hollow. I guess I do know: it's because I'm in shock.

But I'm also pretty angry about it. Because people say things have to change, but we don't do anything; we let Hollywood and social politics and war machines kill people again and again. Liam Payne was troubled, and he was hurt by the industry, by being treated like a commodity as a mere child. And yeah, he wasn't perfect and he hurt people in turn, perpetuating that very cycle, but he was human and deserved better, just like those he hurt deserved better, and he was also a father, a son, a friend...

Hurt people hurt people. It's a tale as old as time. And the troubled rockstar celebrity guy who burns himself out and dies tragically young is a tale as old as time, too. But maybe it really shouldn't be - we have to sop letting the entertainment industry push these kids to their breaking points and turning them into troubled adults that only spread that pain further down the road.

I really, truly was rooting for him to get his shit together. He has a son. He was only thirty-one. It's just a reminder how how fragile life is and how dangerous it is to leave people alone when they're on a bad high, or having a panic attack or outburst. Locking someone alone in a hotel room is not a solution. I don't know if anybody could have saved him from his own demons, but somebody certainly should have been there.

RIP Liam.

A Perfect Treat for Cyberpunk Fans and Those With an Eye on Tomorrow

Art is evolving. Things that used to feel futuristic and cyberpunk and speculative are now contemporary and modern commentary and examinations of things we're living through. Humanity is manifesting various visions of the future all at once, and generative AI including chatbots are allowing us to essentially peek into the collective unconsciousness of our species; a digital scrying tool. Here the author combines a multimedia approach using samplings from the infamous Google chatbot interview to re-purpose into poetry, taking photos of an old Dell computer pried apart, its circuits and motherboards essentially a post-mortem of a machine, a collection of autopsy photos, bits and pieces of circuitry almost recalling photos of veins and organs as you read the pieces and see the lines being drawn, the comparisons between forms of consciousness and what emotion truly means, what our definition of life is, what our definition of intelligence and cognition is. Futures that in the years to come will only become more cloudy as all the high-strangeness intensifies.

This is the perfect modern art for the crazy modern world. JP Seabright is an artist to watch for sure! Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a review copy.

A Duke Won't Do by Jessie Clever (Book Review)

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," he growled right before his mouth came down on hers.

The perfect cozy, wholesome romance read for all the Bridgerton vibes. I was actually charmed by Logan and Gwen. How sensible and not annoying they are, like most romance protagonists. How quickly I became invested in their entire relationship.

"Welcome to Scarcroft Manor."

Gwen and Logan are both damaged goods: she's got smallpox scars and self-esteem issues, he's terrified of letting anybody back in after his first wife was extremely emotionally abusive...

She had spent a lifetime not being touched and now he had touched everything.

But he needs help raising his child and running his household, and Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation, because she's always wanted to be a mother, and can't help falling for his daughter Felicity instantly.

As Gwen takes control of the estate and takes stock of what needs doing, she's forced to push at all of his boundaries. He's a sexy, stern, emotionally withdrawn sheep farmer who just won't let her in no matter how hard he tries. But Gwen certainly gets to him....

Something happened to his heart then, something irreversible. He prided himself on his logic and efficiency, but right then, standing in what used to be the rose garden, he was quite certain his heart had stopped beating.

Honestly this book was short, sweet, and perfect. I loved Gwen and Logan, I loved their romance, their lives, the setting, the writing. It was light, easy, and fun. None of the typical romance novel frustrations, both of them were so believable yet reasonable, damaged yet mature. They weren't using the ways they'd been hurt before as excuses.

It got a few good laughs out of me, too:

"Oh I see what you mean, shortcake," Grandmother Bitsy cooed. "He does look like a man who ikes a good ram."

"Mother," Nancy scolded.

"Oh hush, Nancy," Grandmother Bitsy returned. "You should be proud of your daughter."

Absolutely recommend for anybody who likes historical romance and/or romance in general.

New Review Banner

 I updated my review banner for Goodreads so I'm sharing it here to host it:

Lose Your Head

*Title from Lose Your Head by London Grammar

I haven't been blogging in forever. Nobody really reads this blog, but that should make it more fun for me, not less: frankly I'm here for me, doing this for me. It keeps me on-focus and keeps me feeling like I have some momentum behind me. It helps me orient myself and remember what my goals are. Honestly, I know it's all about vlogging on Youtube/Twitch these days, but I'm never going to stop writing/blogging.

It may be retro, but whatever, retro used to be cool. I used to love reading Amanda Hocking's blog back in the day. Writers write, so it makes more sense for us to blog than vlog. I do love a lot of authortube, though, don't get me wrong. Liselle Sambury and Katie Wisemer and Kate Cavanaugh, Alexa Donne, stuff like that. They're great.

I just also love blogging. Even though I don't read any other blogs any more. But somebody needs to become a blogger icon and bring it back. I miss the vibes, I'm waiting for my blogger messiah. In the meantime I'm gonna keep writing.

I've been trying and failing to focus on this project...

I wrote my book Things We Sat At Midnight wayyyy back in 2014 or 2015. I don't remember which. I'm 99% sure it was 2015, but I've been sure and still been wrong before. What I DO remember is I wrote it in one day and I was stoned as fuck. I edited it and put it out that same day, too. Back then I was so obsessed with speed and proving I could churn things out quickly and have a pipeline of content like a traditional publishing house did. I was eighteen and I felt like I had so much to prove.

Now, looking back at it at 27, I think any self-publisher trying to keep up with, let alone compete with traditional publishers is wasting their time and their potential. It doesn't need to be proven anyway: most trad-pub authors put out one book a year while many self-pubbed authors are out here putting out like four books a year.

I just want to keep writing. That's my idea of success: words on a page.

I used to be able to leap into another world, now I have trouble getting outside of my own head and engaging with stories. I'm fighting to reconnect with that side of my creativity, my love of reading and writing that was all-encompassing and felt so natural. I miss it a lot.

It's harder to escape the world now. I was so idealistic when I started writing, and now I feel guilty for engaging in fantasy while other people are being bombed, or killed, or violated. I miss my old self, I miss my old friends, I miss the world of 2011, 2012, 2013, when I felt nature was alive, the future was bright and hopeful, and I was young and full of promise, on the brink of my dreams.

Now every moment of joy or escapism feels fought-for and hard-won. And feels laced with guilt, shame.

I am slowly editing and rewriting Things We Saw At Midnight, feeling nostalgic for older, simpler times and vibes. I'm particularly working hard on the story Just Another Ordinary Monday, which is being re-named Worldspeak and heavily rewritten/expanded. It's been a hell of a job so far.

The story needs a lot more editing and improvement than I thought it would, but it's okay. I'm having fun despite the challenge. But I'm coming out of some writer's block and thinking things through. Rereading. Editing. Taking stock. I forgot how much I love/need/want/require outlines. And I do. Require outlines.

Discovery writing is fun, but so unreliable.

From Just Another Ordinary Monday Morning >to> Worldspeak, this story is going from short story to novella, which means a lot is getting expanded, several characters are getting more to do, and the stuff that was there needs significant re-writing too, so lots is changing, and it's been intimidating, but I think I'm slowly getting a grasp on it. So here's to finishing this story as soon as possible so I can share it with somebody, anybody!

Loki Season 2 Premiere Best Moments (Spoilers Obviously)

Loki season 2 is finally here! Well, the first episode. And it was spectacular. Best Moments:

• "I need a Loki Who Remains" from Mobius - this line will launch a thousand fanfics, mark my words
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• Did you kick each other through time doors simultaneously?
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• Mobius writing 'Skin?' was hilarious
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• and it coming back with plot relevance in the following scene was a great idea!
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• The wholesome dumbass working at McDonald's in the end. No thoughts head empty, would you like to try our new McNuggets?!
•  
• The split-timeline convo between OB/Mobius/Loki and the way it played out.
•  
• Hunter calling out the TVA for their atrocities and how they weren't as justified as they all thought. She's fully ready for the masquerade to come down. Gotta be hard to admit you did a bunch of fascist genocidal stuff for no reason, I understand why some of them are in full denial tbh.
•  
• OB literally writing the book on that.
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• Tom Hiddleston's being gloriously sexy in every frame he's in...

All in all there's so much potential for this season! I can't wait to see how it unfolds. I wish we got a tiny bit more Sylvie in this season premiere but you know what? I love a Loki/Mobius bromance episode. The show works best when they're playing a pair of buddy cops/agents.

Also Control by Remedy Studios is my favorite video game ever and the TVA always gives me FBC vibes. I love the retro-futurism of it all too. You guys watching Loki season 2, or are you lame?

Bella Dog

 The other day I posted some pics of our new puppies Henry & Luna, but back in October we lost our old dog Bella. She had an impacted/infected womb and it was going to rupture, she was so old and weak we were all afraid surgery would kill her anyway, and made the choice to put her down because her womb rupturing was inevitable and would be a very painful death. Instead she went to sleep very peacefully with us holding her, petting her, telling her how much we loved her.

We made sure Bella had a very good final day where we spoiled her with lots of love and treats. The truth is though that was every day, she was my best friend and we did everything together. I miss her every day, but I was looking through some of the pictures I took on her final day and seeing that even on that day she was happy and there was love and contentment in her eyes is everything to me.

I figured I would share a few photos I took that day of us together and her final walk. I look like a mess because I was having a full-on nervous breakdown on one of the worst days of my life, but that's to be expected. I have a lot more but these ones are the ones I wanted to share today:

I'll never stop loving or missing Bella, but I know our other dogs and relatives on the other side are watching out for each other and waiting for us to come home, and in the meantime I hold on to every happy and painful memory, and the ones like in these photos, that have a touch of both.

New Puppies! Meet Henry & Luna

 My parents and cousin decided it was a perfectly sane idea to surprise me with puppies the other day, so now we have two new little angels in our family! Meet Luna and her brother Henry!

Henry is playful and a little dumb, Luna is feisty and hyper. So far as names go I've been calling him Honeydog and her Lily-Luna. They're adorable and I would die for them. That said I cannot wait until they're a little bigger because they keep pissing on my floor.

I also might not survive this NaNoWriMo. I've written like almost 40k this month but none of it was on my NaNo novel. Well, 1k was, but that's a pittance. Right now this superhero romance is serving me better anyway.

How To Write Your Book in 8 Easy Steps

 How To Write Your Book in 8 Easy Steps (My Personal Method):

1) Download fifteen different new fonts. Try out every one of them. Don't forget to fool around with the color, too!

2) Design five different book covers. None of them looks like the one you're imagining in your head.

3) Drink five cups of coffee and watch Werewolf By Night on Disney+. You wish you had a werewolf boyfriend. You can't prove werewolves exist. Back to the drawing board.

4) Break the first two chapters in half and give them all new titles and ending hooks. Add a few extra lines of dialogue. Change the font color again.

5) Write a blurb for the story even though it's not fully finished.

6) Edit the last chapter you wrote and try to figure out who knows what and why they aren't saying it.

7) Actually manage to write 500 words. Wait, why is your coffee mug empty? The dog is crying, too, does the dog need to pee? Why do I agree to babysit people's dogs again?

8) Repeat all of the above in a manic state over the course of several days until the project is finished. Spend three hours in the bath brainstorming and when you get out you're so wrinkled your family doesn't recognize you and thinks there's a very old burglar in the house. Congrats, you're a writer!

Oh My Rapture by Gemma White Review: The Voice Poetry Needs

But I felt safe there painting orange teapots

outlining women in Texta with the mysterious green eyes

Some days I could even feel that my soul was still alive

Such a crappy small town 

FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD. Seriously though, I've read a lot of poetry today and a lot of it was really bad. This broke the mold and gave me a shot of something fresh; a unique, strong voice, a genuine personality and identity, a distinct artistic sensibility. This is an actual person and an actual artist with opinions and a personality who is not trying to be like everybody else or to be an airbrushed version of themselves, and that is so fucking refreshing these days.

The poems in this collection, and Gemma White's voice in general, were so enjoyable and refreshing for the same reason Ethel Cain's music and lyrics are: she provides a reality, a look at something true, not a glamourized ideal.

There is a genuineness and an honesty and a refusal to polish the truth or airbrush out every microscopic flaw here that feels just so bold and down to earth, so grounded, but also so manic and so insecure and uncertain. Yet also strong, risky, beautiful.

To be clear I don't have bipolar but I definitely have some kind of mood disorder and mental instability has and always will be a part of my life. I'm lucky because my manic episodes are not dangerous or half as embarrassing as other people experience: I've heard from people whose manic episodes lead them to truly endanger themselves, people who love their manic episodes and people who hate them. I usually enjoy mine, they tend to last anywhere from 2 to 3 days and I feel energized, slightly strung-out, but in a sharp, crystalline way. I feel like I'm in sync with myself and the universe and I burn up with creative energy and do a ton of random artsy stuff and make a mess, but when I come out of it the worst that's happened is I'm sleep-deprived, a little emotional, and the house is messy.

But for others obviously manic episodes, mood and personality disorders, etc, are more serious or more powerful. It takes a lot of character to develop this level of self-awareness of your mode of functioning and experiencing the universe, where you can feel both the shame and the joy, appreciate what sets you apart and your unique perspective, grasp that you have experiences others don't and you're allowed to revel in moments of joy and adrenaline, but also acknowledge that it's a weakness in many ways and can bring shame, danger, etc.

The musings on bipolar experiences here were incredible. But also White's refusal to mope or throw herself a pity party. And her jab at poets who do constantly throw themselves pity parties. Her willingness to poke fun at herself, celebrate herself, acknowledge shame and regret in the past while also knowing her worth and having a true sense of love and purpose for art and a knowledge that it's her purpose. These poems really, really resonated with me.

There is something

Sacred and healing

That happens when I write

When I paint

When I create songs

Maybe I am closer to God

Maybe the bad things can't find me here

Hi hello my head is bald. Gemma White has me by the scalp!

Is everything equally sacred and profane?

Her musings on topics most poets find taboo like sex, masturbation, bodily functions, etc, are so matter-of-fact but not vulgar or showing off, she's not being a douche about it, like "Look how cool I am! I talk about things other poets won't!" ironically, when she talks about stuff like masturbation, it's not masturbatory, she's not patting herself on the back here for breaking the mold, you can tell she just really doesn't care to censor herself and doesn't give a fuck. These are her poems, this is what it is, take it or leave it.

Oh my mystery, oh my darkness

oh my rapture, oh my music

I was absolutely enchanted by this collection. I cannot believe this writer isn't going absolutely breakout viral. I was actually blown away both by her obviously good taste but also by her skill and execution.

I would absolutely recommend giving this a chance for anybody who likes poetry or is curious about it. This is a modern voice, this is a poet with a fucking brain, some opinions, and some god damn taste. This is what we need right now.

Huge thanks to NetGalley for the chance to read this lovely art.

I don't want to be a good poet

I want to be a naughty one!