Do You Ever Know If It Ends? Ever?

If you had been living under a rock and not checking the news at all today, Liam Payne is dead. It's unexpected, and odd, and off, and tragic, and I don't know why it feels so hollow. I guess I do know: it's because I'm in shock.

But I'm also pretty angry about it. Because people say things have to change, but we don't do anything; we let Hollywood and social politics and war machines kill people again and again. Liam Payne was troubled, and he was hurt by the industry, by being treated like a commodity as a mere child. And yeah, he wasn't perfect and he hurt people in turn, perpetuating that very cycle, but he was human and deserved better, just like those he hurt deserved better, and he was also a father, a son, a friend...

Hurt people hurt people. It's a tale as old as time. And the troubled rockstar celebrity guy who burns himself out and dies tragically young is a tale as old as time, too. But maybe it really shouldn't be - we have to sop letting the entertainment industry push these kids to their breaking points and turning them into troubled adults that only spread that pain further down the road.

I really, truly was rooting for him to get his shit together. He has a son. He was only thirty-one. It's just a reminder how how fragile life is and how dangerous it is to leave people alone when they're on a bad high, or having a panic attack or outburst. Locking someone alone in a hotel room is not a solution. I don't know if anybody could have saved him from his own demons, but somebody certainly should have been there.

RIP Liam.

A Perfect Treat for Cyberpunk Fans and Those With an Eye on Tomorrow

Art is evolving. Things that used to feel futuristic and cyberpunk and speculative are now contemporary and modern commentary and examinations of things we're living through. Humanity is manifesting various visions of the future all at once, and generative AI including chatbots are allowing us to essentially peek into the collective unconsciousness of our species; a digital scrying tool. Here the author combines a multimedia approach using samplings from the infamous Google chatbot interview to re-purpose into poetry, taking photos of an old Dell computer pried apart, its circuits and motherboards essentially a post-mortem of a machine, a collection of autopsy photos, bits and pieces of circuitry almost recalling photos of veins and organs as you read the pieces and see the lines being drawn, the comparisons between forms of consciousness and what emotion truly means, what our definition of life is, what our definition of intelligence and cognition is. Futures that in the years to come will only become more cloudy as all the high-strangeness intensifies.

This is the perfect modern art for the crazy modern world. JP Seabright is an artist to watch for sure! Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a review copy.

A Duke Won't Do by Jessie Clever (Book Review)

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," he growled right before his mouth came down on hers.

The perfect cozy, wholesome romance read for all the Bridgerton vibes. I was actually charmed by Logan and Gwen. How sensible and not annoying they are, like most romance protagonists. How quickly I became invested in their entire relationship.

"Welcome to Scarcroft Manor."

Gwen and Logan are both damaged goods: she's got smallpox scars and self-esteem issues, he's terrified of letting anybody back in after his first wife was extremely emotionally abusive...

She had spent a lifetime not being touched and now he had touched everything.

But he needs help raising his child and running his household, and Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation, because she's always wanted to be a mother, and can't help falling for his daughter Felicity instantly.

As Gwen takes control of the estate and takes stock of what needs doing, she's forced to push at all of his boundaries. He's a sexy, stern, emotionally withdrawn sheep farmer who just won't let her in no matter how hard he tries. But Gwen certainly gets to him....

Something happened to his heart then, something irreversible. He prided himself on his logic and efficiency, but right then, standing in what used to be the rose garden, he was quite certain his heart had stopped beating.

Honestly this book was short, sweet, and perfect. I loved Gwen and Logan, I loved their romance, their lives, the setting, the writing. It was light, easy, and fun. None of the typical romance novel frustrations, both of them were so believable yet reasonable, damaged yet mature. They weren't using the ways they'd been hurt before as excuses.

It got a few good laughs out of me, too:

"Oh I see what you mean, shortcake," Grandmother Bitsy cooed. "He does look like a man who ikes a good ram."

"Mother," Nancy scolded.

"Oh hush, Nancy," Grandmother Bitsy returned. "You should be proud of your daughter."

Absolutely recommend for anybody who likes historical romance and/or romance in general.

New Review Banner

 I updated my review banner for Goodreads so I'm sharing it here to host it:

Lose Your Head

*Title from Lose Your Head by London Grammar

I haven't been blogging in forever. Nobody really reads this blog, but that should make it more fun for me, not less: frankly I'm here for me, doing this for me. It keeps me on-focus and keeps me feeling like I have some momentum behind me. It helps me orient myself and remember what my goals are. Honestly, I know it's all about vlogging on Youtube/Twitch these days, but I'm never going to stop writing/blogging.

It may be retro, but whatever, retro used to be cool. I used to love reading Amanda Hocking's blog back in the day. Writers write, so it makes more sense for us to blog than vlog. I do love a lot of authortube, though, don't get me wrong. Liselle Sambury and Katie Wisemer and Kate Cavanaugh, Alexa Donne, stuff like that. They're great.

I just also love blogging. Even though I don't read any other blogs any more. But somebody needs to become a blogger icon and bring it back. I miss the vibes, I'm waiting for my blogger messiah. In the meantime I'm gonna keep writing.

I've been trying and failing to focus on this project...

I wrote my book Things We Sat At Midnight wayyyy back in 2014 or 2015. I don't remember which. I'm 99% sure it was 2015, but I've been sure and still been wrong before. What I DO remember is I wrote it in one day and I was stoned as fuck. I edited it and put it out that same day, too. Back then I was so obsessed with speed and proving I could churn things out quickly and have a pipeline of content like a traditional publishing house did. I was eighteen and I felt like I had so much to prove.

Now, looking back at it at 27, I think any self-publisher trying to keep up with, let alone compete with traditional publishers is wasting their time and their potential. It doesn't need to be proven anyway: most trad-pub authors put out one book a year while many self-pubbed authors are out here putting out like four books a year.

I just want to keep writing. That's my idea of success: words on a page.

I used to be able to leap into another world, now I have trouble getting outside of my own head and engaging with stories. I'm fighting to reconnect with that side of my creativity, my love of reading and writing that was all-encompassing and felt so natural. I miss it a lot.

It's harder to escape the world now. I was so idealistic when I started writing, and now I feel guilty for engaging in fantasy while other people are being bombed, or killed, or violated. I miss my old self, I miss my old friends, I miss the world of 2011, 2012, 2013, when I felt nature was alive, the future was bright and hopeful, and I was young and full of promise, on the brink of my dreams.

Now every moment of joy or escapism feels fought-for and hard-won. And feels laced with guilt, shame.

I am slowly editing and rewriting Things We Saw At Midnight, feeling nostalgic for older, simpler times and vibes. I'm particularly working hard on the story Just Another Ordinary Monday, which is being re-named Worldspeak and heavily rewritten/expanded. It's been a hell of a job so far.

The story needs a lot more editing and improvement than I thought it would, but it's okay. I'm having fun despite the challenge. But I'm coming out of some writer's block and thinking things through. Rereading. Editing. Taking stock. I forgot how much I love/need/want/require outlines. And I do. Require outlines.

Discovery writing is fun, but so unreliable.

From Just Another Ordinary Monday Morning >to> Worldspeak, this story is going from short story to novella, which means a lot is getting expanded, several characters are getting more to do, and the stuff that was there needs significant re-writing too, so lots is changing, and it's been intimidating, but I think I'm slowly getting a grasp on it. So here's to finishing this story as soon as possible so I can share it with somebody, anybody!

Loki Season 2 Premiere Best Moments (Spoilers Obviously)

Loki season 2 is finally here! Well, the first episode. And it was spectacular. Best Moments:

• "I need a Loki Who Remains" from Mobius - this line will launch a thousand fanfics, mark my words
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• Did you kick each other through time doors simultaneously?
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• Mobius writing 'Skin?' was hilarious
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• and it coming back with plot relevance in the following scene was a great idea!
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• The wholesome dumbass working at McDonald's in the end. No thoughts head empty, would you like to try our new McNuggets?!
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• The split-timeline convo between OB/Mobius/Loki and the way it played out.
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• Hunter calling out the TVA for their atrocities and how they weren't as justified as they all thought. She's fully ready for the masquerade to come down. Gotta be hard to admit you did a bunch of fascist genocidal stuff for no reason, I understand why some of them are in full denial tbh.
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• OB literally writing the book on that.
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• Tom Hiddleston's being gloriously sexy in every frame he's in...

All in all there's so much potential for this season! I can't wait to see how it unfolds. I wish we got a tiny bit more Sylvie in this season premiere but you know what? I love a Loki/Mobius bromance episode. The show works best when they're playing a pair of buddy cops/agents.

Also Control by Remedy Studios is my favorite video game ever and the TVA always gives me FBC vibes. I love the retro-futurism of it all too. You guys watching Loki season 2, or are you lame?

Bella Dog

 The other day I posted some pics of our new puppies Henry & Luna, but back in October we lost our old dog Bella. She had an impacted/infected womb and it was going to rupture, she was so old and weak we were all afraid surgery would kill her anyway, and made the choice to put her down because her womb rupturing was inevitable and would be a very painful death. Instead she went to sleep very peacefully with us holding her, petting her, telling her how much we loved her.

We made sure Bella had a very good final day where we spoiled her with lots of love and treats. The truth is though that was every day, she was my best friend and we did everything together. I miss her every day, but I was looking through some of the pictures I took on her final day and seeing that even on that day she was happy and there was love and contentment in her eyes is everything to me.

I figured I would share a few photos I took that day of us together and her final walk. I look like a mess because I was having a full-on nervous breakdown on one of the worst days of my life, but that's to be expected. I have a lot more but these ones are the ones I wanted to share today:

I'll never stop loving or missing Bella, but I know our other dogs and relatives on the other side are watching out for each other and waiting for us to come home, and in the meantime I hold on to every happy and painful memory, and the ones like in these photos, that have a touch of both.